... blind.

I was in that delicate moment called adolescence, at the peak of my fifteen years. I led a light and calm life in the small city in Paraná* where I was born, called Campo do Regresso**, which is about thirty kilometers from the capital, Curitiba.
A beautiful place, surrounded by the striking presence of pinheiros-do-paraná (Paraná pines), also known as araucarias. Beautiful chalets and woods could be seen everywhere.
In one of these woods there was a large crystal-clear lake, where my parents, my adoptive brother, Baskiah, and I used to spend our weekends.
It was January; we were still on school vacation.

We arrived early to get the best kiosk by the lakeside. My father, Doctor Jonathan, liked to fish with friends, and my mother always stayed by the lake sunbathing with her friends.
Baskiah and I liked to swim in the lake before lunch. Bas, as I called him, wasn't legally my adoptive brother. He lived with me because my father saved him when he was a baby. As Bas's mother wasn't in a position to take care of her son, my father offered to pay for his studies. That's how we became brothers.
We headed towards the lake and passed my mother's friends, who were sitting in their beach chairs, and one of them said: “Doctor, your son is very handsome; he’s going to cause trouble with the local girls, you better keep an eye on that boy.”

I blushed with embarrassment, but my mother just smiled in agreement. They kept talking about me, about how I would be a good match in the future, because besides being handsome and intelligent, I would be a doctor like my parents.
Then I called Bas and we raced to see who could dive in first.
The lake wasn't very deep and the water was pleasant in the summer. I dived in first, but when I took my first stroke underwater, I hit something, or rather, someone. I hadn't realized someone was swimming right in front. We ended up colliding.
I regained my balance and when I came up for air and to apologize, I came face to face with a boy with golden hair also emerging.
I was paralyzed looking at that figure of stunning beauty, dark blue eyes, and a beautiful face as if he were wearing a skin beauty filter.
He ran his hand through his wet hair that was falling over his face and said: “Idiot! Are you blind? Get out of the way!”

I was shocked by the boy's rudeness and couldn't apologize. He stared at me in a threatening way as he took a stroke away from me and got out of the water. I could see that his body was beautiful too.
Baskiah saw what happened and swam over to me.

·         Who is that?

·         I don't know, I've never seen him before.

·         He's the idiot! He didn't need to be rude like that.
I heard someone calling him. A tall man in a camouflage shirt.

·         Malcon! Bring more beer from the cooler.

·         Yes, Dad! – he replied.

The man was the boy's father, who now had a name: Malcon. At the time I thought that name suited him well because it began with the word "mal" (bad), as in bad-tempered, ill-mannered.
During the snack time, I observed Malcon from afar. At one point, I saw that he drank beer with his father, even though he wasn't old enough for it. They were a very different family from mine, I thought.
Malcon noticed I was looking at him. I felt a shiver run down my spine. I didn't want to look at him, but my eyes betrayed me and I kept catching myself looking at Malcon.
After that, he kept staring at me. I felt so awkward that I invited Bas to go to the islet in the center of the lake. We swam there. This islet was a paradise for us; it had beautiful trees that enveloped and shaded a dirt trail that snaked around the place to a small beach of fine, warm sand on the other side.

There were rarely other people there, so it was an almost private spot for the two of us. And from there, we couldn't see Malcon, the ill-tempered pitbull of the day, which made the place even more pleasant.

·         Do you think that jerk will come here often? – asked Bas, sunbathing on the sand of the small beach, head resting on his arms.

·         I hope not. – I replied – He drinks beer, can you believe it?

·         No way! That's absurd! He wouldn't stop staring at you, did you see?

·         I did.
Bas had also noticed the boy's intimidation. But all I could think about was that beautiful face emerging from the water in front of me.

It was at that moment that my head started to get confused. I didn't know why I was so fascinated by someone, just like that! I was irremediably drawn to Malcon. I tried to forget he existed, but it was in vain.
Suddenly, I realized what I was feeling. It was disconcerting and at the same time liberating to state something about myself that I had ignored until then.
But this feeling was torturing me, since Malcon was nothing more than a boorish stranger. I felt foolish for being drawn to him and tried to distract myself.
When we returned to the lake shore, Malcon had left.
The week went by normally. I didn't think about Malcon anymore; after all, I had to get an A in Math that week.

·         But on a beautiful morning, I woke up to the sound of saws and hammering. I looked out the window of my bedroom, which was on the second floor, and saw that the house next door was being renovated.
Someone was going to live in the property that had been empty for a few months. I grabbed my coffee and books and went to the garden to study while soaking up some sun.
In the condominium there were no walls separating the houses; there was only a hedge delimiting the area.
I sat at the garden table and when I opened the book, I heard a voice: “Malcon, bring the paints!” I nearly spat out my coffee, I swear! There couldn't be two Malcons in an egg-sized city. I looked discreetly over the hedge and saw that it was the same Malcon from the lake, but this time, wearing a sleeveless shirt and a cap, carrying a heavy can of paint on his shoulder to his authoritarian father.
I went back to the table feeling perplexed. How did this kid end up here? Right here! With so many houses to live in in the city, he's going to be my neighbor?
I told Baskiah the news, who was also shocked.

·         Ugh! That's all we needed! I hope I never cross paths with that pitbull! – said Bas, looking out my bedroom window, trying to see Malcon.

·         Me neither. – I agreed.

But seeing him in a tank top, sweating at the construction site, impacted me again. I was getting irritated with myself and feeling like an imbecile for being drawn to the bore.
But since this was inevitable, I decided to create a Malcon just for me. A kind of avatar that I could desire.
That way, I could use him as a fantasy; after all, it's not a crime to desire a person, is it?
Inside our heads there is a private territory of thoughts where there is freedom to fantasize about anything. And so I created another Malcon, my Malcon, who would be equally beautiful, intelligent, and of course, a gentleman. And everything would be fine as long as it stayed there, in that territory of the imagination. That's what I thought at the time, that I could totally control my feelings and desires. Of course, I was quite mistaken about that; after all, I didn't know myself that well.
The days passed, but on Sunday, I came across Malcon in my living room, sitting on the sofa next to his father and mother.
My parents were sitting opposite them, on the other sofa. Everyone looked at me and I froze. What were they doing here?

…

*Paraná is a State located in Southern Brazil.
** Campo do Regresso (Field of Return) is a fictional city.