Most of the year, it’s cold and wet where I live. I actually prefer it that way, but others around me always seemed miserable. The happiest I saw everyone was when the sky was blue and the breeze was warm. As a kid, I thought they were all stupid. I mean, who’d prefer sweltering heat over the cold, where you can just bundle up to stay warm and fall asleep to the pitter-patter of rain on the window? That always felt so right to me.

I’m 24 now, and I still prefer that weather. I’m always dressed for it, even when the forecast is sunny, but I always wake up hoping the sun will shine that day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m miserable enough so often that I’d hate for one more miserable thing to be added to the list, but…. Still. If I could wake up to a world full of happy faces, and all it’d mean is I feel a bit worse for one day, I’d take that.

And take it I did.

I have the ability to control the weather now. The first thing I did was make the clouds go away, just for one day. It wasn’t miserable for me like I thought it was. I saw people’s faces lighting up as the sunbeams shone down on them. I took comfort in that warmer breeze and the sun beating softly on my skin. This was the first time I was dressed for warmer weather. It all made me feel lighter, like the wind could lift me off my feet and carry me into the sky. When I thought this, strangely enough, that’s exactly what happened.

The smile never left my face that day. I’d float down, smile and wave at someone, they’d smile and wave back, and I’d be lifted off again. I must’ve waved, said hello, and greeted in some way everyone in town that day. That was the first time I met them all, and that was the first time they all met this face. This face with a smile that beams so bright it bounces right back to me.

That face isn’t the one I wear every day, though. It’s a magical transformation I undergo to become the me that controls the weather. When I’m not them, I’m me. The same old person who suffers from depression. The same person who struggles to get assignments out on time. The same person whose greatest joy is when it rains, but even then, only smiles on the inside. I don’t shine; no one gets happy when they see me.

So I make an effort, every single day, to go out and be “Sunbeam”. I take time to say hello to everyone in town. I don’t make the day completely sunny, but I brighten it up more, however I can. I help people get around when the streets flood. I carry kids on my shoulders when it’s nice out. I help clean up messes in all kinds of weather. Talk to people when they’re lonely or depressed. I help pay for people’s things when I see they’re short on change. And I do it all with a smile on my face.

But every day, at the end of the day, I have to be “Cloudia” again. Then there’s no Sunbeam, not even for me. I have to help myself and then go out and be the kind of person I wish I had in my life for others. Is that fair?

Does it matter?

I chose this. It was my wish. I was given a chance to get anything anyone could ever want, and I chose this. It might’ve been stupid, it sure as hell feels like it is, but it makes me happier than anything. This power I’ve been given is a true gift, and what would be stupid is if I regretted it for even a second.

Despite my efforts, somewhere in the city, malice and resentment gather. Murmerings that I’m doing too much with my power, or not enough, that I’m wasting it on things that don’t matter. Talks filled with vile hatred and violence. Forcing better ways of life on people, or making life better for themselves alone. One day, something changed, or maybe reached a breaking point, where feelings like those began to take shape. Sometimes, it appears as monsters or natural disasters. Sometimes, in the most ambitious and selfish people, it becomes a power of their own.

Even then, with those people, I want to believe in them. I want to believe they have good intentions, that their visions can also make people happy, and that they can be someone to share this weight with. But the second I pass it to them for help, they drop it on my foot. I don’t know why people are like this. I don’t know what makes them so angry, so spiteful. If I could stop it at the root myself, that’d be a nice thought, but I can’t. They can’t either, and many of them wished for it. All I have is the hope that I’m doing it right.

Still, I don’t like having to fight them, but I have to stop them from hurting people. And I have to do it with a smile. It’s not enough just to help. I have to let people know they’re safe. They have to know I’m strong enough to protect them. I can’t waver or show weakness or let out cries of pain when my bones are broken. I haven’t been doing this for long, but I’m getting tired.

It’s going to kill me.

It almost did one time when I was late for work. I was running, it’s good to exercise, and the entire block gets decimated by some guy who thinks we need more space for parking lots. And I get it, I have a car, I hate trying to find free parking when there’s nothing but meters for almost a mile in every direction of my destination. You just can’t blow up a small business like that!

So I told him exactly that… With stronger language. Mind you, I wasn’t transformed yet. So that was just stupid, because with a flick of his finger he sent a chain of explosions right at me. So any shred of goodwill I could’ve extended was just gone. This guy sucked.

If someone hadn’t pulled me out of the way and behind a car, I’d be dead right now. That wasn’t the last of it because that guy was still there and I couldn’t transform with other people near me. I needed somewhere to hide alone, but I kept being ushered along with people fleeing the area, all the while sounds of explosions and crumbling buildings shook the ground. Seconds were passing, and people whom I saw and smiled with every single day were dying behind me. The sounds only ever got closer.

I pushed people off of me to get into a nearby alleyway, waiting until I was far enough to take my umbrella out of my bag and open it up. With a flurry of wind and rain, leaving a trail of sleet behind me, my hair went from black to cloudy white that faded into a sky blue, and my eyes got brighter. My outfit changed into a clear raincoat over a colorful dress with black shorts and rainboots to match. My umbrella became hard like a snail’s shell, catching the wind and lifting me far above the buildings I was between.

Putting on my best smile, I closed my umbrella and dove down between the villain and his next target, and quickly opened my umbrella again. It easily takes the brunt of the explosion. My hair and coat were being tossed by the shockwave and gust of wind that followed, but my stature remained firm. I cleared the smoke with wind of my own and turned to check that everyone behind me was okay. There were a few people, and they were covered in some dirt, but they seemed fine.

“Sunbeam!” They shout excitedly.

“Hey, everyone!” I grin, “Others are receiving medical attention, just a few blocks that way, where it’s safe. Just go on over, I’ll make sure you can leave.” I turn back to the source of the explosion.

“Sunbeam! I was wondering when you’d get here,” he sneered.

“Sorry I was late to your latest meltdown, Robert. Got caught in traffic, apparently some jerk’s blocked the roads with rubble,” I shrugged, feigning helplessness.

“Tsk.”

“So what minor inconvenience are we fighting over today?”

“I-”

“Well it doesn’t matter,” I let my umbrella catch a strong gale and fling my left knee straight into his diaphragm, knocking the breath out of him. I turn so the back of my leg slips between his arm and torso, and do the same with my right leg. This way, I carry him up into the air with me, “Woah look we’re flying, haha!”

When he moved again, he almost flicked his finger at me, but I interjected, “You sure you wanna blow me up when I’m this close to your head and we’re this high up? I don’t think that’s the move here, Rob.”

“Fuck you, asshole!” He yelled.

“I’ve been nothing but nice to you and you know that. Now, do you wanna go back to prison where they’ll up security and be even meaner to you? Orrrr do you wanna finally talk things out?” I let my smile be extra audible when presenting the second option.

“Blech, prison.”

“Alright, I’ll be sure to visit you.”

I dropped him off with the police, who immediately restrained his hands. Then I had to help with cleanup, mainly clearing the streets. While doing that, I saw people digging through rubble to help their friends, loved ones, neighbors, and even straight up strangers. They tended to each other, helped each other walk, and helped reunite each other with their families. I’d seen it happen before, but this was the first time I really noticed. It felt good not being the only one helping for once.

I got fired from my job.

When I was walking home that day, I saw a woman, a couple of years younger than me, sitting alone on a bench at the park. I had seen her before, but I didn’t really remember her name. Oh well, she’d remember Sunbeam. So I changed and gently floated down beside her.

“Heeello,” I said cheerfully.

“Oh, hey Sunbeam,” She replied.

Good, she wasn’t too sad to talk. “I noticed you seemed pretty down. Something wrong?”

“Everything’s wrong. My workplace got flooded, after I was recovering from the broken leg I got from an incident at the last company I worked for, caused by a different psychopath, and just this morning, my apartment got blown up. So I’m jobless and homeless now.”

“Oh.”

Oh.

“Well…” My smile’s starting to fade. “Anything I can do to help with that?”

“No. That’s just how it is these days. It all sucks.”

“Mm….” My smile’s barely hanging on now. “Can I try to cheer you up? Get you thinking about something else for a bit?”

“I’m… not really in the mood for that right now. Sorry. I know you’re trying to help, but you shouldn’t really waste time on me.”

“But you shouldn’t be alo-”

“Please.”

“... Okay. Yeah, I’ll go.”

I got up and walked away. I felt too heavy to float right then.

I couldn’t understand. I didn’t know what to do, how to make her feel better. I’d never met someone Sunbeam couldn’t make smile. Surely there was a way.

That’s when I remembered. After the explosions that day, people were helping each other. Ordinary people, no powers, no ambitions. Those people were all suffering and injured, but they helped each other anyway. They even helped me. The person who pulled me behind the car. The people who tried to get me to safety. Not everyone was smiling; most people weren’t. If people like that can help each other in a crisis that big, then…

“Hey,” I sat down, as Cloudia this time, with a tired sigh.

“Oh, hey.”

“Today sucked, huh?” I’m not bothering to smile anymore.

“Yeah.” Her eyes matched how tired mine always are.

“I lost my job today, you?”

“Uh, my apartment.”

“Yeesh. Honestly, I might too if I don’t get another job.”

“Sorry to hear that.”

I leaned back and stared up into the cloudy night sky, “You’d probably have a hard time finding someone who didn’t lose something today.”

“Yeah, that’s true…”

“I mean, how many do you think are sitting just like this, mourning what they’ve lost, not sure of what to do next.”

“God, too many,” She clenched her hands, “Just thinking about it makes me want the power to do something about it. I wi-”

“No you don’t.”

She turned to look at me, slightly bewildered.

I don’t look at her. “There are tons of people out there with the power to do something about it. The kind of people who want that power enough to get it… They’re the kind who are too selfish to do something.”

“All of them?”

“All of them.”

“What about Sunbeam? They’re a hero, they save people and make everyone smile. That’s good, right?”

That was flattering to hear, but I knew the truth. “No, them too.”

“Huh?”

“It’s true that Sunbeam tries to do good, but they miss the bigger picture far too often. They made a wish just as dark and hungry as every one of the villains they fight. Even if they make the best of it, they can’t be a hero the same way as the people who suffer as a result of wishes like those.”

“People like us?”

“... yeah.”

“How are we heroes? I mean I’ve hardly done anything good lately, I’ve only lost shit trying to stay alive.”

“Well you taught Sunbeam a lesson today.”

“You saw that…?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t really feel good about how I treated them. I’ll have to apologise.”

“They’ll probably thank you. They needed to learn that the world can’t just be fixed with smiles and rainbows. It takes everyone being there for each other like they were today.”

“Are you serious?”

“Hm? Yeah, I’m serious, I was there downtown when-”

“No, no, I’m saying it’s obvious why everyone’s that way.”

I finally looked back at her. I didn’t understand. “What do you mean?”

“Sunbeam! They’re the reason everyone’s had any hope at all lately. That kind of kindness is infectious. I don’t know how they do it, but they’ve inspired so many people to just be kinder to one another. Some people resent them and want them dead for things outside of their control, but… they’re far from a source of suffering in the world. I can’t bring myself to hate someone like that.”

My face started to feel wet. I’d been crying, “Oh…”

“You okay?”

“Uh, yeah,” I wiped the tears away from my eyes and leaned forward, covering my face, “I’m actually a lot better now.” I was still crying. The sky started to drizzle softly, as if it was sympathizing. “Ah, it’s supposed to rain tonight, I forgot.”

“No kidding,” She exhaled a small laugh, “Maybe I can find a gas station or something to wait it out.”

“My apartment’s close, you can come in for a bit,” I offered.

“You sure?”

“It’s the least I can do.”

“I didn’t really do anything…”

“We can beg to differ on that, hehe,” I smiled a bit. This one’s genuine, “I’m Cloudia, with an ‘O’.”

“I’m Sam,” she smiled back, “Uh, with an ‘A’.”

“Pfft, nice to meet you, Sam.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you too, Cloudia.”

We walked to my apartment and chatted for a while longer. It only took a couple of hours for the rain to let up. She called a cab and left for a motel where she could stay. I never saw her again, not as Cloudia. But every time I see her, she’s a little bit brighter than before. I’m not wholly responsible for that, I know that. She’s not responsible for my current happiness either, but she still helped me. Even just a little bit. Just a little bit is all we need to do for each other to make our wishes come true.

Every little bit I’ve gotten from everyone has brought me closer to that stupid, selfish wish of mine. That wish I made when I was a kid and I saw how happy the sun made everyone. To become who I have wanted to be ever since: My ideal self.