I call myself Cloudia. People didn’t always call me that, some still don’t. It’s the name I chose for myself, so it means something special to me. The clouds in the sky provide me with a comfort that nothing else does. Especially when their state reflects how I feel. Whether it’s soft, fluffy clouds, white streaks painted across the sky, or even a solid ceiling of gloom. I love them.

I hate when they’re gone. I hate when the sky is empty. I hate when the sun beats down on me. Yet for some reason, whenever there aren’t any clouds in the sky, everyone else is happy. I never got it, still don’t, but it’s one of the few comforts of a cloudless sky.

I knew there could never be a world that made every single person happy. People are too different, most of all me, but I still hoped. I wished with all my heart. And when I finally spoke aloud my wish, it was granted. By who or what, I don’t know. All I know is I know I have the ability to transform into someone else. Still me, but more. 

I open my umbrella to become them. My hair turns cloud white, fading into sky blue at the ends. My outfit changes to stylishly match the season. Finally, the umbrella becomes a hard shield that can be closed into a lance.

This person I become can control the weather. Someone with a smile so bright it bounces off others and comes right back. I named this new version of me:

S U N B E A M

(My Ideal Self)

****

“So Sunbeam, first off I’d like to thank you for joining me today.”

“It’s a pleasure to be here, George.”

This wasn’t the first time I’d been on TV, but it was the first time I’d ever done a full interview. I’ve been on camera, and given a couple quotes for the news. Things heroes do. But this time I'd been invited to talk about myself. The first time I’d ever let the people of Celsio City really know me.

“And it’s a pleasure to have you!” George Heckler responded with enthusiasm, “You’ve been so elusive, I’m surprised you even answered the call. I mean we don’t have a number for you or anything.”

“Well, I watch TV, and I saw you wanted me and I figured, ‘Why not?’.” If I didn’t have Sunbeam as a mask, this would be the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done.

“Alright alright, haha.” George flipped through some notes, eager to start. “Well, let’s address the elephant in the room to get it out of the way. I think you know what I mean.”

“Oh, is it about the charity thing, or-”

“HAH! No no, I am curious about that, but no. I mean, are you a boy or a girl. I have money on ‘boy’, but those eyelashes are very pretty.”

“Oh, you mean my gender.” In my day-to-day life as Cloudia, I’d been a woman. But right now I’m Sunbeam. If people can’t tell, then I can say whatever I want. This was a chance to try something new, “I’m nonbinary.” I was a bit surprised at myself for how little hesitation I said it with.

“Ah, okay that’s interesting. So is that more like a boy or a girl, would you say?”

“What? It’s not either of those-”

“Well if you had to pick one”

“Uh, I guess… girl… then…” The herculean ability this smile of mine has of staying on my face, no matter the situation, astounds me to this day.

“Darn, that means I’m down 20 bucks. At least I met a very pretty woman today, haha.”

“Thanks.”

“So Ms. Sunbeam, circling back around to the topic of the charity-”

This is why I never wanted to do interviews. I hated the idea of making definitive statements about who I was outside of what I stood for. I much prefer to let my actions speak for themselves. I wish I could’ve just said that, but “myself” is the one person I can never stand up for.

Whatever. I wasn’t going to let that ruin my day. So what if a few people see Sunbeam as a woman, I’m used to being called that. Doesn’t bother me at all.

I made sure my schedule was clear for the day to do the interview, meaning I had the day off from being Cloudia. I was going to make an entire day of Sunbeam last. So I did the usual. I floated around downtown Celsio, the wind caught in my umbrella making me dance along the sky like a leaf. I parted the clouds around wherever I was. I never wanted people to get rained on while I helped them. Whether I was helping old ladies cross streets or late night drinkers get home, I wanted to be gentle and kind.

When I called myself a hero, you might’ve imagined fighting villains or monsters. But no. Real life has no villains or monsters, so they don’t exist here. Normally, real life wouldn’t have heroes either, but my wish made me one. So I spend my days doing things real heroes can do. I help lost kids find their parents, save cats in trees, and I pay for people’s groceries when they’re short on change. Sometimes I help firefighters put out wildfires and save people from burning buildings. I’ve even caught a criminal here and there and broke up a fight or two. Saving people sounds less exciting than it is when I talk about it like that. Still, this is the kind of action that gives me life.

Once I finished walking a woman to her house, I called it a night. Usually I stop earlier than 12am, but I had the day off the next day too. I transformed back into Cloudia and began the walk back to my apartment. No more weather controlling powers, so it rained on me the whole way. I didn’t mind. It wasn’t that cold and I lived close by. The rain is my favorite weather to make, but I prefer when it happens naturally like this. I think it’s much more beautiful watching the earth breathing live back into itself on its own.

Upon reaching my apartment, I lock the door behind me. I tossed my keys into the basket on the coffee table and flopped face first onto the couch. Letting out a big sigh, I felt my consciousness start to fade to the sound of pitter pattering on the window. It was as if my mind was being washed away by the cool rain itself. There’s no better feeling.

“Jesus dude, you came back late.”

“GAH!”

“Don’t ‘GAH!’ me, Cloudy.” It was my roommate, Raine, who woke me up. “You said you’d help me with closing up this time, and you took the day off. What’s up with that, it’s like 12:30.”

“That was today?”

“Yes.”

“Shiiiiit… sorry man. I just… needed a break today I guess. I don’t know.”

“That is your lamest excuse yet,” he said, “Have you been drinking again?”

“Are you high? I have never, and won’t ever, drink alcohol. You know this.”

“Oh right, you’re like jewish or whatever.”

“No?? And Jewish people can drink, that’s not… there’s nothing that says they can't, I'm pretty sure.”

“Hang on, I’m looking it up now.”

“Are you serious, I know I’m right about this.” I’d been right about a lot of things before. He always had to look them up to be sure. Sometimes I was wrong, but most of the time I wasn’t. Such is the way things have been with us since elementary school.

“Uhhh, I’m not clicking on any of these articles. It’s nuanced, but it looks like you’re right.”

“Damn right I’m right. Now get out of here so I can sleep.” I say, planting my face back into the couch cushion. Our apartment has one bedroom with one bed, and I sleep on the fold-out couch. He sleeps on the bed, but never makes it. He doesn’t appreciate that bed the way I would…

“Hang on,” he started, “I know you’ve got depression or something. I don’t know what you do all day when you aren’t here or at work. You take these random days off to come home more tired than work ever makes you. I just wanna make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“......”

“We done here?”

“... Yeah. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

Falling asleep was easy that night. I don’t get tired nearly as easily as Sunbeam, but reverting back to myself makes me start to feel it. I think it might be making me stronger, my muscles are a bit more toned. So I guess I don’t get sore for nothing, but it still takes a lot out of me. It’s still better to be Sunbeam. I prefer being that person, someone who’s completely unafraid to be myself. Someone with the endurance to handle any problems. I want to be like that all the time.