Wilder and Odeya went into Darsineka’s town to drink the night away, taking with them many of the knights who graduated with us. From here many of them were going home or moving to the more permanent quarters in the castle where they could continue their duties as knights. For Wilder and I, this was the last night we would be in the barracks. We didn’t own a lot; everything could fit into two bags. Tomorrow we would move into the castle and into the same wing as the royal family, now that we were the sword and shield of the King.

I sat on the bunk I had called mine for the last two years, cradling the moonstone pin. I brushed my finger along the delicate nature of the piece. Everything was so surreal now. Gently placing the pin into the soft black velvet container that had been given to me after the ceremony. Looking at the pin closer it captured even the smallest details in the halo of stars that made out the crest of Darsineka. The lid closed softly, and I secured it into my bag so I could lean back into the bed.

Closing my eyes I remembered Wilder’s face. If I could talk to the boy he was before Darsineka, I would tell him his smile would become infectious. That his joy was well earned. That he deserved it.

I could picture who Wilder will become here. The easy gentleness his soul would hold. The way he would sit, like life was meant for him again. A steaming cup of tea in his hands maybe as he admired a sunset after a hard day’s work. Maybe he would find a quiet love. Friends that accepted him. He was already mostly there. He wore a different kind of expression lately.

There was a gentle whistle of wind as it brushed the window. A crow cawed in the distance. A dim light through the window from the moon.

Life before Darsineka was a haunting experience. Pure survival, and maybe something a little darker. His energy fed the monster beneath my surface. He trembled and hid, like death was waiting for him at every corner. Shaking the memory, I tried not to remember the blood. The fear in his eyes when he looked at me. 

I needed to let the past go. He was blooming into a new person.

I sat up, reaching into Wilder’s bag for his journal. He had written an entry before he left for the evening.

I have never felt like this. And I have never seen Wren smile like that. This is where we belong.

His handwriting was careful, hopeful. Like he really couldn’t believe it. Meant it.

I had smiled like that. So why couldn’t I feel it now?

Was this where I belonged? Wilder certainly belonged here, he wasn’t an Infernal, he was warm. Something still human. He radiated like the sun.

My joy was borrowed. The thought made my gut twist. The happiness from the ceremony had already begun to slip. There was a darkness looming, imbuing doubt with its toxic grip on me. Change was hard, and even more so when I was left to ride its wave on my own. Every cell of my body was created to serve, how could I have these wants and desires?

A monster can’t pretend to dream.

There was a rising anxiety in me that was making me sick. The longer it festered the more I felt like I was going to choke.

I didn’t deserve the recognition. I didn’t deserve the title. I was just doing as I was told. Serve. Why should they want someone like me near the throne in the first place?

Nothing but a monster.

The voice rang clear in my head. Something I echoed at myself, but now was the voice of a man that had attacked us once, years ago. The hatred burning in his eyes.

You are not built to survive. Only Serve. No Infernal dies peacefully, that is not their mercy to earn.

My breath felt quick in my lungs as I remembered with vivid clarity the way he hovered above me, knife at neck. The rearing head of the ugly thing inside me as it moved to devour him for daring threaten me with death.

You’ll rot like the ones before you.

I don’t know how I got there but I was faced with my reflection in the mirror in the bathroom. My breath caught and the pit sunk even lower. My eyes were a sharp glinting gold, darkness crawling over my skin at an alarming rate. I blinked and suddenly the man on the edge in the mirror disappeared, replaced with something more grotesque. Pitch black swirling shadows, golden eyes dripping, mouth filled with rows of sharp teeth. I screwed my eyes shut, trying to block it out.

My knees buckled, and I leaned against the back wall. I tried to take deep breaths, but the voices becoming louder.

Killing is in your nature, why deny it?

This time the voice was darker and familiar, like my own. I could hear my heartbeat ring in my ears, the roaring fast beat as it pounded away my chest. Life was a cruel punishment for an Infernal like me. Grappling with a desire to live; but in the same breath seeing that I should never have had that choice to want.

Even the breath you exhale is poisonous. Lean into it. The destruction you are capable of-

With trembling hands I covered my face, taking a deep breath to try and ease the crawling feeling underneath my skin. I don’t know how long I sat there, tormenting myself, but at a point my legs had turned numb, and my heart was in my stomach. I was cold, my hands had been overtaken by my magic out of control, covered in a dark swirling shadow that radiated death.

A knock jolted me out of my mind, looking up as the door swung open. Wilder’s cheeks were red, and he was out of breath. “Wren.” He stood, staring at me with wide frightened eyes. His chest heaved with the effort of sprinting here. Then he collapsed onto the ground next to me. “What happened? I felt a horrible pain coming from the bond.” He reached out the brush my hair from my eyes, but when I flinched, he snapped his hand back like he touched fire. His expression crushed. He was the only one I ever let touch the top of my head, but my brain couldn’t catch up.

I couldn’t bear to look at him, shame flooded my veins. I had ruined his night with the self-deprecation spiral I was falling into. He didn’t deserve this from me anymore. I was weighing him down. I wish I didn’t have to feel like this, it would have been better if I didn’t have these damn emotions, if I let myself just be the monster I clearly was. “I’m sorry.”

Wilder caught his breath and closed his eyes. We both had our demons. His hand touched my shoulder before trailing down to my back. A warm radiating feeling washed over me. The darkness overtaking my body dissipated and relief washed over that itching, crawling feeling. I wanted to cry with relief. Shame. Tell him to just let me go. 

He didn’t need me anymore.

“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I looked up at his face, watched his expression contort into pain. The sharp inhale and quake of his body as he pushed himself to starve off the monster. I never wanted to hurt him. It was torture doing this to him. Especially when it was my duty to protect him.

Wilder pulled his hand away like he had touched a hot iron once my curse had finally faded away. He got up to begin running his arm under cold water. He tried to block the sight from me, but I could see how his hand trembled, lips pressed into a thin line. The water as it ran pink. He had done this so many times before.

That lump in my throat came back as I looked at the trail of blood that remained between us. The cold water ran pink for a long time. Every quiet minute reminded me why I didn’t deserve him. He looked haggard, skin pulsing with pain. 

The only magic Wilder had was to absorb the Infernals curse, at the cost of his own body. This was the future he had, the longer I was with him, the more he had to sacrifice for me.

Deep down I’d always feared he’d leave me. Not that I should be allowed that want.

But times like this, reminded me of what I really feared.