3/1/25 

We went out shopping together today. Noah thinks I need to leave the apartment more and today was supposed to be nice out, so I reluctantly agreed. We went to a cheap clothing store first, I didn’t exactly bring a lot of outfits with me when I unexpectedly moved in with Noah, so I’ve been wearing his clothes, but they don’t really fit right, and he doesn’t have a lot. I forgot how much I like shopping for clothes, trying on new looks and piecing things together used to be one of my favorite things but without money it was kinda a waste of time, so I stopped.  

We spent a long time in that first shop. Noah mainly just watched as I tried things on, but he didn’t complain about being bored. I managed to get him to try a few new things, but he claimed to be happy with his current wardrobe. I picked out just a few basic things to actually buy and a nice jacket. Noah paid for it all when I got distracted near the check-out. I protested but he said something like it would make more sense for me to just pay him back later when my life is more stable. I have a feeling he’ll reject it then too, but I’m making a note to myself to do it no matter what he says then. 

We walked around for a long time; I bought myself a small plant that I saw dying in a store window.  I don’t even know what kind it is, but it has a better chance with me than there. We continued to look at clothes and other random shops before we stopped at a cute little place for lunch. I sat with our stuff at a table outside while Noah ordered. I was trying to look up what type of plant I had when a little girl tapped me on the arm. I nearly jumped out of my skin when it happened. She said she had lost her mom, she wasn’t crying yet but looked ready to at any moment. I stood and lifted her onto the chair where I had been sitting and asked her what her mom looked like. We began to look around together and I did my best to keep her hopeful. We did find her mother in just a few minutes, and she ran over to her. I followed her over to explain what had happened to the mom, but I stopped when I heard what they were talking about. 

The little girl was pointing over at me, and I heard her mention the marks covering my arms and creeping up my neck. I rubbed the ones on my neck feeling the familiar uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I saw that the mother had a beautiful gold and brown leaf peeking out of her own collar. The mother looked at me disdainfully and picked up her daughter to walk away. She explained to her daughter in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear that black marks appeared when you loved the wrong person and that if you give your heart away to too many people then they tangle and spread like mine did and suffocate you. And that you are left with only an empty hole for a heart. She finished by cautioning her child to always protect her heart from others and to never fall in love so easily. Only fall in love with your soulmate, that’s the goal. I had a brief thought as she finished her lecture, but it was quickly shut out by my shame. As if it’s so easy to guess who that is. 

I went back to the table in a sort of daze, I avoided the eyes of everyone else around, but I could feel their stares nonetheless. Noah was waiting at the table for me and placed the food in front of me without a word. We didn’t stay for long and I didn’t eat much. I wanted to go home after that, but Noah insisted we stop at a few more places on the way at least. He tried really hard to get me to cheer up. It was a nice gesture from him. I still didn’t talk much the rest of the day, but I felt less upset by the time we were back at the apartment. I fell asleep on the couch soon after.