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If I Loved You Before

What Freedom Tastes Like (I)

What Freedom Tastes Like (I)

Nov 26, 2025

The morning Virell arrives, the palace feels like it's holding its breath.

Servants move faster, speaking quieter, as if loud noises might crack the polish off the walls. Fresh rushes have been laid in the receiving hall, woven with sprigs of some sharp-smelling herb Elian doesn't recognize. The banners of Aurea hang beside long strips of blue and white—Virell's colors—rippling slightly in the draft from the high windows.

Elian stands just beyond the main doors, waiting with his parents and the royal council. Ceremonial cloak, gold embroidery, collar a little too tight. He has slept badly and woken with the weight of the day already pressing on him.

His mother looks radiant in pale green, her crown catching the light. His father, in his formal robes, seems carved from something solid and immovable. They both watch the open gates at the far end of the long hall, where the delegation is due to appear.

Rowan stands behind and to Elian's right, just within reach if Elian were to take half a step back and stretch his hand. He does not, obviously. But the knowledge sits there like a hidden coin in his palm.

"Stop fidgeting," his father murmurs without looking at him.

Elian stills his hands. "I'm not fidgeting."

"You're tapping your fingers." The king's voice is mild, but the rebuke is clear.

Elian curls his fingers into fists under the folds of his cloak. "Apologies."

"You're nervous," his mother says, softer. There's a faint smile on her lips. "Perfectly natural. It's an important day."

"I know," Elian replies. He wishes the word important didn't always come paired with the word inevitable.

The herald at the far end raises his staff.

The massive doors swing fully open.

The Virellian delegation enters in a measured procession: guards in blue surcoats, advisors in slate and silver, a cluster of attendants bearing chests that are probably full of gifts no one needs.

At their center, walking a half-step behind an older man in a deep navy doublet, is a young woman.

Princess Isla of Virell.

Elian has seen sketches. Miniatures painted from memory by an envoy. They did not do her justice.

She is not beautiful in the soft, golden way of the ballads. Her features are sharper: high cheekbones, a strong nose, dark eyes that miss nothing. Her hair, braided and pinned, gleams like polished chestnut. There's a small, pale scar along her left eyebrow, cutting through it like a stray brushstroke.

She wears blue—not the bright shade of banners, but a muted, stormy tone. Her gown is elegant but not ostentatious, accentuated by a silver chain at her throat.

Her gaze sweeps the hall once as she approaches, curiosity clear but held in check. It lands on Elian for less than a second before moving on. He feels it anyway, like a fingertip pressed to his throat.

The older man beside her—King Aldren, Elian knows—bows when they reach the dais. The Virellian contingent follows suit.

"Your Majesties," Aldren says. His Aurean is accented but smooth. "On behalf of Virell, we offer gratitude for your welcome."

Elian's father steps forward, giving a practiced smile. "King Aldren. Princess Isla. You honor us with your presence. May this visit mark the beginning of a prosperous peace for both our kingdoms."

"May it be so," Aldren replies.

Isla steps forward then and lowers herself into a perfectly executed curtsy. When she looks up, her gaze finds Elian's and holds it.

"Crown Prince Elian," she says. "It is good to finally meet you in person."

Her voice is lower than he expected. Steady, without the nervous lilt he'd imagined in someone his own age thrown into political marriage. There's something wry at the edges of it, as if she's aware this is all a performance and is choosing to play her part well.

"Elian," his father says.

Right. His turn.

He steps down one marble stair, keeping his expression neutral and welcoming, the practiced blend of warmth and distance.

"Princess Isla," he says, inclining his head. "Aurea is honored to receive you. I hope your journey was kind."

"Mostly," she says. "We lost one wheel, one crate of dishes, and three of my uncle's tempers along the way."

A faint ripple of polite laughter passes through the hall at the unexpected humor. Elian feels something loosen in his chest just a fraction.

"I'm sorry about the dishes," he says.

"The tempers were never much use to begin with," she replies, straight-faced.

His mouth twitches.

She hides her own almost-smile quickly, glancing toward his parents as if to check she hasn't overstepped. The queen's expression is politely pleasant. The king's is unreadable.

The formalities march on: more greetings, more lines crafted by advisors. Elian returns to his place beside his parents, watching Isla from the corner of his eye as they usher the guests toward the reception chamber.

"She seems… capable," his father says quietly once the immediate exchange is over.

Elian makes a noncommittal sound.

"Virell is fortunate," the king continues. "A strong heir who understands the importance of duty."

His mother gives Elian a meaningful glance. "You'll have much to speak about, I'm sure."

He nods without trusting himself to respond.

As the procession moves toward the inner doors, Elian's gaze flicks back once more. Isla is listening intently to something Aldren is saying, her brow furrowed. Her hands, clasped before her, are steady.

She looks like someone who expects to be taken seriously.

For reasons he can't quite name, that makes his stomach knot.

Behind him, he can feel Rowan's posture shift subtly as they start walking again, tracking the crowd. It steadies him in a different way.

He lifts his chin and follows.

***

The first private meeting is mercifully small.

Just the two royal families, a couple of key advisors, and, of course, Rowan and two Virellian guards posted discreetly at the walls.

They gather in the solar, an airy room lined with tall windows and an excess of tapestries meant to soften the sound. A long table is laid with wine and small dishes no one touches.

King Aldren talks numbers. Elian's father counters with routes and tariffs. There's a map spread across the center of the table, ink lines marking proposed trade roads, river channels, and borders.

Elian listens. He's learned enough over the years to follow the discussion, to know when his father is pressing and when he's offering concession. He's supposed to interject at certain points, to prove he's engaged, capable, prepared to take on more responsibility.

He responds when prompted. The words come. They feel like someone else's mouth is moving.

Isla sits opposite him, between her father and an aunt whose name Elian's already forgotten. She seems to be paying attention to everything. Her gaze moves from the map to each speaker in turn, eyes flicking, calculating.

At one point, Aldren suggests adjusting a particular trade levy. It sounds minor. Too minor, Elian realizes, to be truly harmless. Before his father can agree or disagree, Isla leans sideways and murmurs something to Aldren, her hand covering part of the map.

Aldren pauses, grunts, and rephrases his proposal, shaving off just enough that it becomes genuinely cooperative rather than exploitative.

His father's jaw relaxes by a barely perceptible degree. "That," the king says, "is more reasonable."

Isla sits back, face calm.

Their eyes meet.

Elian raises his brows, just slightly, an unspoken I saw that.

She gives the faintest of shrugs in response. A ghost of a smile tugs at her mouth, then disappears.

He has the sudden, disorienting sense of being in on a secret with her. A small one, but still.

He doesn't like it.

Or he does, which might be worse.

Rowan's reflection in the window catches his attention for a moment. The knight stands near the far wall, still as a statue, gaze sweeping the room. To anyone else, his expression is unreadable. Elian has known him long enough to see the darts of attention, the way he tracks not just potential threats but emotional shifts, the subtle tightening at his eyes when Elian's hand curls too tight around the edge of the table.

When the meeting finally breaks, Elian feels wrung out despite having done very little.

"Walk with me," his father says quietly as the others file out.

He wants to say he has something else to do, anywhere else to be. But he nods and falls into step beside the king.

They walk through the gallery, portraits of long-dead relatives staring down at them.

"You handled yourself well," his father says. "You listened. You spoke when it was necessary. You didn't give anything away."

"Thank you," Elian says.

"The marriage contract will be finalized before the end of their visit," the king continues, as if discussing rainfall. "We will announce the date at the closing feast."

Elian's mouth goes dry. "Already?"

"There is no sense in delay," his father says. "The situation with the eastern border is growing more tense. The sooner this alliance is sealed, the more secure Aurea will be. Virell understands that as well as we do."

"But surely—" Elian catches himself. He knows how this argument goes. He's had it in his head a hundred times, out loud once or twice. "I thought there would be more time."

His father stops walking. "Time for what?"

For me to make peace with it. For me to find some version of myself that can survive it. For me to—

"Time to ensure everything is properly arranged," Elian says instead.

"Arrangements can be made quickly when they must." The king studies him. There is worry there, but also impatience. "Elian, I know this is… a change. But you are not a child. You know your role. You know what is at stake."

"Yes," Elian says. The word feels like a stone.

His father places a hand on his shoulder. The gesture is firm, not unkind. "Your mother and I had no more choice in our union than you do. We grew into it. Love is not the point. Stability is."

Elian nods. "Of course."

"I would not give you to a kingdom I did not trust," his father adds. "Princess Isla is capable. Intelligent. You will find ways to work together. That matters more than sentiment."

Sentiment. The word sits bitter on his tongue.

"I understand," Elian says.

His father squeezes his shoulder once more, as if to seal the understanding, and then continues walking. "Good. You'll have time alone with Isla this evening, before the banquet. Make use of it. Begin building… something."

Something. A bridge. A facade. A shared prison.

Elian's steps feel heavier as he follows.

***

"Should I be jealous?" Rowan asks later that afternoon, as he helps Elian change into a less formal coat for the pre-dinner meeting.

Elian looks up sharply. "Of what?"

Rowan's hands pause on the fastenings. "Your attention seems very taken with maps these days."

"Oh." Elian exhales. "I thought you meant—" He cuts himself off and looks away.

"Meant?" Rowan prompts.

"Nothing." Elian lifts his chin for Rowan to adjust the collar. "You shouldn't be jealous, in any case. The maps are more honest than most people I've met."

Rowan finishes with the last clasp and steps back to assess his work. "And yet you have to marry the person, not the coastline."

"Tragically," Elian says. "The coastline, at least, won't ask me about heirs."

Rowan's gaze flicks to his. "Has she?"

"Not yet." Elian hesitates. "She's… not what I expected."

"Is that good or bad?" Rowan asks.

"I haven't decided." Elian moves to the mirror, smoothing a stray wrinkle in his sleeve. "She's sharp. She notices things. I think she cares about her kingdom. I also think she understands exactly how to get what she wants for it."

"Useful traits in a queen," Rowan says.

"Terrifying in someone you're supposed to share a bed with," Elian replies dryly.

Rowan's jaw tightens.

Elian sees it in the mirror. That small, involuntary reaction.

"You know," Elian says, lighter than he feels, "you don't have to stand for this part. You could pretend to be sick. Or trade posts with one of the other guards. Save yourself the trouble of watching me… build something."

Rowan's reflection meets his. "You want me to leave?"

The question is quiet. Very quiet.

"No," Elian says immediately. Too quickly. "I just—" He trails off, searching for language that won't land like a confession. "I don't know what's worse. Doing it without you here or doing it with you watching."

Rowan looks away first. "My post is with you. That doesn't change because she walks into a room."

The room feels smaller for a moment.

"Right," Elian says. "Of course."

Rowan turns toward the door. "She'll be in the west garden, according to the steward. I'll escort you there."

"Always so dutiful," Elian murmurs.

Rowan glances back. "Someone has to be."

They walk in silence through the corridors. The palace staff keeps a respectful distance, bowing as they pass. Elian keeps his expression composed, his spine straight, his thoughts in a tight, buzzing tangle.

At the entrance to the west garden, Rowan stops.

"She asked for time alone," Rowan says. "With you."

Elian exhales. "Already making demands. She'll fit in well."

"She asked politely," Rowan replies. There's a faint edge in his tone, as if he's defending her.

"You like her, then?" Elian says before he can swallow the pettiness.

"I don't know her," Rowan says. "But I respect anyone who walks into this palace with their eyes open."

Elian can't argue with that.

He swallows down the inexplicable flare of annoyance. "Well. If I'm not back in an hour, assume I've been drowned in talk of shipping tariffs and send a retrieval party."

"I'll be just outside the archway," Rowan says. "If you need to get out sooner, say you're feeling unwell. I'll back you."

Elian nods. Their eyes meet for a moment—something unspoken passing between them: I'll be near. I'll be listening. You aren't entirely alone in this.

Then Elian steps into the garden. 

sagharrshirazii
Atlas

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In a kingdom built on duty and delicate alliances, Prince Elian has spent his life performing a version of himself he can barely breathe inside—until the night the weight of expectation finally breaks him.

Haunted by a secret love he’s never dared name, Rowan, the stoic young knight assigned to guard him since childhood, becomes the only thing standing between Elian and the life that would consume him.
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What Freedom Tastes Like (I)

What Freedom Tastes Like (I)

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