Instead of a pulse, I hear a vague boing accompanying my vacillating abdomen. Rather than expanding and contracting, I can tell it's moving up and down; that alone should scare me. However, this is normal. Far as I know, this was all I’ve ever known. My “heart” does not exist. “Human” is something I am not — a sham, that’s what I am. 

But I feel. I feel without a heart. This oozing sweat around me, this tight, constricting enclosure. Yes, I know it all too well: this is suffocation. I cannot remain in here; I can never live like this. Maybe it’s because I’m claustrophobic, maybe I’m out of my mind, but I can’t stay in this form; I cannot stay in my body. It strangles me, smothering my every breath. 

“Yes, yes, yes… this body needs to be broken.”

And with that, we’re done. Like we always are. I know I’ve done worse, I’ve lied, but they never found out. Is the world telling them to instinctively assume that I’m okay? That it’s all rainbows and sunshine? When I clearly am not? 

Sweat. I-I can’t. I can’t hold out in here much longer. I need to be someplace else, anywhere other than here. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts! “Gah!” 

My chest aches, the scars I vowed to live with… they itch. Am I even myself? Am I even sane? My vision grows blurry, I can’t see even with these glasses – what is- 

There’s this fire in my – wheeze – I can’t even – needles. Thousands of them, stabbing in and out of my bosom; the shafts of light twisting and contorting this already feeble thorax of mine. I try to, but not a word utters from my suddenly parched throat and… and the pain. God, the pain – it feels so… so… liberating.

“Argh.” Where… am I? 

“If you’re wondering where you are, this would happen to be the infirmary. (pause) Just kidding! It’s actually the Biology Lab on the third floor, considering that that’s the closest we have to one.” 

I can’t help but visibly gag. Again with his dry jokes. “Why am I even here?” 

“Yeah, ‘bout that. You were scratching your chest in class, like there was no tomorrow. I haven’t seen you that obsessed with something since… well, since you-” 

“No need to finish.” 

“Suuurrre. Anyways, I’ll be going for now. Take care.”

That – why did he say that? Acting with a mind of its own, my body goes rampant. My gut retches as I brace myself with the bed rails. Somehow, I’m sure my heart skipped more than one beat, but I can’t control myself as the convulsions take over. The pain’s back; the needles are piercing me again. Everything’s coming back; red takes over my vision. And then there’s nothing else, just red.

There’s darkness around me. I don’t know how long it’s been – I don’t think I can even think at this point. Perhaps I can start by moving my limbs, but they fail to respond. As I try to move them around, layers upon layers of darkness fall on them, like ocean waves pushing them down. That’s new. 

Despite my constant failure, I try nevertheless, not out of fear. No, it feels… strange. I want this. My body convulses as my mind drifts off to ecstasy; I can’t help but feel the same satisfaction that washes over me as intimacy. Why… did I hate this? This is freedom.