Walking into Mateo's place for my next Spanish lesson, I was feeling more confident. I had finally found a clue. Harriet had asked me to be her roommate. We were in the process of becoming roommates. Another thing I had never done before. There were so many decisions we had to make before we could move in together. We had decided to try to get a two-bedroom because our work schedules were so different. Harriet worked during the day, and I normally worked during the evenings. We felt that sharing a room would be hard when we woke up at different times in the morning. We were trying to focus on neighborhoods close to our jobs. Mateo lived close to our work, so I had planned on asking him for his advice about good places nearby.

I walked towards Mateo's with a mission. I had been to his place countless times. We had done Spanish lessons there and watched anime together. Mateo's roommate worked during the night and slept during the day. They had met when Mateo had been working at his old job as a bodyguard for a nightclub. His roommate was a bartender. I have only seen him once. I often forgot about his roommate when I was over. 

Mateo's place was different than anywhere else I had been. First, he lived on the fourth floor of a very tall building. Mateo's apartment even has a pool and gym. His building was grey on the outside and had doors that led into the different apartment units. But the real surprise was inside his apartment. Walking into Mateo's apartment was an experience. The first time I walked in, I was greeted by a giant image of a woman on the wall. In front of her was a counter that was full of candles and other family pictures. Mateo said the woman on his wall was "La Virgen". Someone very important to his beliefs. He also has a cross on the wall next to her. Which he will occasionally draw across himself. He told me it's because he is Catholic, but I have always been curious to learn more. I grew up in a place where there was one religion practiced by everyone, and here, people can choose whatever religion they want. I asked Harriet about it once because we kept driving past different-shaped and named churches. Harriet said her best guess was that there were at least 200 different religions in Los Angeles. Something for everyone. But Mateo seems to be a strong believer in his own faith.

 

After you walk past the religious wall, you come into his room with his couch and TV. He also has his kitchen right next to the couch and TV. He makes food and drinks for me most of the time that I am over. He always has something to offer me. He usually sits on the couch, while I usually sit at the table. He had blankets his mom had made covering the back of his sofa, so if I ever got cold, I had something to warm myself up with. Mateo and I could talk about anything. On days that we did the Spanish lessons, our conversations usually started on topic with the lesson, but then usually veered off into different directions. Mateo would often tease me about something I said that he thought was funny. But he was never offended by things I said. 

The door to Mateo's room was always closed whenever I was over. The first time I had come over, I was a bit worried that it would end up as it had with Nolan. But Mateo never sat next to me, never opened the door to his room, and never even gave me a weird look. After a few weeks of this, I had started to feel safe over at Mateo's. Something that I didn't realize was so important to me until I felt it. 

This visit started out the same as all the rest. Mateo had food and drinks out for us. He offered to make me something else. I told him I just wasn't hungry right now. He then started pulling out stuff we were going to use for the Spanish lessons today. We diligently worked our way through a few more situations that I could use for work. My pronunciation was still wrong, but Mateo swore that it would only get better the more I use it.

I was about to change the subjects when I realized something. "Mateo. The people at work all call me Guera. What does that mean?" Mateo starts laughing. He tells me that it simply means white girl. Very descriptive. But then curiosity gets me, "They call you Primo. What does that mean?" Mateo smiles, "Cousin. Since we are all cousins." I asked, "Are you really related to everyone?" Mateo cracks up, "No, that's just how we call people we are close with." So I looked at Mateo, "So does that mean I should start calling you primo?" Mateo gave a very serious look on his face. He makes a look like he is slightly disgusted, "Hopefully not." My cheeks start to get a bit red. I hope I didn't say something that upset him.

Next, we go into our routine of getting ready to watch anime. Mateo moves over to one end of the couch and asks if I have any requests. My mind is drawing a blank. I can't think of anything. But then I remember why I came over in the first place. I explained to Mateo that Harriet and I want to move to somewhere new, and we wanted to move closer to our jobs. I tell Mateo that since he lives over here, I was hoping he could help us with advice. A giant smile breaks across Mateo's face. He loves feeling useful. He grabs his computer and starts putting in some information on a website that has listings of open places in the area. He shows me the results. I come in and sit right next to him on the couch. He pauses and looks at me with a surprised smile. I haven't been this close to Mateo. At least in his apartment. Walking home, we occasionally bump shoulders, but at his place, I usually try to keep my distance. 

In order to see the screen, I need to be closer to Mateo. My proximity to him on the couch sends a wave of energy between the two of us. Mateo makes eye contact with me, waiting to see if I move myself, but I simply smile back at him. I am fine with this. After the moment passes, Mateo leans closer to me and starts pointing out things on the screen. We evaluate each listing. He insists we are going to want air conditioning. We pull up pictures that are listed to scroll through. It's amazing how different this world is from my own. People have so many choices here. I almost get overwhelmed by it, but then I can always ask people like Harriet and Mateo for help. Just as I look at the fourth place, I get a strong but strange thought. What if I find my way back to my own world? What would happen to Harriet? And Mateo? Would Olivia stay as her roommate? I shudder to think of the hole that would be left behind in my heart if I left. I am starting to feel like maybe I don't want to go back.

Uncertainty settles across me. I tell Mateo I am done looking right now. A noticeable stiffness has come to me. I don't know what the right decision is. Mateo looks at me and asks if I am feeling okay. I shake my head. He closes his computer. He tells me that sometimes when he is not sure what to do, he calls his mom. I think about how much I wish I could talk to my family. This is the longest I have gone without seeing them. I fight off the urge to start crying. I don't want to cry over people who probably aren't crying over me. I steady myself. Mateo gets up and grabs a blanket. He covers me with it. He puts his arm around me and stays there, providing any support he can. I lean my head against him, and my emotions start to recede. He is such a calming influence in my life.