Queens, New York
It was exactly like in the movies. A drab room with a glass wall separating him from his brother. An orange jumpsuit. Hands cuffed.
Mateo flashed him a reckless grin as he sat down. “Hey, little brother. Try to look a bit happier, man.”
Juan managed a weak smile. His gaze drifted over Mateo’s face. Unlike after his first conviction five years ago, it wasn’t marked with bruises this time. He looked relaxed, as if he’d fully settled into life here. At least he was no longer the kid who was just a little too old for juvenile detention and therefore an easy target.
“How’s it going?” Mateo asked.
Juan shrugged. Being here brought back memories of why his brother had been convicted the last time. For a moment, the images flashed through his mind again. Blood in the sink. The knife sticking out of Mateo’s shoulder. Juan’s trembling hands, panic surging through his body.
He blinked it away quickly.
That was five years ago. That time is over.
“Fine,” he said. He rubbed his thumb over his biggest knuckle. He avoided his brother’s eyes, even though he knew Mateo could see straight through him. “It’s quiet at home.”
“Let E crash at your place.”
That wasn’t a bad idea. His friend was eager to move out. Juan didn’t really understand why — his parents were everything Juan’s weren’t — but Emilio probably just wanted to stand on his own two feet.
Juan looked up again, briefly meeting his brother’s gaze. “How is it here?”
“Not bad.”
Silence settled between them. Juan bit the inside of his cheek. “Is it true?” he asked softly. “Did you really do it?”
Mateo leaned back. “I wouldn’t be sitting here otherwise, would I?”
“Well… sometimes they get it wrong,” Juan muttered.
His brother smirked. “Usually not.”
Despite the news reports and court hearings, Juan hadn’t really wanted to believe that Mateo had stabbed someone in the chest over and over again. The victim hadn’t died — otherwise his brother would’ve been locked up for decades.
“But why?”
“He deserved a hell of a lot worse than what I did to him.” Mateo’s expression hardened.
“Who is he?”
“Doesn’t matter.” His eyes turned unforgiving. There was no point in pushing further. The coldness lingered for a few seconds, then Mateo’s face relaxed again. “Congrats on your diploma. Game design — that’s sick. I had a trip planned, but you should rebook it so E can come with you.”
Juan stared at him in disbelief. A trip? He’d gone to Spain twice for a week to visit his sister; aside from that, he’d barely left New York State. Growing up, there’d never been money for things like that. “Where to?”
“Three weeks in Peru. I booked places in three regions. Jungle, highlands, and the coast. Figured it was time you actually saw some of the world.”
Juan was speechless. “That must’ve cost you a fortune.”
Mateo shrugged. “I saved up. And I won’t be spending much for a while anyway.”
That wasn’t true. Their apartment rent was still running. Insurance, bills—
“Don’t worry about it, Juan.” Mateo’s voice was sharp, easing the tightness in his chest a little. “I’ve got the money. Other people get a car or something — you get this. Or would you rather—”
“No,” Juan said quickly, not wanting to sound ungrateful. He could always find a cheap car later. His best friend worked at a garage; he’d know where to get one. Besides, Juan didn’t really need a car — he could get everywhere by public transport. “A trip is way better.”
“And you can always use my car if you need it.”
“Yeah… right.”
Juan bit his cheek again. He never knew how to express gratitude; he’d always struggled with that. His brother did so much for him, and Juan constantly felt like he was falling short because he had nothing to give back. He wished he could’ve taken the trip with Mateo… Going with Emilio would be amazing too, but with his brother it wouldn’t have felt like he was piling up another debt he could never repay.
“You don’t look very happy,” Mateo said.
Shame crept up his neck. Why did he always have to overthink everything? They had so little time together, and here he was making it difficult. “It’s just…” He searched for words. I wish I could’ve done this with you. I hate that you’re in prison.
They wouldn’t come out. Juan took a deep breath. “I’m just having a hard time with all the changes.” He smiled hesitantly. “It’ll be fine once I find a job and Emilio moves into the apartment. And the trip really is awesome — I just wish you could come.”
Mateo sighed. “Me too, man. I’m not in here for fun.”
But when you stabbed that guy, you must’ve known this could happen.
It felt wrong to be angry at someone who’d done so much for him — who’d put band-aids on his scraped knees, made sure there was food at home, wrapped an arm around him when things got rough. Still, there was a gnawing feeling in his stomach — disappointment, the sense that Mateo had abandoned him, that some conflict with a guy Juan had never even seen had mattered more than his own brother. This extravagant gift almost felt like a way to make up for it. And as amazing as it was, it didn’t make up for the fact that he could now only see his brother by appointment, that they couldn’t just hang out on the couch anymore, that he ate alone every evening while the silence in the apartment crushed him.
Mateo’s expression had hardened.
Juan searched for words before his brother stood up and left, before the tension lodged in his body until the next visit. “When is the trip, actually?”
“You fly to Lima on September 16. From there, there’s a domestic flight to Cusco — and I booked flights to the other locations too. Easier than renting a car. I’ll send you all the info.”
That was almost two months away. At least he had time to prepare.
“Read everything through. If anything’s unclear, we can go over it again.”
“The jungle?” Emilio stared at Juan like he’d just suggested jumping into an active volcano. “What the fuck am I supposed to do there?”
“Hike, fish for piranhas, spot caimans and monkeys — that’s sick, right?”
Emilio snorted. “I’ll just go to the zoo. Haven’t been there since I was, like, seven.”
Juan shook his head. “You’re literally the only person who complains about being offered a free round trip.”
“You only get to spend your time once.”
Juan laughed dryly. His friend spent most of his time gaming, so he wasn’t exactly selective. “Fine. I’ll ask Armando then.”
“I’m fucking with you, man. Of course I’m coming! That jungle sounds like hell, but it’d be a shame if you got eaten by a tiger. Someone’s gotta drag you away if you start hyperventilating.”
Juan wasn’t sure whether Emilio was mocking his anxiety disorder or just not thinking about how that comment might land, so he let it slide.
“And hey, that beach vacation sounds great either way. Some hot girls on the beach and a cold beer and I’m good.”
“Your shallowness is almost inspiring.”
Emilio grinned. “Almost? You could stand to enjoy that kind of thing too.”
Juan smiled faintly. Since his relationship with June had fallen apart about a year and a half ago, he hadn’t paid much attention to other girls. He was still wrecked by it. Unlike his brother and best friend, he’d never seen women as mere entertainment. Fleeting encounters would only make him miss her more.
He shook the thought of his ex away before it could spiral. His brother had planned an incredible surprise for him — he needed to enjoy it. Live in the present, not cling to what had already happened.
“Are you gonna visit your mom before you leave? Or are you just… I don’t know, disappearing?”
Juan suppressed a sigh. His resolution from a few minutes ago felt naïve. As if he could ever fully cut himself loose from the past. Without a past, there was no present. “I don’t know,” he muttered, picking at the clasp of his watch. He hadn’t spoken to his mother in so long… She’d been furious when he moved in with his brother, and every conversation since had turned into a fight. Still, it felt strange to travel to the other side of the world without telling her. He felt like he was drifting further and further away from her. She was still his mother — even if she didn’t want to be. Against his better judgment, he kept hoping there would come a moment when she might feel the same. “Do you think it’s worth it?”
Emilio shrugged. Leaning back on the couch, one foot propped against the coffee table, he slipped a cigarette between his lips. Juan would’ve preferred it if they didn’t smoke in his apartment, but he didn’t feel like stepping out onto the balcony. The wind was biting, and this wasn’t exactly a topic you could cut off easily.
“Well — in some ways your mom’s like me. Hates apologizing.”
Juan wasn’t sure that was true. Maybe the real reason she never apologized was that she simply didn’t regret the things she said or did.
“Then it helps if the other person meets you halfway,” Emilio added.
Juan bit his cheek. “And what if she just tells me to leave?”
The day he’d told his mother he wanted to move in with his brother, she’d called him an ungrateful bastard and accused him of humiliating her in front of the whole neighborhood. She’d snapped that he shouldn’t come crying when he realized what kind of sick mind his brother had. Now that Mateo was in prison, she probably thought Juan needed help.
“Then you leave?” Emilio said with a shrug. “I don’t know, man. You could also not go, but I know you’ve been agonizing over this for months. Now you’ve got an excuse.” He took a drag from his cigarette and leaned over to tap the ash into a plant pot beside the couch. “Want me to come with you?”
Juan hesitated. His mother wasn’t exactly fond of Emilio. Still, having him there would reduce the chance of a panic attack. At the same time, it made him feel pathetic to need his best friend just to talk to his own mom. “Nah. You don’t have to. I’ll be fine.”
He smiled as convincingly as he could.
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