That same nightmare. Blankets strangled like vines as I shoved them away, trying to gain my bearings back on reality. Everything itched, sweat hanging off my brow, and heaving breaths stuttered in my chest reminding me that I was here, and not there.

Leaning my head back against the wall I waited for my heartbeat to stop beating out of my chest. My gaze went across the room to Wilder. He was still fast asleep. He was safe. I was safe. Finally reassured I closed my eyes, working on grounding myself so that the fire rushing through my veins would cool off. 

A deep breath in through my nose and then an exhale through my mouth. The air felt stagnant. I needed something cooler. I needed to get out of this room. Slipping on my jacket and with one last passing glance at Wilder to make sure I hadn’t woken him; I stepped out of the room.

-

The evening was balmy, just what I needed, instantly washing over me with its refreshing air. I passed an empty pasture; quiet now since the horses were tucked away safely. Then a large garden that the King told me was his most prized part of this castle. Dedicated to his late wife, with high walls of roses and a fountain at its center. 

While enjoying the garden tonight would be a great choice to calm myself, I had a better idea. Near the farthest end of the castle, there was a pond. It was the farthest from any chance of seeing anyone. The barracks and most of the staff quarters were all on the other side of the castle. This side of the castle was mostly offices and then the training grounds, which meant no people until well into the morning.

I approached the bank of the pond and sat near the edge. Whenever I had that nightmare, it always left with this skin crawling feeling. The reflection of the moon on the pond’s surface was calming.

Tenderly I reached up and touched the soft ends of my hair. It was beginning to get some length again. But it wasn’t enough to grab yet, which was a relief. Hands on my head always left something rotting under my skin. Like a memory trying to crawl its way back in.

I was exhausted from feeling like this. 

I laid back in the grass, folding my hands behind my head, and stared up at the night sky. This had not been my first time out here and doubted it would ever be the last. Typically, I didn’t dream the full memory, just small fragments. But the way my mind has been lately… It just broke through.

Just when I was beginning to cool off; there was a sound of footsteps creeping up behind me. Looking up I was surprised to see a familiar figure above me on the pathway. “King Aldous? What are you doing out here at this hour? And where is the Knight that’s supposed to be with you right now?”

The King stopped on the path above the pond. A small smile on his face. “I told him I was capable of watching after myself for a small stroll. I couldn’t sleep; the moon’s energy is feeding me extra tonight.” He flashed a soothing smile. “Care to join me on my trip back inside?” He waved for me to walk with him.

I didn’t have much choice based on the look he was giving me; and I didn’t mind. I joined him on the path, offering to help him walk but he motioned for me to keep my hands away.

Every step the King took was slow, so I matched his pace, not rushing him as he hobbled along. “You look like the world has failed you. Is everything okay?”

“I’m sorry I made you worry.” I felt like a part of me had let him down. The two of us had begun to spend a lot of time together and he had taken so much of his precious time to teach me things I would have never dreamed about learning. I don’t know what really drew me in when he spoke, but I did know he was kind and patient with me. That meant far more.

“Don’t fret about me. I am far more curious about what is on your mind. What’s troubling you?” His gravelly voice lowered with concern.

“I was just looking for some fresh air.” I avoided his gaze when I said it.

“I know a lie when I hear it.” The King chastised me with a tsk. “You cannot fool this old man. You don’t have to share your troubles with me if you don’t want to. But I do want to impart some wisdom upon you with a little bit of a story.” He didn’t even wait for me to agree; he launched right into it. “Back in my younger years when I first took the throne of Darsineka, I had the pleasure of knowing an Infernal much like yourself. So much in fact that she too was constantly struggling with two demons inside of herself.” He paused his walking, looking out towards the garden. 

After a moment we continued on. “One demon wanted to become consumed with the duty she was born into, and the other wanted to break free of her shackles and chase humanity. She was in the thick of a battle of her own psyche. It took many years, and in its wake, an insurmountable emotional toll. It tore her in two so much that it broke her spirit. It was a horrible sight to watch. By the end, there was hardly a shell of what she once was. I didn’t know if I would ever get the chance to talk to another Infernal, but if I ever did, I reserved myself to doing everything in my power to save them from the same fate. I cannot witness that again; it’s a living death. Wren, those demons inside of you will tear you apart in much the same way unless you can overcome them. You have done so much to heal everyone around you, that you need to let us in to help you too.”

My chest tightened with emotion. I didn’t know what to say at first. “Infernals are unnatural but have a specific purpose. I am sure your experience with the other infernal would tell you that we are complex and tied to a fate that is mapped before us. There is no room to have desires outside of what we are born with. We are meant to take those feelings that are too much and bear them on our own. These feelings, emotions, even memories are our power. We’re created to carry what others can’t. Grief. Guilt. Regret. The weight no one wants. Humanity is for people like you but not monsters like me. I know where I belong, the demons inside of me have kept me in that place. There is no other option.”

We came to a short stop in front of the back door to the castle. The King stood at the bottom of the steps. I stopped next to him; he reached a shaky hand out and placed it on my shoulder. “You exist because in that moment, someone needed you. And they will continue to always need you. Wilder has shown he is ready to share your burden. Little do you know; you both have barely begun the healing process.” His hand dropped to my forearm, as I helped him ascend the stairs. “I know it is difficult to navigate this because there aren’t clear answers when it comes to Infernals and their purpose, but I do know one thing. You aren’t a monster, Wren. You are a blessing. The day you let someone into your heart, you will understand.”

Once inside he let go of my arm. I couldn’t look at him. There was never any clear-cut explanation or reason for an Infernals existence, but I knew the weight of the burden regardless. There was something deep within me and it was much darker and sinister. There were just some boundaries I was not meant to cross. “Sir. I’m sorry. I just don’t share your sentiments. Wilder deserves to look forward and focus on living. I will be behind him every step of the way until he decides he no longer wants me. That’s my purpose. Everything in between is just me doing my duty.”

The King looked sad. “Wren. I know that you are in pain now, but one day that can change, if you just were brave enough to reach out and grasp that future on your own. There’s a childlike wonder inside you that is begging to be let out.”

I was exhausted. Usually, I held onto every word King Aldous said, but this was just something I don’t think I could wrap my head around. “Let’s get you back to your room sire. It’s late.”

“I have lived a very full lifetime, over a thousand years. I am far wiser than you can believe. And because of that, I know how wrong you are. I only want you to understand that you are not a tool or a burden to anyone around you.” He wanted to bridge this gap between our understandings, but I couldn’t find the strength in myself to see it that way. My night wasn’t getting any better and I desperately wanted to rest.

“Thank you… But it is just my job.” I said it too quietly. The lie tasted bitter. “And my other job is ensuring your safety. Let’s get you back to your room.”

Later when the King was settled in his bed, I pulled a chair over to his side. “I’ll wait here until you fall asleep.” The King heaved a large breath.

“You don’t have to do that Wren. I am a grown man. I can sleep without you watching over me.” He closed his eyes.

“You need sleep your Majesty, and you won’t rest. The evidence being you out walking around tonight, you could have really endangered your health if you aren’t careful.”

The King chuckled softly. “Fine. I understand.” His breathing was light. “That day at the library. Did you reconcile with Clay?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I am glad. I remember seeing the way the two of you were during training. My grandson is quite a spitfire, but he’s true to those he cares for. And one day when he takes over this Kingdom, he will need your support. He has his faults. But he is also a child.” His eyes met mine, weary. “And so are you. Watch each other’s back, you need friends now more than ever.”

“I understand. I will make sure he’s safe.”

“Thank you, Wren. You’re a good man. Thank you for keeping me company.” The King closed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.

-

Something felt wrong and it stirred me awake. My eyes blinked open, and I felt a cold hand slip from my shoulder. I sat back in my chair in shock. I could feel the world as it fell out from beneath me.

I lunged forward, my chair clattered backwards, fingers against his neck.

Searching. Begging it to be there.