I was shaken awake by Wilder, his hand firm against my shoulder. I stared up at him with confusion as his lips pursed together, a deep furrow between his brows. There was an unsettled edge to him that filled the room tensely. I grabbed his arm and pulled his hand away. The weight of his gaze broke the fog of my sleep as we stared at each other. He almost didn’t need to say anything. Something was very wrong.

But there were no words, all I had was the sinking feeling that something bad had happened and it began to light every nerve on fire in my body. Wilder opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but the words died before they could escape. 

“Wilder you are scaring me, what’s wrong?”

“It’s your grandfather.” His words hit my gut with a force that knocked my breath out of my lungs. With rising panic, tears burned the back of my eyes, my vision became hazy. “He passed away in his sleep.”

My legs felt numb as I pushed the covers back and swung them over the edge. “Where is he?” My whole body quaked, and it felt like any second I was going to collapse. But my feet carried me out of my room, Wilder right on my tail.

“He’s still in his room; we just found out.” The walk was blurry through my tears; I didn’t notice what eyes were on me or people who had to move just for me to get through. He couldn’t be gone. I pushed my way into my grandfather's room, where I stood above his bedside. I felt like the world was spinning around me, and it wasn’t slowing down.

Didn’t he know I couldn’t lose him too? With a trembling hand I balanced myself on my grandfather’s nightstand. 

I couldn’t take the crown like this. I couldn’t do any of this without him. He was the shelter in my chaos, and without him, I didn’t know how I was going to navigate the dark. Family was the only thing I could count on to give myself a sense of normalcy. I leaned my head down and choked back tears, pressing a shaking hand to his now cold face.

A hand graced my back with its comfort; I looked back to find Wren standing there. His gaze was filled with a deep sorrow, had he cried too? He looked right at me, understanding and concern flickering. “Clay, you don’t have to be here if it’s too much. Do you want to step away?”

I shook my head and melted onto the floor, burying my face in the bed next to my grandfather. 

I was officially alone.

It created left a huge gaping hole in my chest. Without my grandfather I lost my guiding light, and I was terrified of the dark.

-

Having to plan for my grandfather’s funeral, with the expectations of everyone watching my every move now was hard. 

They stared. Waited.

Wanted answers. But I had none for them.

It was so hard to not absolutely lose it on people when they kept asking when I planned on making the announcement of taking the crown. The mass of letters that poured in from all over the world to the insistent visits of the townsfolk who wanted to find a story to tell. 

Did they not know I was grieving and needed time to breathe?

My grandfather's Moonstone felt weighty and cool to the touch as I brushed a thumb over its smooth polished surface. My grandfather always told me that our country’s symbol was a moonstone because it made him feel closer to his wife. He said she was strong and brilliant, and if she had the strength to do so she would have hung every star in the sky. He carried this stone with him everywhere, it brought him comfort, and to a degree, me now. Both of their memories would be carried by me as I took these next steps.

I had barely left my room since the day he died. Deep down I felt like I needed to keep going, he would be so mad at me if he saw me now. But grief was hard to swallow. Being faced with it, I was caught in its undertow. Unable to fight it. All the time in the world and I don’t think I would forget this kind of ache.

Slipping on a sweater with the stone tucked into my pocket I pulled open my bedroom door for the first time in days. 

The sight of Wren sitting against the opposite wall stopped me in my tracks. His eyes met mine as he quickly scrambled up, like he hadn’t just been caught loitering outside my door at this hour. “Clay, I’m sorry. I wanted to give you your space but I-”

“It’s ok. You don’t need to explain anything to me. You are just doing the job you were given.” To protect the King. I crossed my arms over my chest to keep my sweater closed, strumming my fingers on my arms. 

Wren looked like he was rolling through every excuse in the book as to why he was outside my door tonight, and honestly, I didn’t need to hear it. I was just glad he was there. “I was feeling a bit hungry, so I was just heading to the kitchen. You can join me if you want.” I didn’t really want to be alone right now anyway. Instead of waiting for an answer I began walking down the hall. His footsteps were right behind me.

We made it to the kitchen in no time. It must have been fairly late since there was no one there. Good, I wasn’t ready to start facing people as their King. I stopped in front of the pantry and pulled the door open. Looking inside for something to eat. Fingers drumming on the handle now. This was certainly going to become a new nervous habit. It’s like the nerves in my hands were part of a live wire. They couldn’t stop moving, needing to keep busy. 

Wren must have felt that I wasn’t really looking at what was in front of me because he offered a solution. “I can prepare something for you.” I turned to see Wren, who now stood across the counter from me. Hands braced on the wood with a vice like grip. His eyes were fixed on the counter, like he was ashamed to look at me.

“If you would like… I don’t want you to feel like you have to.” Wren took a moment, but he finally looked up at me, before only shaking his head and walking around the counter between us. He reached around me to grab a basket of mixed fresh veggies from the fields that must have been harvested earlier in the day.

“I don’t feel like I have to.” He set the basket next to the sink and paused. “But I do know you haven’t eaten in at least two days, and I want you to save your strength. Take that chair and bring it here, I won’t be long.” He motioned to the chair in the corner and pointed to the counter. Did he gather these ingredients before and was waiting for me to come out of my room to make sure I was okay? He began by washing some zucchini in the sink. His sleeves were rolled to his elbows. He wore a simple long-sleeved nightshirt and a pair of sweatpants. He must have gotten ready for bed, maybe as anxious as I was and hadn’t slept yet. 

I silently listened to his directions, grabbing the chair to bring to the counter to watch him. I picked at the cuticles of my fingers while I waited. I still wasn’t used to how slow my thoughts had become. Like everything dragged now that nothing really felt right anymore.

We spent the next few minutes in silence. There was the sound of the knife as he chopped some wild mushrooms, the crackling sound of the oil frying with the scrape of his wooden spoon on the pan. The smell of some chicken as he seared it to perfection. There was a comforting aroma filling the kitchen. I leaned into the soft atmosphere, closing my eyes and just letting myself breathe. 

I didn’t know Wren could cook like this. 

But I also didn’t know how badly I needed the comfort of someone just existing with me like this. I broke the ambiance of the moment. “Can I speak freely with you for a moment? I just want someone to talk to.”

He responded without hesitation. “Of course.” He didn’t turn around, perhaps to give me the space I needed, less expectation that way.

I thought for a moment about what I even wanted to say. These thoughts I had only been thinking and not spoken out loud. “I don’t know how I’m going to do this without my grandfather. He was the last of my family, I never knew anyone else.” I pictured how he was years ago, even old and wrinkled, he was strong and steady. “He was so smart. I don’t want to let anyone down. Being King is going to be harder than I could have imagined… I wish there was anyone I could talk to that has gone through what I have, to know how they dealt with it. I feel like I am drowning.”

Wren turned the stove off as he prepared the plate. Laying down a couple slices of bread with rosemary butter. He had fried the chicken and veggies with some oil and light spices with a side of some brown rice. “This shouldn’t be too heavy on your stomach at this time of night.” He leaned against the counter next to me. He crossed his arms over his chest. “I know things are tough… But I know you won’t be alone in this.” I looked up from the meal to him. He still wasn’t looking at me. He was still awkward with me, but in the sweetest way. I could tell it was because he cared about how I was doing but without the knowledge of how to help, so he was just doing what he knew.

“Wilder and I are prepared to be by your side every step of the way. We may not have served the King long, but he still gave us a home when we didn’t have anywhere else to go. We are the King’s Sword and Shield.” He finally turned those golden eyes to me. He was so earnest in his promise to be there from now on. “I won’t let you face this alone.” 

I stood from the chair and before my brain could catch up to what I was doing, I was gathering Wren in a tight hug. At first, he was stiff but easily reciprocated the hug after he realized what I needed. His arms were firm as he held me tightly. We stood for what felt like forever before I heard him speak again. “But just make sure you address me as Wren, and not a stick up the Ass, Ok?”

I smiled.

Maybe for now, things would be alright.

-

Ezra dropped his book in surprise. He pulled his reading glasses away from his eyes and broke into a smile. Wilder whacked Ezra on his arm for his dramatics but offered a smile as well. Ezra reached down to pick up his book before approaching me where I had been sat at my grandfather's desk. “Well, I’ll be dammed, the King finally appears. I thought you were going to haunt your bedroom forever.” I touched the mahogany gently and danced my anxious fingers on the solid wood.

“Well, it took some convincing, not going to lie. But... Here I am. I think I am ready to try giving this a good shot.”

 Ezra sat his book down and sat in the chair on the other side of the desk. “Well, no pressure if you don’t feel ready, but if you are, then Wilder and I can show you some of the work we have done in your place while you were adjusting.”

I looked up at them carefully. I truly didn’t feel like I deserved either of them. They didn’t have to do what they did, but I appreciated the hell out of them for it. “I would love it if you could show me. You shouldn’t be doing my work anyways; this job is something I have been preparing for.”

“If there’s one thing I have learned, it is to count on those closest to you to help you when you are in need.” Wilder cut in softly. “You have been grieving Clay and none of us wanted you to feel like you were navigating this on your own. I’m just glad I could help in some way.”