It was just a couple of weeks after we moved in that two major holidays came. I was again unfamiliar with the customs of Los Angeles. But there are the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Typically, they are spent with family. Harriet had invited me to spend the holidays with her family. A few days later, Mateo was walking me home when he asked if I wanted to join his family for Thanksgiving. I felt so bad. I looked down, embarrassed. I had to tell him that Harriet had already invited me to spend Thanksgiving with her family. Mateo looked upset. He thinks for a few seconds. He sucks in his breath as he is considering what to do next. Then he says, “What about Christmas?” I am unsure about holidays and customs here, but it's apparent that everything in our restaurant and other stores has been blanketed in reds and greens. I don’t know what is appropriate. I want to maintain a good relationship with Harriet, but I also want to cheer Mateo up. I ask him if I can talk to Harriet about it first. He nods his head, agreeing that he can wait.

We finally arrive at my house, and I ask him if he wants to come in for dinner. After moving in with Harriet, she had started cooking for both of us, since I didn’t know how to cook. I had been doing dishes to make it up to Harriet. She appreciated it. We had found a happy medium between the two of us. Mateo would sometimes join us, but other times he had plans already. He and I haven’t talked about the first night he spent at my place. He snuck out the next morning before I woke up. It was a bit sad, because I had really wanted him to try some of the coffee from the coffee maker he got for me. But, we were still in our routine, which we had been living in before. At one point, I heard Alicia say “Mi amor,” and I had to ask her what that meant. She told me that it meant my love. A term of endearment for someone you like. I got so embarrassed. Things between Mateo and me had stayed within the realm of friendship. But it seems like his intentions are something more. I can’t help but get anxious thinking about being in a relationship with him. So I am avoiding thinking about it too much.

After talking things over with Harriet, I decided to spend Thanksgiving with her and that I would spend Christmas with Mateo. Harriet folded her arms dramatically when I told her that Mateo had invited me to Christmas with his family. She gave a very loud, “REALLLLLY?!” I ask Harriet what the problem is, and she says, “I’m trying to think of a time I ever saw Mateo bring home someone to his family. He has always been pretty.” She stops herself and looks at me. Remembering that she is talking to me. She says, “I don’t want to tarnish his reputation, but he has always been a bit of a player.” I don’t know what is meant by this. I ask her to elaborate. She folds her arms, “I just want you to keep your expectations low. He tends to get distracted by new girls more than staying loyal to one person.” I’m taken aback by this. Since things with Mateo have always been tame and moving very slowly, I had just assumed that this was who he was. I started to get a pit in my stomach. Maybe I don’t know the real Mateo. Harriet tries to make me feel better by saying, “If you aren’t sure, he at least is the type of guy who will be honest with you.” I start to spiral. Now I'm questioning things between Mateo and me. 

Harriet and I return to her mother’s home for Thanksgiving. This year, Harriet had promised her mom that she would help cook. Which was funny because I don’t know how to cook. I have been getting a few lessons from Harriet when she cooks for us. I doubt that my skills will be useful. On our way out, Harriet and I stop for some food and drinks. We arrived early enough on Thursday to help with the meal. I cut up sweet potatoes, I shredded cheese, and boiled the noodles. Things that don’t require much skill. Harriet and her mom were joined in the kitchen by her grandma while the men were preparing the table. I watched three generations of women all sharing memories of past Thanksgivings, or trying to remember ingredients in a recipe. Watching Harriet with her family makes me feel jealous. I had never been close to my mother. She was almost completely absent from most of my memories. My father had been controlling and angry. Harriet’s family makes me realize that things can be done differently.

After the meal was ready, we all sat down. The scent of food rose above everything else. Harriet’s family sat down together to eat. Halfway through the day, she had some aunts, uncles, and cousins arrive. I talked to her younger cousin. She is still in high school. Her family lives in Riverside. Martin’s girlfriend also joined us about an hour before the meal was ready. Her name was Nevaeh. She was bright and bubbly. The opposite of Martin, who was also pretty calm and cool. She sat next to me at the dinner table. As the two non-family members, we formed a bond as outsiders. I asked about her family, but she simply said that her mom was working on Thanksgiving. She instantly changed the conversation to asking me questions. I shared that my family wasn’t from around here, and Nevaeh instantly felt protective of me. People in Harriet’s family had all been so accepting of me. I felt lucky to have found Harriet.

After dinner was over, her family had a tradition of everyone going around the table and sharing one thing they were thankful for. Harriet had warned me earlier, so I could have time to think about what I might want to say. I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to share. But people shared their love for their family, their jobs, their health, and their food. I didn’t know much about Thanksgiving, but this seemed like a sincere holiday. I felt touched as I listened to people sharing their gratitude with others. Nevaeh’s turn meant that mine was next. I listened as she shared her gratitude for the country to live in, where she could work and try to get a better life. People nodded their heads in agreement. Then it was my turn. I honestly struggled for the right words. But after a few seconds, I began trying to explain how full my heart was. I began, “I’m grateful for people who are open and accepting of me. I’m grateful that those people are willing to open their hearts and homes to me. I’m grateful for people who open up their homes without question to someone who doesn’t.” Harriet gets teary-eyed. She leans toward me and whispers, “We call this a found family. A family that we chose for ourselves.” I think about how true that is. I may not have a family like Harriet’s, that loves spending time together. Despite the rejection I felt from my family, I have found people in Los Angeles that I love as much as my own family. Found family. I like the sound of that.

We stayed up late playing games with Harriet’s family. The games were mostly card games. Harriet carefully explained the rules to me for each game. My favorite game was called Canasta. I played it with Harriet, her grandma, and her brother. Martin and I were on a team. He tried giving me signals in the game without speaking. I was horrible at figuring out what he was trying to say, but I eventually got a good understanding of the game. As the night went on, I found myself next to Martin while his girlfriend played gin rummy with his mother. I told him how impressive it was that he took such care of his younger sister. He calmly told me that he had never considered treating her any differently. He just did what had come naturally to him. I started to tear up. I was having regrets about how my life had materialized in a different pattern than his.

I told him all about how I was the eldest in my family. I had a brother and a sister. My brother Talon was the secondborn. He and I had always had a tenuous relationship. I felt like his birth changed things for me forever. My parents finally had their son. I was no longer necessary. It felt like my life had dropped out of my control after his birth. He and I were constantly pitted against each other. Unlike my sister, with whom I had commiserated about our parents together, things between Talon and me were more stilted. I think about our hours spent at sword training together. For me, I loved it, but I could tell that Talon had felt threatened by my presence there. He was given everything he wanted. For me, it came as an afterthought to my parents. For example, Talon was given the best tutors. And it wasn’t until the tutors arrived that my father even thought about getting one for me. Which he did, but only to teach me etiquette lessons. I was always comparing myself to my brother.

After confiding in Martin, I regretted the relationship that I had with Talon. Now that I have watched these two siblings who were so close, I wish Talon and I could have gotten to a better place.  I was the eldest, I could have done what Martin did and set an example for a good relationship, but I felt so threatened by my brother that I never did. I wonder about how things would have played out for me differently if I had made more of an effort with Talon. My only saving grace was that at least when things were at their worst, during my brother’s assassination attempt, I protected him. Even though that had led to me being murdered by my sister...I would still choose the same thing. I am left with uncomfortable thoughts and regrets about my family.

Martin did give me some advice after hearing about my story. He reminded me that it wasn’t too late. He said that this time away from my family has given me time to reflect, and I could use this as an opportunity to change. My head nodded as I listened to him. I started tearing up. Because with Talon, there is no chance to change things. I have no idea what he is doing. I don’t know if I will ever see him again. Our relationship is outside my control. But that is not the case for Olivia’s sister. I think about how things between the two feel distant. I can use this time that I am here to make things better between the two sisters. I stop crying and make a promise to myself to reach out to Olivia’s sister, and soon.