Read Coin Rush - Series 3 :: Episode 2 - Cheesy C.K

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INT. HOTEL PIZZA COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

CHEESY: Come one, Come all. Welcome to the 4 am stand up comedy club! (whispering to cheeseburger) For the insomniacs.

CHEESEBURGER: (sigh) Cheesy, I don't think this is a good idea. You've invested so much on this and it will make truckloads of money. But i feel like you're making fun of people with insomnia.

CHEESY: (mock offended) Oh, words, words, words brother. I can even demonstrate how this club works!

(clears throat,holding the mic) Okay I--where's the applause?!

(Silence.)

CHEESEBURGER: Um, Cheesy. There's no...one here except for that nasty-minded monkey.

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EXT. HOTEL PIZZA COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

ADAM DIAGONAL: (shouting) Jackpot, ladies! I win the jackpot!

LADIES: (stunned) Oooh.

ADAM DIAGONAL: So what do you say we peel our bananas tonight huh? (coins come out of his pocket) Ugh, that stupid Don Bruice. I still own that shark money. I will make sure he gets 25 peels on his fin.

DON BRUICE: (threatening) I heard that, monkey.

ADAM DIAGONAL: Oh, hey. Late to the party? We're cool, i bought for you 19 Harry Potter books that i shoved down my ass.

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INT. HOTEL PIZZA COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

CHEESEBURGER: How's the comedy club gonna profitable now?!

CHEESY: (proud) Easy. We turn it into the crying club to release stress and dissapointment.

(Cheesy cries loudly.)

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I/E. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

STATIC STAN: That's it! The comedy club. I can finally be relevant to the audience again. (evil stare) The Show Must Go On...

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EXT. HOTEL PIZZA COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

CHEESY: (defeated) I don't believe it. I planned a comedy stage, I made a comedy stage, I funded a comedy the stage, I built a comedy stage. Only for it to not earn any audience at the end of the day!

CHEESEBURGER: (chuckles sarcastically) What's next? I ate a comedy club?

CHEESY: The thing is...it's just another one of my own failures. I had one job, make people laugh...and then i fail at comedy.

(Cheesy starts sobbing.)

CHEESEBURGER: Hey, don't beat yourself for it. The thing is...you have to make it relevant. And you have to lie in your own niche. The more you advertise, the more you let people come, and the more you focus on your weird humor people will come to your show. And that's how comedians are built.

CHEESY: (stops sobbing) But what if i'm meant to not be a comedian?

CHEESEBURGER: Well...let it earn money first, after you run out of jokes..stop the dead horse when it starts printing so much money.

CHEESY: But i'm a dead horse, myself.

(Silence. Beat. One audience member claps.)

CHEESEBURGER: Well, you got yourself one member. But remember my advice.

CHEESY: (stands up with pride) Now's not the time, bro. I'm the center of attention, and here we go! I can't wait to make jokes to stay relevant.

CHEESEBURGER: We tried being relevant. That didn't work..

STATIC STAN: (from far) You can say that again!

(Cheesy and Cheeseburger turn around.)

STATIC STAN: The show must go on! And you are continuing it perfectly.

(Silence.)

CHEESEBURGER: (whispers to stan) Let's have a talk.

STATIC STAN: (loudly) Oh, yes!

CHEESEBURGER: (to cheesy) So Cheesy, I'm leaving the show to you. Go ahead, put a smile. And Corn Flakes Boy and Fireslayer will clean up the mess.

FIRESLAYER: (wakes up) What the- Who said something about a dead horse?

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY: I'm hungry.

FIRESLAYER: (serious) I love dead horses.

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INT. HOTEL PIZZA COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

(Cheesy sees 4 audience members have paid $50.)

CHEESY: Ooh, money. Time to break a leg.

(He stands and accidentally breaks his legs.)

Ow...my legs.

(The audience laughs. 8 more audience members enter.)

CHEESY: Ooh. (remembers) Well i guess my niche is slapstick. I should do extreme damage to gain laughter.

(Cheesy performs increasingly dangerous slapstick antics. The audience laughs and more people come in, throwing money.)

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INT. HOTEL PIZZA COMEDY CLUB BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

STATIC STAN: (tied to a chair) Cheeseburger!! What is the meaning of this?! You tied me and left with no explanation! I demand an explanation now before i zap you out of the Staticverse!

(Cheeseburger rushes in.)

CHEESEBURGER: (confused) The..what now?

STATIC STAN: (sighs) It's stupid, but...you asked for it. The Staticverse is my huge brain where there is lots of multimedia things. Like for example, it has the orbs to power my energy and control entertainment. Powered by ratings, It's a huge static place.

And...it's highly dangerous.You must not go there, unless you have your static ID.

CHEESEBURGER: (thinking) Static ID...the Staticverse...entertainment. Wait a minute. (he realizes) Why are you so obsessed with entertainment? What happened?

STATIC STAN: (chuckles nervously) I'm not telling you that.

CHEESEBURGER: Hmm..I know under your aspect ratio, you're hiding some of the jazz, the backstory, the troubled beginnings..Say, care to explain?

STATIC STAN: (turning around) Well i think our meeting's done for the day. I'm leaving. (in a sad tone) Thanks for hearing some lore.

(He walks away. Cheeseburger sees a VHS tape called ''We Stan''.)

CHEESEBURGER: We...Stan?

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INT. HOTEL PIZZA COMEDY CLUB - EXT.

FIRESLAYER: Ah, Life is amazing. We were hired as general workers, weren't we?

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY: (nodding fast) Indeed. I forgot to carry a box of cereal though. Oh, it's in my eye!

(He grabs his eye and throws it in the trash.)

EYE: I see...I see...I see flies. And my cereal.

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY: Great job, eye! Now come back to me!

EYE: We divorced, hon.

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY: (confused) What's a divorce?

(He grabs his eye and sticks it to his face.)

Say,Fireslayer. Wanna hear some stress-relieving tunes?

FIRESLAYER: (extending his thumbs) Oh, you know it!

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY: (plays accordion and sings) I was once a guy, telling people to buy...my 5-inch cereal...and I don't know why...It dispersed...It scattered, It flew away...But just know I am...dumb...(stops accordion)

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INT. HOTEL PIZZA COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

(800 audience members watch Cheesy, who is severely injured and in a wheelchair.)

CHEESY: (muffled) And then, that's when i hit myself with a bicycle on the face. Pretty hurtful right? Well I'm a god, and you can't understand what i'm saying because ''Flee-poo-tee-tee-pallo'' Ow my teeth.

(The audience laughs and applauds.)

CHEESY: (muffled) And that's why I love comedy. You can hurt yourself how many times you wa-

(A big clock named Mr. Tick-a-clock crashes onto the stage and grabs Cheesy.)

MR. TICK-A-CLOCK: (laughs bitterly) Well you got words, pizza slice. Now tell me...where's that liar Static Stan.

CHEESY: (muffled) S-S-S-Stan? I don't know him...

MR. TICK-A-CLOCK: (shouting) He's hiding in the stage, you fool!

(He strangles Cheesy. A fight ensues. Cheesy uses his cheesegun. Tick-a-clock uses time powers. The fight causes an explosion that sends Cheeseburger and Static Stan flying out.)

MR. TICK-A-CLOCK: (shouting) Stan you...liar!

(He freezes time and tries to slice Stan, but Stan zaps him. The audience runs away.)

CHEESY: (panicked) No, wait. Come back, there is still more in store!

(Fireslayer and Corn Flakes Boy approach.)

FIRESLAYER: What was going on here?! Spider Man?

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY: This episode is Convoluted.

CHEESY: (sad) M-m-my show. All the audience, all the applause...and i managed to remove this bandage..

CHEESEBURGER: Dude, what happened to you? You are severely injured....Wait.. Where you beating the dead horse again when it started spitting money?

CHEESY: (flat) No.

CHEESEBURGER: (raises eyebrow) Are you sure 'bout that?

CHEESY: Alright, fine. I did. But the applause, we earned about $3450!

CHEESEBURGER: Wow, that's a lot. My advice actually worked.

STATIC STAN: (sighs) Guys, I must apologize about Tick-a-clock. Sorry, he went hay-wire eh?

CHEESEBURGER: Stan...Don't apologize. Now tell me...What is 'We Stan'?

STATIC STAN: Oh, about that. Let's leave the lore for a cliffhanger. There's always next season.

CHEESY: They said that in Sonic Boom, and Season 3 never came.

STATIC STAN: Alright, fine! We Stan was a children's show in the 90s. You know... CBC Saturday morning blocks. It broadcasted my show and man, it was a ratings success and all the kids loved me. I was the star of the 90s! But then..those stupid network executives crushed my dreams. I was cancelled and 'off the air' so I left and hid in the basement for like 23 years. I came out and i wanted a second chance with Tick...but i blew it away. And now i'm left with nothing but myself.

(Silence.)

CHEESEBURGER: (softly) Hey, you don't need to follow richness or the same old formula to succeed. Try something new, Let go of the past. Let go of the staticverse...

STATIC STAN: (hesitates) Um...That's like erasing my memories.

CHEESY: Erase your memories, mozarella dear! Letting go of the past is the key to having a new one. But they did well to cancel it because they would have milked it to death.

STATIC STAN: (smiling weakly) Yeah, you're right. But creativity and business are two different things..unless you blend them. Anyways, I'm going back in the Static-verse. See ya.

EVERYONE: Bye.

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY: Get me the new pink Corn Flakes. Oh, right. For women..Who are women?

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INT. HOTEL PIZZA - NIGHT

CHEESEBURGER: So...Tough day?

CHEESY: Tough day. But i'm glad we made a profit and not a loss.

CHEESEBURGER: Same, thanks to my advice.

CHEESY: (scoffs) I'm the one who did the jokes remember?

CHEESEBURGER: Well, I'm the one who told you to be in your 'niche'.

CHEESY: But i win. But thanks though. Time to go back at Hotel Pizza.

Wait..where is our pizza van?

(A horn is heard outside.)