Clay was Chaos. Unrelenting and unapologetic about it.

After the funeral for Clay’s grandfather, Clay began his new duties, proving to everyone he would be the great King I knew he could be. But the more time I spent with him, I realized he was equally a great pain in my ass. 

With great power came great responsibility. And Clay found it his responsibility to make my job harder.

“Clay I can’t condone this. I think I am drawing my line here.”

“Wren. While I always respect your opinion; I don’t think you have a choice here, your already an accomplice.” Clay flashed me one of his signature smiles, but it didn’t make me feel better. “The ambassador from Stoughlin Court has always picked on me. And now that I’m King, I don’t want him suddenly kissing my ass.” Clay was currently going through the guest room of said ambassador. Hands buried deep inside his victim's suitcase. “I just want to find that guy’s shampoo and add a little harmless hair dye.”

“This is not the behavior of a King, you could seriously make an enemy from this. We do not need the Stoughlin court after us. They are one of our most powerful allies from across the ocean. And on that note, I don’t really want them after me.”

Clay made a sound of happiness as he found his prize. He stood up from the bag and went over to the dresser for some space to work. “Wren. Please. This guy deserves it. He cares so much about his damn hair. This is the perfect way to get back at him after so many years of hearing him complain about how much he hates me. I remember this one time he came to visit grandfather, and he literally cornered me in a room and told me I was too ugly to be King. So now if you’ll kindly keep watching the door, I’m almost done.” He made a shooing motion for me to return to the door. I shook my head and looked back down the hallway. After a few moments he walked out the door with a whistle, stashing a bottle into his pocket.

“I cannot believe you.”

-

“Wilder I cannot stand him. That ambassador blamed me for his hair turning green. And Clay let him. After I told him explicitly not too. Everyone is letting him get away with his shit and then they turn around and blame me. Wilder what do I do?” I tossed my sword onto my bed as I began to dress for bed.

Wilder chuckled and looked up from his book to me. He was lying in his bed, propped neatly up against the headboard. He was the epitome of not having a care in the world, completely relaxed. “It sounds like you are having quite the time with the King. He trusts you a lot. I think it’s sweet.”

“It’s not sweet when I have a man screaming in my face saying he wants the King to lock me up for my crimes against him.”

"Oh, come on. You know Clay is still fairly young right? He’s had this destiny thrown upon him before he felt ready. He’s dealing with all this in his own way. You and I both know Clay likes to deal with his problems with humor. And it really isn’t hurting anything. You shouldn’t be so tough on him.”

“Not hurting anything yet. This last prank crossed a line. Next time, you deal with the angry diplomat.”

-

Music thrummed through the room, laughter rising with it, immersing the ballroom with lively energy. Guests drew in from every corner of the world. Tonight’s festivities were being held in honor of the late King Aldous but also served as Clay’s coronation. Food and drink flowed freely. The night, so far, had gone without a hitch. 

But somehow the one person I thought would have been at the center of all this attention, was nowhere to be found. I had only briefly caught sight of Clay as he concluded his speech, commemorating his grandfather for his successful reign. I stopped a butler as he catered some drinks past me.

“Have you seen the King? I lost track of him after the opening ceremony.”

The butler merely shook his head. “Sorry, I have not seen sir Dashkov.” He then continued past me, offering drinks to guests as he passed by, merging into the crowd.

I spotted Wilder on the edge of the room with Odeya. Wilder wore a very nice black tux with a shiny red tie. Odeya wore a matching red dress that had a slit exposing one of her legs. They both sported the same braid. She looked at me over her glass. A sly smile on her face. Wilder noticed her attention had shifted from him and turned to look at me as I approached. “Let me guess. Looking for Clay?” Odeya teased.

"Yes, I lost track of him. Have either of you seen him?”

Wilder shook his head. “Odeya and I were just discussing the same thing. We haven’t seen him.”

“Good luck finding him champ.” Odeya finished off her glass with grace. Wilder only shook his head before taking it from her. He set a hand on my shoulder as he passed me to give me a look before walking over to the nearest butler to get Odeya a new drink.

I hadn’t had much hope when I asked but somehow, I was still upset that neither of them had seen him. 

Then I finally caught sight of him. He was standing against the wall in the hallway near one of the doors that lead outside to the southern garden and pastures. He wore a silver suit with a black undershirt and a soft blue tie. His hair was styled back from his face, and he wore the royal crown. His head bent over a glass that he twirled absentmindedly. His expression seemed lost. I was almost too nervous to call out to him. “Clay?” He hesitated but looked up at me.

“Oh Wren. Did you need something?” He pushed off the wall as I approached. When I got closer, he kept his eyes downcast, but I could still see the soft, swollen, red ring around his eyes. He had been crying. 

“You disappeared. I was worried about you. It’s unlike you to miss out on a party.” His lips turned upward ever so slightly at that. His shoulders seemed hunched inwards; it was strange to see him waver like this. I felt like I could read him like an open book at this point. Grief didn’t suit him; it made me uneasy. I wanted to see him smile again.

“I guess this one just isn't my scene.” With his free hand not holding his glass he brushed a hand over his face to gain some composure. “Sorry to worry you. I needed some space. I would have loved to get some air, but I swear every crevice of this castle is filled with people tonight. I mean I know everyone loves me, but damn. A guy needs a break; I couldn’t even make it to the door.”

He was deflecting and trying to hide his feelings with humor. “If you need to get away from here then why don’t we just do that? I can accompany you outside, get you some fresh air.” He looked up at me, his gaze softened, his lips curving up into a small smile again, but I blinked, and it disappeared just like that. He turned away again, brushing a loose strand of hair out of his face. He needed reassurance that I was there for him. “No one will miss us. Promise.” I reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the door.

We navigated through a small crowd of people at the door but exited the building swiftly from the southern door, bathing us instantly in the moonlight and fresh chill of the night air. Clustered by the door were some more tipsy guests who weren’t willing to stray too far from the warmth of the party that barely noticed Clay and I. 

We passed a white mare and her yearling, the little thing prancing through the glades, unaware of anything but the moonlight and its own hooves. Clay didn’t look up as pastures faded into flowers. Soon we were alone. The landscapers had done a brilliant job getting everything cleaned up for today, but I wanted the privacy of the garden. The soft sound of the fountain and light smell of flowers was calming. 

It was easily the most private and whimsical place on the castle grounds as the rest of it was taken over by the knights for their training. It was a special little nook, a perfect escape for a weary King.

I felt resistance from Clay’s hand as he stopped. I turned to face him. His face was tilted up toward the moon. His lashes cascaded over his eyes as he fully absorbed the glow. He looked like an absolutely beautiful wreck. Fresh tears fell from his eyes as a bittersweet smile graced his lips. My breath caught in my throat. “Gods Wren. I felt like I was suffocating tonight.”

My chest gave in to the swarm of emotions building in my chest. “Do you want to talk about it?” I let go of his hand and took his wine glass that he had ended up bringing with him so he could wipe away his tears. He pulled a crumpled tissue from his pocket, making my chest twist. He must have been crying before I found him.

He dabbed his eyes with a shaking hand. “I’ve had so many people coming up and congratulating me on taking the crown. Question after question. But it’s like a slap in the face every time. He’s really just gone. I am surrounded by people, but I have also never felt so alone before.”

I felt like I was crumbling with him. How did he not see it? “Clay. I was serious that night when I told you that Wilder and I would always be there for you. Same with I know Ezra is here for you. You are never alone.”

Clay covered his face with his hands, and I could sense there was another wave of tears coming. He dragged his hands down his cheeks then crossed his arms across his body. “I have woken up so many mornings and expected him to be in the kitchen waiting for me for our coffee. I still look for his approval for the work I’m doing. I dream of the afternoons when he would sit with me, and we would just talk about his life. I loved listening to him talk. And now I don’t have any of it. Wren, I am so glad that I have friends who have been there to fill my new silence. But he was family. He was the only person I had ever truly connected with. And I miss him so much that I can’t stand it.” 

His voice cracked, filled with an overwhelming grief. “I have found it so hard to look forward to tonight when I would have loved nothing more than for him to be here. I miss him so much I can’t stand it.” 

His words burned into my soul. It was like hearing Wilder echo through. Grief in a different voice, but the same raw beneath it all. I had seen the signs, in the edges of his voice. His tricks and smiles were all distraction. His armor, and I let him convince me things had changed.

But they hadn’t.

“Clay I am so sorry. I should have paid closer attention to you. I told you I was here for you and then neglected to watch over you.” He shook his head, opening his mouth to disagree but I beat him to it. “Clay, I understand how you are feeling. You can lean on me for support whenever you need it, I will be there for you. It hurts to see you like this, more than any words can describe.” I pulled him into a tight embrace. “I understand loss, and how it never truly heals. Let me help you.”

He wrapped his arms around me and held me just as tightly. Crushing his face into my shoulder, like he couldn’t get close enough. And we held that. I wouldn’t pull away. Not until he felt he was ready. “I feel like I lost a large piece of myself, and the rest just keeps getting scattered. But you keep showing up to tell me it will be okay.”

“Anytime you need it, I will be there to do it again and again.” I felt him let out a soft chuckle in response. 

“You are beginning to spoil me too much.” He took a step back from the embrace and finished wiping away his tears. Taking a deep breath. He folded his hands behind his back, looking towards the fountain. His lip trembled, raw wounds laid bare beneath the weight of a smile. He was like a delicate bird, I was afraid to touch him, for the fear I would make things worse. But my heart was intoxicated by his softness. “Do you think we should head back?”

“If you feel like you can. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. We can stay here.”

He shook his head. “No. I want to go back. I think I need to get through this. I shouldn’t hide from it anymore. Tonight’s supposed to be a celebration after all. Let’s revel in the festivities.” 

“Then let’s go back.” His cheeks were rosy, and he had his glow back. He had bloomed from his sorrows, and I had hope that this time, he was truly going to look forward to what his future had in store for him.

We walked back towards the door, but he paused before opening the door, turning to look up at me. His blue eyes had a certain twinkle in them. “I think fresh air is exactly what I needed. Thank you. For everything.” He pulled the door open, and the sweet warm air surrounded us. The music had picked up its pace and there was a sizable crowd in the center, dancing with dazzling smiles. Clay linked his arm with mine and I looked at him surprised. “We should join in!” He didn’t wait for any objections before pulling me along, my legs barely standing a chance as they followed him.

We broke through the barrier of people clapping along to the music. He pulled us right into the center and I felt anxiety flutter into my chest. Clay spun around, grabbed my left hand, interlocking our fingers and placing his right hand on shoulder. 

Just looking at him brought me into the little world that I felt like we shared. My fingers rested gently across the back of his hand. “I should warn you; I don’t dance well.” My other hand brushed his waist.

“I’ll keep it easy on you.” He stepped inward and our chests touched. “Just humor me. We can dance at our own pace until you get the movements right; we don’t have to be like everyone else. Pretend we’re alone. Just keep your eyes on me.”

He moved like the music was meant for him. Guiding us through a couple of steps, and I had to fumble after him. I tried not to look down at our feet, keeping my gaze on his face. I almost stepped on his foot, and he had a sly smile as he looked up at me through his lashes. “Be gentle with me. Don’t rush it.”

The statement caught me off guard, heat flushing my cheeks. “I promise I’ll be careful with you.” We didn’t dance along to the beat of the music at first, just us trying to find the right steps together. Once we found our rhythm, we began to catch up with the climax of the music around us.

Everything else fell away. 

I felt gravity bend to him. A pull force so fierce, that it didn’t feel like falling, it felt more like a controlled burn. He was becoming the fervor under my skin. The sin I succumbed to.

“The end is coming up, are you ready?” I wasn’t. This felt like living, and for the first time it was something just for me. Was it so wrong to want him?

“I think so.” He grinned, tilting his head like he could see right through me. Like my truth was written in my skin. That I never wanted this moment to end. That this had to be what it meant to be seen and loved for who I was. I wanted to hold this feeling until my fingers bled.

The crowd was clapping along with the final beats of the song. As the last note cut sharply through the air, I knew what Clay wanted.

We let go of each other’s hands and in one swift movement I dipped him. 

He looked up at me, breath caught in his chest, hands clasped behind my neck. Eyes wide like a full moon. I could have reveled in that glow forever.