TW:homophobia

He went from maybe blacking out/wasted or passing out once a month in the summer to every other weekend, to then every weekend. He even started to drink more in the week to the point he would be brought home wasted with someone driving his truck. When I would be in town I would usually call him and go for him when it would get late. I would  drive him back home. But when I wasn’t there It would be when he would pass out places or his new “friends” place. He wasn’t just hanging out with the people I knew like Derek and the other friends. That’s another reason we started fighting was because of his new friend group he has been hanging out with that are just losers.

I would worry more when I would be traveling for work for brand deals that I didn’t even enjoy it half the time. It didn’t matter that I was seeing creative people and their clothing when I had him on the back on my mind. He would text me and call me but our calls would have so much dead silence. Half the time it would be because he was about to go out. Because I had become more of a public figure and Mathew was still with all his mess still popular in the sports world. His football coverage wasn’t the same as his basketball career but they talked about him because he was such a big player in the basketball world. Conversations about if he could go pro.

I started hearing rumors and getting messages that “Mathew is cheating on you.” , “I saw him talking to girls.” With pictures of him talking to girls at parties but that’s it, “he cheats on you every time he goes out.” I talked to him about it. I told him if he didn’t want to be with me anymore he could just tell me and it would be over. He doesn’t have to explain himself. He obviously was blind sided so I brought up the texts I would get.

“You don’t think I get the same type of texts?” Mathew asked me.

“I didn’t say I believe them. I’m just telling you. If you don’t want to it’s fine.” I told him. He was shirtless and just finished showering because he was going out with his friends like always. He set down his protein shake. He just came home from practice.

“Well I don’t want to, so don't put words in my mouth.” He leans on the counter looking over at me. “Do you still want to be with me?” He asked in a serious tone. He looked a bit nervous waiting for my response.

“Of course.” I responded.

“Than we’re on the same page.” He chugs the rest of his shake. We still haven’t broken eye contact.

“I just don’t like how you always go out and end up in certain situations where I don’t know where you are and you don’t answer my texts or calls. I have to wait till the next morning to know you’re okay.”

“Okay I won’t do that. You could have just said that.” I could tell he was getting annoyed.

“I have. You just do it when I’m not here because you think I won’t find out.” I grab the chair and sit at the counter.

“Who told you?” He stared at me. His phone started getting text. I saw that they had texted him that they were heading out.

“Why does it matter. Aren’t you going to be late?” I know I shouldn’t be pushing his buttons but I couldn’t help it. I should have just told him what I really wanted to say.

“No, I'm not going anymore.” He set his cup in the sink and went to sit on the couch.

He stayed in that night but he might as well have gone out. We didn’t talk the rest of the night.

***

After one of his home games I decided to go out with him. I think it was also partly because I was paranoid about what if it’s true that he is talking to other people. I could catch something. Maybe if people saw me with him it would stop someone from trying to get with him. I know that doesn’t matter. People will do what they want but maybe it could. I saw all the thirst comments and posts about him online. I started thinking it’s most likely it would be a girl because there are just more than there is gay guys or fems. I knew he probably wouldn’t be attracted to dl or closeted guys because of his type.

This party was like any other we would go too. He still made me stay by his side. If I went to the bathroom he came with me and waited outside the door. I didn’t mind because I didn’t know anyone here. If I wanted a drink he would get me one. If he ever did let go of my hand it wasn’t long. It wasn’t like he didn’t want me talking to other guys either. He just didn’t want me out of his sight. He would look for me when he would talk to other people making sure I was by him and reach for my hand. We were standing by a table watching people play beer pong. Mathew was talking to his friends and I was standing next to him. The row of people started walking so I moved back to make room for them. I moved back more so they wouldn’t be so packed and I bumped a guy. I apologized and he didn’t seem to mind until he saw my face.

“Why is this weirdo here?” I was shocked because he had just been cool with my apology before fully turning around. “What the fuck are you wearing?” His friends all laughed. I wasn’t even wearing anything crazy. It was literally a box tee crop top that only looks like a crop top when you raise your hands and jeans. Most basic ass outfit to wear to a frat party.

“What the fuck? I literally said sorry you ugly dog faced loser.” I started turning around and he pushed me so hard I tripped and fell back. I caught myself so it didn’t hurt. I saw them laughing  and pointing at me. I set my knee up to get up. I saw Mathew see me on the floor and followed his eye line to them.

I don’t know if he heard maybe towards the end. I wasn’t looking his way and it happened really fast. He went face to face with him and I stood up. “Who pushed him?” Mathew asked. Calmly staring at the guy who pushed me down.

“Why do you care?” The guy face Mathew back. He was almost Mathew’s height but not anywhere near his size. The alcohol or his friends must have given him courage.

“He’s the gay guy on the football team.” One of the guys said.

“Is he your little boyfriend? If you wanna do that gay shit keep it away from me. Take your fa-“ Mathew punched the guy straight in his face knocking him back. His friends start swinging and one punched Mathew in his jaw and he starts fighting them all. He’s getting jumped. I go and swing punching one of the guys in the face while he was distracted hitting him over and over again trying to get him off Mathew. I punch him hard enough that he starts grabbing his face and backs off. There’s five guys fighting him plus the one he punched getting up. I get another one  off before he sees me. He decks another one hard. All I saw was blood coming from his nose or mouth. They start swinging on me too and Mathew takes me under him protecting me from the punches. He covers me with his body while he is getting punched. Mathew’s friends help us out and he is able to get me out and moves me out the way. He turns around and starts swinging before it’s split up. He grabs my hand and leads me out the house and his friends follow. Derek and other guys are all talking about what happened. We kept walking just in case the cops were called.

“Are you okay?” He holds my face gently looking at me making sure I’m okay.

“I’m okay. You’re bleeding.” I told him. Blood was dripping from his face and he had blood on his shirt.

“I’m fine, does anything hurt?”

“I’m okay, your lip is bleeding.” He starts licking his lip.

We talk for a little more before Derek drops us off at our apartment. They talked about who the guy was on teh ride home and it got out that it was one of the guys that would always post about “gays” in sports. But he got exposed that he wasn't good enough to get played so he “quit”. The one that recognized Mathew was one of the guys who made a whole video about how Mathew “lied” that he was straight so he would be accepted into the team. I see now why he never wanted me to leave his side.

We get to our place and I go get our first aid kit. “I’m fine does anything hurt?” He asked me. “We can go to the er.”

“I’m okay do you want to go? Won’t they ask questions?”

“I’m fine. We can just say it was a street fight and didn’t see who it was.” He sat down on the toilet cover having followed me to get the first aid kit. “Does anything  hurt?” He stared at me. His eyes moving around making sure.

“I don’t think I got hit but once. My head hurts a little but nothing crazy.” I rubbed my head where I was punched. “My knuckles hurt though.” I looked at them and he did too. “Good thing you taught me how to punch.” I chuckled. They were red and my right hand had a scratch. Nothing compared to his bruised cut up knuckles. “Let me clean you up.” I opened the box.

His shirt had a lot of blood so I made him take it off. “You’ve probably have more bruises tomorrow. You got hit so many times.” I cleaned my hands and started cleaning his wound on his lip. He flinched “Does it sting?”

“A little,” he was looking at me with watery eyes.

“Take some medicine so the swelling doesn’t get so bad.” He took some out the box ripped the packaging, opened the water and got up and put his mouth under the facet to drink water. I wanted to ask him if this has happened before but I didn’t want to push him away. Not right now.

“You take some too. Hopefully you don’t get a ball on your head. Your hands will hurt a few days.” He warned me. I laugh, it wasn’t funny but he’s giving me advise while I clean his wounds on how punching someone will make your hands feel.

He smiles, I haven’t seen him smile in a while. “I love you.” I told him while I held up his face in one hand and held a q-tip with Vaseline on the other after I put some on his cut. He started crying and hugged my stomach, holding me tight while he cried so hard my shirt started getting wet. It was a different kind of crying. I had never seen him cry like this before.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” He kept saying while he held me. I combed his hair with my hand. “I’m so sorry…”

“It’s okay. Mathew I’m okay. It’s okay.” When he finally stoped crying we went to bed. I cuddled with him till I fell asleep holding him close to me.

The next morning it had gone back to the way things were. He didn’t talk about him crying and I didn’t ask. We went out for breakfast but barely talked. He was making jokes and complementing me but I knew he wasn’t feeling great. I reached for his hand and held his fingers. The bruising is more visible now. He smiled and leaned in and gave me a kiss. Mathew did end up having a small bruise that faded in two days. They must have nicked him barely. His body was full of bruises from all the punches he got protecting me.

***

The week before Thanksgiving break I was getting ready for my flight when we had our biggest and worst fight ever.

“I don’t understand why you won’t just cancel the trip?” Mathew told me while I packed my last minute things in the bathroom. I keep leaving and going into other rooms. Living room to bed room to bathroom while he talks.

“We already talked about it when I told you I was going.” I zipped up my bag and walk away. “It’s a big opportunity, I don’t know if I’ll ever have one again.”

“And that’s more important than spending time with me.” Mathew tells me from the door way.

“Stop acting like that.” I go into our room but he stays by the bathroom.

“Well you are!” He shouts.

He comes into the bedroom as I grab the charger and walk to the living room. “I don’t get why you don’t see why I don’t want you to go?” I pass him while he stands next to the bed. “You know I barely get time off! Alexis! By the time you get back, the week I get for break will be gone!”

“I don’t like when you yell at me.” I put the charger in my backpack and set it by the suitcase towards the kitchen. I stare at him in the hallway. He has done it a few times when he’s super drunk.

“I wasn’t yelling at you. You were in another room.”

“You know I don’t like it.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just talking loud okay?”

“Mathew you know at the end you were yelling. You didn’t shout you yelled.”

“Fine but you’re pissing me off.” He walks into the middle of the living room.

“I’ll be back two days before you have to come back anyway. I’ll still see you.” I tell him as I put the backpack on the suit case.

“The one week I don't have to be here and you can’t just not go? You already want to stay back home for a extra week. It’s going to be almost a month of us being apart.”  He held up one finger.

“I don’t know why you’re bring it up now. I’ll be back for a day before that trip anyway. And you would see me again. For two days. And the only reason I said yes was because you said we should fly this time so you don’t have to drive in the snow.”

He sat down and put his hands on his head leaning back. “It’s the one time I’ve asked you to not go on a trip. One time,” I walked closer to him. He was talking quieter this time, “you could just not go and just spend the week with me.” He took his hands off his face.

“Why would it matter if I did? I would just be alone for a week while you are out drinking at bars and parties.” I crossed my arms and stood across from him in front of the coffee table.He didn’t say anything. He set his hands down. On his lap. “You said you would stop drinking and partying so much but you haven’t. It’s gotten worse. It’s also not the first time we’ve had this conversation about that either. Then the coke.”

“I told you I only did it three times. All I do is smoke or drink.” He sat up leaning on his knees.

“Well you only told me because I confronted you.”

“Who told you?” Mathew asked sternly.

“Why does it matter?” He was starting to get upset. I can still read his face even if he doesn’t say anything. “I’m not dumb, I could tell. You think I wouldn’t notice you acting differently?” He started looking at his hands. “I don’t want to date an alcoholic.” I swallowed. I knew this was going to be the only time I would get to confront him about anything before he shuts down and leaves like he’s been doing recently.

“So you don’t want to date me anymore?” I could see he was biting his inner lip when he finished asking me.

“No, I said I don’t want to date an alcoholic. If that’s what is happening you know how I feel.” I pause before I countinue. “I doesn’t feel like you want to date me because you don’t talk to me anymore.”

“I talk to you everyday, what are you talking about?” Mathew rolled his eyes.

“Really? So you don’t keep things from me? Because I don’t keep anything from you. Anytime you ask me about anything I tell you. Unlike you.”

“Really? What do I keep from you?”

“Mathew please don’t act stupid. You’re going to tell me that, that time we got into a fight at that party, it was the first time?” I started counting on my fingers listing things off.

“No.” He replied. “Who told you? Mariana? Kayla? I know you don’t talk to anyone else.” I didn’t think he would be honest.

“You act like I can’t tell what type of bruises you come home with. Are people harassing you? Your teammates?” I asked him.

“No.” He replied shaking his head.

“You don’t tell me anything. How can I help if you never tell me.”