“There’s nothing to tell”

“What about your grades? They’ve also been going down. That’s also something that you don’t want to tell me?”

“It’s not like you cared to stay in school when I told you so I don’t know why you care about my grades.” Mathew replied getting annoyed. 

I smiled out of anger. “I was never almost failing. I also did it because we needed money and I was starting to make more money for us.” 

“What if it doesn’t work out? You could have stayed and still kept doing what you’re doing.”

“I can always go back at anytime. If it wasn’t because I dropped out we wouldn’t be able to pay for everything.” Mathew’s full ride changed this year. The money he got was less than last year. All his tuition is still covered but what he gets for housing and food was less.”

“That’s why I told you we should move out of here.” 

“Why? I like it here and what you want doesn’t make sense for us to do. I can cover the rent by myself.” I told him. 

“That’s the point I don’t want you to pay for my things. I should be doing that for you. I could get a part time job.” 

“When would you be able to work? Your schedule is already so full. Especially right now with basketball.”

“I’ll figure it out.” 

“How? How will you do it all?

“You don’t have to worry about it.” He sat back down on the couch.

“See you never talk to me!” I shouted. “Maybe you should go see a counselor or a therapist? If you don’t want to talk me, maybe you’ll talk to them.”

“You sound like my mom.” He scoffed.

“Well she has a point and she agrees.”

“You talked to her? About what?” He sat back up glaring at me. 

“You obviously- “

“Why the fuck are you talking to my mom about me?!” Mathew slapped the water bottle that was on the coffee table. I froze when he hit the water bottle and it flew across the room hitting the wall busting open. He stood up,“What do you tell her? About us too? What did you tell her? Our problems?” He was really pissed off now. He’s never looked at me that way. This was the way he looked back in high school when he fought that group of guys but the anger was at me this time. The same menacing look on him.

I back up, “you’re scaring me.” I knew he wasn’t going to hit me but it’s not a good feeling seeing someone twice your weight who could easily beat you if they wanted to scream like that. I wouldn’t be able to stop him. He noticed and breathed slowly and loosened up.

“I’m sorry,” he showed his hands and sat down. “I would never. Ever.” He took a nervous gulp. “I won’t get back up I promise. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have hit the bottle. I’ll never do that again. I promise.” I breathed nervously and didn’t say anything. “Alexis?”

“It’s not fine, I'm not okay. Maybe you should talk to a therapist.” 

“I don’t want to.” Mathew replied sternly. He had his hand in between his legs.

“Why? You might feel better.” He didn’t say anything for a few seconds. 

“Why did you talk to my mom?” His voice is calm but direct.

“Why wouldn’t I? I’m worried about you. You’re not the same guy I started dating two years ago.”

“Both of us aren’t.” He mumbled.

“Especially after that.” He looked down at his lap. I started crying. “I don’t know what to do. We’re both worried about you. You grades have dropped this semester, if they drop a lot you can lose your scholarship. You drink all the time, all you do is go out, go to parties, you don’t talk to me, I find out you lie to me about things…” I sniffle and clean my tears. He starts looking up. “If you’re to stressed why don’t you drop out of playing a sport? You have the college fund your parents left you to cover it. I’ll cover our living expenses I don’t care about having extra money or buying stupid clothes. I care about you.”

“I don’t want to touch it. I already told her.” Mathew told me. We both were more calm now. Maybe no matter the outcome this was for the best. We’re getting everything off our chest. “And I don’t want you paying for my stuff. That’s why I told you I could get a part time job.”

“Why? When would you have the time? You already use your spare time for studying.”

“I could work the weekends or something. I’ll figure it out.”

“It makes zero sense to me. You have a college fund your parents saved for you. Why not use it?” 

“Your parents were going to sell your car so you could have extra cash and pay for school and you told them not to but I can’t say no?” 

“That’s different, and I left it for my sisters. Your money is just sitting there.”

“I have plans for it. Why would I use it now if it’s all getting covered?" 

“Okay so If you do get a job than what? Your grades keep going down? You’ll need more money and lose the scholarship.” 

“I’m already fixing them. I already talked to my professors and coaches. Besides I have plans for that money.”

“For what if it could help you now.”

“When I graduate than what? When I’m in law school there’s no guarantee I’ll get any time of scholarship. I’ll have to take out a loan and that money will support us while I go to school.”

“But I'm literally working.”

“Don’t you get I don’t want you to work to support me. I should provide for you.”

“Mathew, you realize how you sound right now. This isn’t…” i rolled my eyes. He’s talking like it’s the 50s and gender norms. “We’re both guys, your mom even makes more than your dad sometimes. Why would you need to ‘provide’ for me.”

“That doesn’t matter, I don’t care if you’re a guy or girl. I want to be the person providing for you. I don’t want you spending your money on me. That’s for you. I should be taking care of you.” 

“I don’t agree.”

“Besides if we would move out of here it would be possible. I could use the money from the part time job and what i received. It would cover everything if we moved into Daniel’s house with them.”

“I already told you before that I didn’t want too. If I can pay for this place even if we don’t split rent than why would we move into a house of 3 other guys. I would be stuck in one room. And when they throw parties, then what?”

“But that way you could just pay groceries or other stuff. And you wouldn’t be stuck in a room.”

“You know I don’t like them. They're who you’re always out with. I wouldn’t be comfortable living with three different guys either.”

“I told you they don’t care about us dating.”

“I know. That’s not why I don’t like them. If I was a girl would you move in with me there? No and you know that. I don’t like how they talk about women. I don’t care if it’s just jokes their misogynistic.”

“Their not like that anymore. They stopped saying stuff like that when I called them out. You would know if you came around more.” He paused. “You think I would be friends with guys who would do something like that to a girl or anyone?”

“No, but I know if I was a girl you wouldn’t be asking me to move in with them. It’s only because their not attracted to me because I’m a guy. The reason I stopped going out with them was because they still made the same stupid jokes when I told them not to.”

“I dont hate your friends. Even though I know they talk shit about me.”

“It’s not talking shit when they tell me your out when you said your not. Or tell me the weirdos you’re with,”

“You think I’m not told when you go out? If they see you with other dudes?”

“When I go out? I literally tell you every time I do and who I’m with and their not weirdos.”

“None of my friends are weirdos.”

“They might not be but you go to frat parties that are homophobes or have lots of homophobes there.”

“I can’t control who goes to what parties.”

“I know you can’t,” I check my phone to see the time.

“In a rush to be surrounded by models?”

“Really? You really want to accuse me of cheating? I’ve never been haft naked in bed with two girls” two weeks ago Mathew didn’t come home and a picture went around of him passed out in his boxers next to two girls.

“I already told you nothing happened. I’m friends with them and helped them when they were throwing up. It got on my clothes so I took it off and washed it in the sink. I let it dry while I watched over them and fell asleep.”

“That’s what you tell me. But I don’t know if I can trust you.”

“When have I shown you can’t trust me?”

“And when have I shown you that you can’t trust me? You lied to me about fights, you’ve lied about going out. You lied about doing coke. We haven’t had sex in over a month and then I see that? What should I believe? The last time we even cuddled was two months ago after that fight at that party.” We stayed quite, getting interrupted by a text that my ride was here. 

 “So you leaving then? This relationship doesn’t matter to you?”

“Mathew, I can’t live in your shadow.”

“Dating me is living in my shadow?”

“No, but I feel like you want me to live the life you want.”

“What’s more important, me or your job?

“We can talk when I come back.” I put on my back pack and grab my suit case.

“If you leave I’m not going to be here when you come back.” Mathew told me as I walked to the door. “Alexis.” I close the door.

***

When I came back a week later he was gone. We didn’t talk the whole week. His stuff was also gone. All his clothes, his protein supplements, tooth brush. Mariana told me she heard he moved in with Daniel because the girl he’s talking to told her. I didn’t think he would do it.

 I ended up leaving on my next trip. He still never texted me. I would watch his story of him going out. I don’t know if he’s doing it on purpose but he posted way more with girls. I mean what’s the chances of the thousands of people that go to that school that he finds the one gay guy who fits his type and lets them post to his story with him. And It was at Daniel’s house. I don’t remember if it’s the room we were going to rent. So yes it made me mad and posted pictures on my story with random guys I was working with. I went out with more and posted them too.

He did take everything when I came back so I don’t know if we’re still together. I’m to prideful to text him first. Why doesn’t he text me if he was the one in the wrong? I also didn’t know if we should be together after the past year and that fight.

I went straight home from the trip so I didn’t see if he was still gone. My parents picked me up. Mathew’s mom had texted me on thanksgiving day. She told me she missed me and hoped to see me soon. She hoped I was well and Mathew told them I was working. So he didn’t tell them we broke up? So he must think we're together? Once back home my parents told me that Mathew had come over and spent a day with them. So we for sure are still together. I asked my parents to borrow the car so I could go over. I parked in the driveway and headed inside. I have a house key so I unlocked the front door. I knew they didn’t have company over but his parents might be there.

I ended up running into his mom and dad right away. They were supposed. I hugged and greeted them. We caught up before I asked if Mathew was here. They were shocked because he had left early.

“He got mad at us because we started asking about his grades and he decided he was leaving earlier than he said. He didn’t tell you?” Their faces got more worried now. They looked at each other.

“He must have forgot. I just landed so I wasn’t on my phone.” I didn’t want to tell them we had fought. I also didn’t want to tell them everything else because that’s also the reason we fought.

“Is everything okay? Is there something we should know? Should we be worried?”

I can’t lie. I don’t know what to do. I either betray them or him. “If you’re worried about his grades he’s already fixing them. We talked about it before I left. He promised he would get them up.” They relaxed a bit more.

“Is that it?” She asked.

“He was upset because I wouldn’t be with him this week but I’ll see him soon. I miss him.”

“Okay good I’m glad everything is good.” When we talked I told her about his grades, him skipping class, and his drinking. I didn’t say anything about the coke,the fights or our personal problems. “What about his drinking?”

“He hasn’t put you in danger right? He’s not driving drunk is he?” His dad asked.

“No no. I pick him up when he’s drunk. We talked about it too. I told him to maybe see a therapist like we talked about but I don’t know if he will.

“I’m glad he has you with him but if at any moment it’s to much or his drinking puts you in harms way you get out. Or kick him out, he’s old enough to know what is good and bad. And if you need help you call us for him or you.” His dad reassured me.

We talked some more before she asked if I wanted to sleep here since I had stayed a few hours and it was late. I refused but thanked her. It would feel weird. I know my sisters would like it because one of them took my old room.

 “Do you want to go to his room? Maybe he left you something, I haven’t gone in.”

I agreed and went up. I knew she knew I held back. But I do believe him when he said he only did coke three times. Maybe I’m just naive. I don’t want to tell her about the fights because it would only stress them out and I’ve kept those secrets for years since senior year. Mostly I didn’t want l to tell them our problems. I don't think it’s healthy and it’s weird like I think your son might be cheating on me? But I don’t know but he’s been seen half naked? I sat on his bed and laid down and smelled his pillow. It smelled like him. By his bed some things were on the floor. A 20 dollar bill and his fake id. It must have slipped. I took it with me so his mom wouldn’t find it.

I spent the rest of the week with my family and visited Mathew’s once before I left. While I was here I saw Marco really quickly and Nina. I didn’t tell him anything. He asked me about Mathew and I told him we’re good. I know they text a few times a week. Nina was the only one I told about our fight. Marco would have blown up on Mathew if I told him. He is too protective and I don’t know if I’m wrong. These are our close friends but I don’t think not telling them is bad. It’s not like I’m isolated, I have my friends there that know some stuff. I’m not codependent on Mathew. Troy wasn’t home this year but again he would have blown up on Mathew too if I told him anything. Maybe they would have talked to him about the drinking or grades but if I told them I think he might be cheating or our fight. They might want to fight him. I trusted Nina though she was like my other half. We tell each other everything. I don’t tell her Mathew’s personal secrets but I do tell her some of our relationship problems. I also don’t want her view of him changing so not everything. Like Mathew’s mom though she can read me.

She already knew about all the stuff other than our last fight and I him maybe cheating. I didn’t tell her about Mathew crying that one night. But I told her about our fight. She was obviously concerned about him but also didn’t like how he reacted to me talking to his mom. She did tell me I have to talk to him. I can’t keep not talking to him if we are going to keep dating. I want to do it in person though. Him visiting my family also made me want to talk to him.