When I got back to the apartment I was excited to talk to him. He was still gone. Do I swallow my pride and go see him? I didn’t. I called him so we could meet. He didn’t answer. He should have been off of practice. I started unpacking my bag. He texted me that he wasn’t ready to talk. That if I need anything to let him know. I thought about sending him a picture of his id to bait him to coming over but ended up not don’t it. I sent “okay.”

He read it right away. Than I texted him. 

         “I hope you are taking care of yourself. Please keep your promises. I love you.”

He hearted it but didn’t reply. 

***

He would text me everyday if I was okay and needed anything? I would give a short reply just “yes” or “yes I am.”I didn’t push it more. I didn’t want him to stop talking to me. And us not talk for a month again. 

I was dreading the holidays because I didn’t want to answer questions as to why Mathew isn’t coming over. I texted him before he went on break so we could be on the same page. 

                “Hey, I’m going to tell my parents that we’re spending the holidays with our own family this year so if you go home early you don’t go to my parents. I don’t want it being awkward for us with them around.”

I was maybe to harsh by telling him not to go over. I just don’t know how we would act normal around them. He replied. 

    “Okay, I’ll tell my parents the same. Love you.” 

I went home the 23rd so I wouldn’t need to be questioned so much. I told them Mathew just missed his family and wanted to spend as much time with them. They asked why he hadn’t come over. They were also weirded out by not even coming one day. Even though I explained his break is short and barely sees his family. I kept getting asked where he was on Christmas Eve by everyone where Mathew was. We had gone to my aunts house with all the family. Every person was asking where Mathew was back to back. If I hadn’t told them or overheard they would ask. I know it’s because they care or small talk and because since we started dating he’s always been here. We would spend Christmas Day with his family and Christmas Eve with mine. At midnight we started giving out our gifts. I gave mine right away and watched with the others. It was nice being with my cousins and family. 

“I thought you said Mathew wasn’t coming?” My cousin asked me. She looked behind us. My heart almost stoped when I saw him standing by my dad and uncles. I knew I had to but I couldn’t get up. My legs didn’t want to they felt weak. But I was the one who wanted to talk to him. 

I got up from the floor and made my way over ripped present wraps and people sitting around. When I got by them they were talking about college basketball. 

“Haha, yeah I’ll try.” Mathew told my uncle and cousins.

He looked so handsome. He was wearing a white polo and brown pants. He was smiling when I walked over. He looked and saw me. He side hugged me and brought me close to him before letting me go. I saw him taking drinks out of a beer bottle he had on his right hand on the opposite side of me. They talked a bit more before he was able to break away. 

“Come on you get him all year. We see him once a year.” They shouted. Mathew put his arm behind me as I walked to somewhere we could talk. I felt his hand lightly touch my back. I take him to an empty dark room that is their storage room where we wouldn’t be bothered. 

He sees me looking at the beer. The only light in the room is from the hallway. “It’s the first beer I’ve had all break. I promise.”  We were standing in front of each other in the light the hall.

“I thought we agreed we were going to be with our families?” I asked him. I could see half of his face lit up by the light as I looked up at him.

“I know I’ll leave right now. I just wanted to bring you a gift. I knew you would be here so, I though it would be better here than at your home with your parents. Maybe I fucked up.” He held out a gift in his hand free from the beer. 

I didn’t answer him. I opened it. It was inside a little box wrapped with a bow. I opened it and saw the light reflex off it. It was a mini stained glass picture of the both of us last Christmas. I’m sitting on his lap as I laugh while hugging him. He’s smiling looking up at me. Under it it said something in Spanish. “Para ti infinito” for you infinity. With a little infinity symbol. The glass had what looked like little starts surrounding us. 

I broke down and hugged him and started crying. I hugged his waist as tight as I could. I cried so hard I hurt my throat. I felt like breaking open a pipe. I couldn’t stop. He hugged me back and kissed the top of my head over and over again. He rubbed my back while I cried for I don’t know how long. I looked up at him. It was blurry. I couldn't tell if he was crying too or it was just my tears. He kissed me once before he said he had to go. 

“But”, my voice harsh from crying.

“We can’t do it here. Let’s talk when we’re both ready.” He kissed me one last time. He walked towards the light leaving me in the back. He set his beer on the dresser exiting the room. Cleaning his eyes on his way out. When he walked to the hall my mom came. 

“Las niñas dijeron que estabas qui.” She told him the girls told her he was here. 

“Si pero, umm I have to go.” He told her. He kissed her on the check and told her merry Christmas and they hugged. 

I fell to the ground crying holding the picture. She saw me and started freaking out.

“¿Qué pasa, porque lloras? Lo vas a ver en unos días. No tienes que llorar… lo ves mañana.” She rubbed my head. “No te preocupes. Es buen muchacho.” 

I left once I could compose myself. I couldn’t deal with the pain of having him and not having him. I didn’t want to explain to my parents that it wasn’t just that I missed him. I spent the rest of break after with Nina. We went to the city for new years. I texted Mathew the day after but it was still the same. He asked how I was. Said he loved me. That’s it. I asked if I could go over but he said he rather not have his parents hear us talk. I didn’t text him back the rest of break. He kept texting me asking how I was. 

I flew back a few days after new years. He still wasn’t there. I meet back up with Mariana she told me he was still staying at Daniel’s. She had talked with the girl Daniel was now dating. I’m not worried about him cheating. I just want to know if he’s blacking out when going out. It’s not hard for him to get another id if he needs it. 

I texted him back finally after not answering all his text.

               “I want to actually have a conversation with you. If we’re still going to date we can’t keep this going. If you want a break just let me know. If you want to break up that’s fine. But let me know. I love you.” 

     “I don’t want to talk while I haven’t figured my stuff out. If you want to take a break I understand. I love you, I'll always love you. In my eyes nothing has changed. You’re still my boyfriend. I just need some space.” 

               “I don’t understand why we can’t talk it out? Or just move back in, I’ll leave if it makes you feel better. I don’t know why you need space because you still won’t tell me. Why do you need space? Are you getting help?” 

“I am.” 

I felt better. That was the last text he sent me for a week. I again heard from Mariana she saw him out. I went out with her and Kayla one day. Kayla was talking about how Matthew asked Eric   to buy alcohol because he lost his fake id. We ran into Eric and Derek that night. I know they know we’re on a break. Gossip travels fast and people were already saying we had broken up since he moved in with the guys. I could tell they were keeping an eye on who I talked too. Not like any of the guys here wouldn’t openly try to hit on me. And the ones who would aren’t going to be in this bar most likely. 

We hanged out with them before leaving them to go somewhere else. We ended up hanging out at my place. They asked about him but I didn’t say much. Just that we were on a break. They stayed the night and we made drinks and watched a movie. 

I week later I came back from a job. I unlocked the door and saw the light was on and took a second trying to remember if I left it on or someone had broken in. I open the door, walk in and see Mathew on the couch. 

“You scared me,” I sighed, “I thought someone had broken in.” I set my bag down and moved in my suit case. I took out my wallet, “you left your fake id at your parents house. I picked it up so your mom wouldn’t see it.” I took it out and while I walked over to him. 

“I’m not here for the Id.I'm not drinking lately.” But I know he asked Eric for beer. I better not interrogate him now. 

“Than why are you here?” I asked curious if he was going to say next.

“I live here.” He said. 

I didn’t say anything “if it’s okay with you.” My eyes got watery. He stood up and hugged me. “Its me, babe don’t cry. We can talk later if you want or now. I don’t want you to cry because of me anymore.” He lifts my face up to him. 

We sat down to talk. He threw my legs over his while he explained how he’s been feeling. He first brought up how he ended up going to the school counselor. They recommended a therapist he’s been seeing since late December before break. He explained his insecurities he’s working through with them. He told me how we wasn’t feeling good lately and just used drinking to numb it. He didn’t want to worry me because I was carrying a lot on my own. He also said he felt like a failure because I was working so much compared to him. I just let him talk all the way till he was done before I said anything. He explained how he also felt like a failure in general. How he didn’t feel like he did a good enough job protecting me and making me happy. 

“But Mathew, you are playing two sports and school full time. I went part time. It’s not like I was better.”

“I know it’s just I don’t want to have you stress about money. I want to give you everything you need. Everything you want. I want to be able to provide it for you.” It’s no secret that Mathew’s family is way better off than mine. He’s not extremely wealthy but we come from different lives. My parents work factory jobs and his are a lawyer and work in tech. My parents didn’t even know college funds were a thing. They immigrated here from nothing. We aren’t poor but Mathew would be fine even if he didn’t go to college and ended up working for his parents and some type of way. 

“I don’t expect you too.” 

“I want to.” He turned and looked me in my eyes. 

“Why weren’t you happy? Is it us?”

“No, I just don't know. I felt numb sometimes like I was a machine.”

“Okay. I just mentioned it because let’s be honest we dated in highschool and were almost 21. We aren’t the same. Most people don’t last if they dated in high school either. Maybe you … I don’t know felt locked into a relationship because I came down with you.”

“I’m never breaking up with you. You know that right? If this relationship is ending it’s because you want to. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” 

 I leaned in and kissed him. “I love you.”

He mentioned how he was keeping things from me but he never cheated. He promised. He said those girls were his friends and he could talk to them if I wanted to. And those post after our fight were just to make me mad. I also apologized because I posted them to make him mad too.

“I also did it I’m sorry.” I told him. 

He explained how he was keeping things from me and then those became more and more things because he couldn't tell me one thing without telling me everything. He admitted that he did get hate for dating a guy. I mean they call him gay even though he’s bi but it’s not like that matters. He mentioned how it didn’t bother him and no one really did anything to hurt him it was just words or hazing. He just didn’t want it to end up happening to me or me hearing about it. He said he got notes in his locker but that was the extent of it. Some guys made jokes but he checked them. We talked about him being nervous about me being in the public eye. How it might get bad if his basketball career gets more attention. 

“I just don’t want you getting hurt.” He told me. He played with my legs while he talked. “I know the sports field will eventually get the attention that you’re dating me and it’s different than the one you’re in. People are cruel.” 

“So you want me to not post anymore? I don’t need to anymore. I have enough experience to just do modeling now.” 

“No, I don't want that. I just don’t want you getting hate because of dumb ass people. I want you show you off.” 

We talked more in depth about his feelings before we went to sleep. We talked about his fights, our problems, his feelings and how he acted when we fought. We made sure to air everything out. I ended up going to one therapy session with him and I’ll probably go see one myself. I think I have some internalized homophobia. I notice that it’s not really a new place thing either that I don’t like Mathew doing pda. Sometimes I almost get nervous when he did back home in public. I guess I’ve been nervous about things happening too but just didn’t bring it up.