“You have acted like this around him haven’t you Mathew?” I don’t respond, what could I say? I look down so they don’t look at my eyes. “How long? How long have you been like this? Have you… put him in danger?”

That one hurt more than it made me mad. “What?” I knew what she meant. I didn’t think she would ever accuse me of ever doing that to anyone, especially him. “You think I would ever in my life lay a hand on him?”

“You better not hurt that boy Mathew. Do you hear me.” My eye moved from one to the other. “I taught you how to be a man. You should know better. I taught you how to treat the person you are with with respect.”

“I know that!” I motion at them with my hand.

“Your father has never acted like this in his entire life. When have you ever seen him passed out drunk? Maybe you should talk to a therapist about this since you don’t want our help.”

“You think I would hurt him because I’m drunk?” I’m so upset right now. First fighting with him, now my parents. “I don’t need to talk to anyone about what’s happening between me and him. Not with you two either.”

“Look how aggressive you are right now. I can see the signs, Mathew. I know how things like this go down. It starts with the little things till it’s to late.”

“Mom,… I,” my voice cracked. “I can’t believe any of you would ever think I would hit him.” I let go of the beer. “I’m leaving tomorrow.” I turn around to go to my room.

“But you said Alexis would get here Saturday?” 

I go up the stairs.

“Mathew, get back here.” My dad runs to the staircase. “Mathew Conners!”

“Let him go, he’ll only get more mad and shut down. Hopefully he calms down by tomorrow.”

I couldn’t sleep the whole night. I got a flight back the next day at noon. It was so expensive but I couldn’t stay with my parents and risk getting into another argument. I’m so mad that they would think I would do that to him. I don’t think I could face him here either. I know I shouldn’t have reacted that way it’s just this could have all been avoided if she didn’t talk to Alexis about me. I don’t even know if he would want to see me. Would he have even come over to talk? 

I packed my things in my duffel bag. I asked my dad if he would take my to the airport. If not I would order a taxi or something. When I came down they were in the kitchen. In the same spots they were last night. 

“Are you sure you want to go?” My mom asked.

“Yes, can you still take me to the airport.” My dad stands up and kisses my mom. He grabs the keys and turns on his car.

My mom walks over to me and hugs me. “I love you, I’ll see you soon.” 

My dad didn't talk the whole 2 hours to the airport. He didn’t play any music either. We're just in traffic in silence. I could tell he’s still upset with me. My parents are very similar in the sense that they are like mountains. You can’t move them at all on their ethics and values. Maybe that’s why I am so stubborn. My mom is more direct and will figure everything out where my dad lets you say it yourself. He doesn’t pressure you. He still would scare me growing up but it was like he already knew. He was just waiting for me to tell him that would kill me. 

We get to the drop off. He turns on his blinkers and puts the car in park. I felt like his stare was crushing me. “Give me a hug.” He turned to me and opened his arms.” I faced him and hugged him. Even though I’m slightly taller and way more muscular he's still strong. I felt his strong grip around me holding me tight. 

“Our conversation still isn’t finished. We’ll talk more during winter break.” He told me as he held me. He was basically talking into my ear. “I love you Mathew, you’re my only son. There’s nothing I could ever love more than you.” I started silently crying. “You’ll always be my baby boy. Okay,” he kisses me on my check letting me go. “Go so you don’t miss your flight.” He ruffles my hair but I think he noticed the tears. He rubs and pats my back. 

“I love you too dad.” I clear my throat. He opens the trunk for me to get my stuff. “I’ll see you guys soon.”  

***

I’ve been back for a week now. Alexis should be getting here soon. I want to go see him. But It won’t fix anything if I just go see him because I miss him. I realize I don’t feel good. Not just because we’re fighting right now but just in general. I really don’t like anything I’m doing right now. I’ve gone out drinking but I only think about him. I think about our fight, my fight with my parents. I wonder what he's doing, who he’s with, is he safe? Does he miss me? Does he still love me? 

I have a missed call, my phone must have been on silent. He texted me too. What do I even say? I haven’t kept my promise to not drink. I think seeing him would only hurt him more right now so I just heart it. I kept in touch to know if he was okay after that but I don’t know how a real conversation would look. Where would we even start? He would only reply with a word or two.

I decided maybe they were right so I asked the school counselor for help finding a therapist. I was able to find one in a week. Thankfully they took my insurance even though I will pay more because I’m out of state. It was a little awkward the first day. He was an older man so I didn’t know if he would be what I’m looking for. He’s older than my parents, grey hair and needs glasses to read. I just straight up told him I’m mainly here because of relationship problems with my boyfriend. He expressed how we both need to be comfortable so better to know his personal values if he will share them. He did and we clicked. I talked a bit about everything that was bothering me before my hour was over. 

I was hanging out with my friends when we passed a small shop. I peaked in there and it looked like they made glass art pieces. I remembered the name so I could look it up later. Eric, Kayla, Mikey and I went out to eat and were walking around now. It’s a bit awkward at times because I haven’t been hanging out with them since my fight with Alexis other than Eric.

“Have you been hanging out with Alexis?” I asked Kayla.

“Not since last month.” She told me. I don’t know if she was lying or not. “I want to hangout before break but I don’t know if I will.” 

We went back to their place to end the night. The day after I looked up the shop and went in to see if they could make me a gift for Alexis. It’s something I think he would like. I asked them if they could turn our picture from last Christmas into stain glass gift and they agreed. They looked at the picture I had printed out for them to use. I had added some details I wanted them to add. Some stars around us and a little saying at the bottom to represent how I feel about him. They loved the idea. 

“How long do you think it will take? I need it before Christmas. I leave Tuesday that week but I can try and push it if it’s not done by then.”

“I should have it ready for you, don't worry. I can tell it means a lot.”

I met with my therapist one more time before winter break. This was my third session with him. A day before Alexis had texted me that he didn’t want me to go to his parents house. He thought we should spend the holidays with our families so it’s easier and we don’t have to worry about looking weird because of our situation. 

“You look tense today.” He told me while we got ready and sat in the chairs. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Yesterday he texted me that he didn’t want me to go see his parents.” I moved around in my chair, “I understand not wanting to be together in front of people right now but he doesn’t even want me to go over before he’s home?”

“He said specifically that he doesn’t want you to see his parents?” He asked me.

“I can show you.” I take out my phone.

“If you would like.” I hand him my phone. He takes out his glasses to read the text 

                  “Hey, I’m going to tell my parents that we’re spending the holidays with our own family this year so if you go home early you don’t go to my parents. I don’t want it being awkward fir us wiry them around.”

   “Okay, I’ll tell my parents the same. Love you.”

“It doesn’t seem like he doesn’t want you to seem them. I sounds like he wants to avoid having to speak about your relationship when you both haven’t talked yet about it.”

“I just… I guess you're right but it still bothers me.” I fidgeted with my hands.

“Why didn’t you tell him that instead of agreeing with him if that’s how you feel?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, do you want to see him? Or were you planning on going over to his parents house?” He sets his note pad on his lap.

“Of course I do but I don’t know. I didn’t really think of it yet. I did think maybe we would see each other. At least a day or two. I figured I could go over like I did during Thanksgiving break. He didn’t bring it up before hand that he didn’t like that I did that.”

“You mentioned in our last session that he tried contacting you. You haven’t met yet, why?” 

“I was still pretty mad about our fight. I was still upset of him posting with guys too. Plus my parents fight, I just didn’t want to at that point and have it happen again.” I explained to him.

He took notes. “Are you still upset about the guys in those pictures?”

“Well I won’t lie, yes I didn’t like it. That’s why I didn’t want to meet because I felt that we would end up fighting about that or something else like him talking to my mom.”

“What is it about him being around other guys that would make you guys fight?” 

“Well, he thinks I cheated on him.”

“Did you cheat on him?”

“No”

“Why would he come to that conclusion?” He rearranged himself.

“There was an accident where I looked like I did but I didn’t.”

“Do you think he would cheat on you to get back at you? And maybe that’s why you feel insecure about him being around them?”

“No I don’t think he would. I guess I know because I did the same, he did it to get me mad and it worked. I was so jealous seeing those pictures. If I didn’t love him I probably would’ve cheated.” 

“I don’t think you would.”

“Why not? I could”

“All of us could, I don’t think you are the type of person to cheat on the person you say you love. That’s why you came here isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”… so he’s right about me not going?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Then?”

“Since you mention the fight you guys had. Would you in his shoes be comfortable bringing you around his family right now with the issues you’ve been having with alcohol. It being an event where most parties do participate in drinking?”

“I guess not,but I have been drinking less.”

“He doesn’t know that.” I don’t reply to him.

“Would you be comfortable playing a happy couple in front of both of your families when for the past few weeks all you’ve talked about is ‘how are you?’ and him expressing how he felt about spending the holidays?”

“We wouldn’t be pretending to be a “happy couple”…So you don’t think I should see him?”

“I didn’t say that, I don’t think it would be fair to talk to him if you aren’t ready to talk about the stuff we have been discussing here. If he doesn’t feel comfortable speaking with you around your families you should respect that.”

“Okay.”

“When you come back we’ll talk about why you came for you.”

Before I left I picked up my gift I had made for him. It came out just how I wanted it. I still don’t know if I’m going to give it to him. They even gave me a box to take it with so it wouldn’t get damaged. 

Both my parents picked me up this time. They waited outside my gate and hugged me as we met. 

“Alexis didn’t fly in with you?” My mom asked. 

“No mom, don’t worry he’s fine. We decided to spend the holidays with our families this year.” I fix my duffle on my shoulder. I could see the worry on her face. We’ve texted and called a few times since our fight when I came back home. But we didn’t address it. “Don’t worry he’s fine I texted him earlier today.” 

“Okay, and he is family. I’ll have to let him know next time I see him.” 

“Haha, he knows. We just think it would be better because I missed you guys.” I told them as I hugged them both as we walked. 

We got dinner close by before heading home. “I want to apologize to both of you about how I acted last time I came home. I’m truly sorry that I yelled and cussed at you mom. I’m sorry that I reacted the way I did. I’ll never do it again. I should have never been so aggressive to any of you.” 

“Thank you son.” My dad rubbed my shoulder. 

My mom grabbed my hand. 

“You guys were right. I don’t think I’m an alcoholic but I do think I was relying on drinking too much to distract me from my problems. Like I said my grades are up, I'm drinking less and I feel better.” 

“That’s amazing Mathew.” My mom rubbed my hand. 

“I do want to lay down some boundaries though. Mom I don’t want you to email my sports director anymore or anything like that without letting me know please. I’m a grown man, I can take care of things myself. If I need your help I’ll ask, I promise. I am also sorry that I told you, you couldn’t talk to Alexis. Of course you can, but I would like that you leave our relationship to just us. I don’t want you guys getting involved with what happens between us.”

“That’s perfectly fine son. But there’s limits.” My dad tells me. 

“You have to understand that we weren’t trying to get involved in between the both of you. We were just worried. Especially the way you were acting. We don’t just worry about your safety but his.” My mom explained.

“I understand that but it hurt my feelings that you guys would think of me like that. I would never do that.” I could feel my voice crack. 

“I know that Matty but how many other parents also think their son wouldn’t do it. I know the son I raised would never but like you said, you're a grown man now. I can’t control the way you act anymore. Even if I know my little kind caring, protective boy wouldn’t hurt Alexis. You know how I feel about violence of any sort, not just physical.” 

“That’s something I think we should still talk about Mathew.” My dad told me. “I still don’t like the way you treated your mom. It was unexceptionable. I accept your apology but we can’t brush it under the table. Me and you have to have a conversation later man to man about what happened that night okay?”

“I know, I’m not. Speaking of which, I took your advice and started seeing a therapist. It’s been really helpful. I’m not perfect obviously it’s only been a few sessions but I’m going to continue.” 

“That’s good to hear.” My dad said.

On Christmas Eve it was a little bit different than other years. I always spend them with Alexis now. We would go to his family’s house midway through the day. My mom told me my aunt was going on vacation so she wouldn’t be hosting Christmas this year. Since she wasn't there, other family members were going with their other families this year. Only my Aunt Jackey and my grandma were coming over. My mom decided to have them come over for dinner and stay the night since it was only us. 

Most of the day like the previous ones I spent watching tv with my parents. I took a shower and got dressed for dinner.