The door bell rang and my Dad went to the door. “We’re here!” My Aunt Jackey said. 

“Let’s have dinner so I can go to sleep. Hahaha.” My grandma joked. I said hi to all of them. “Hello Mathew, you aren’t with that boy this year? What’s his name again? I always forget.” 

“No grandma, we’re spending them separately this year. His name is Alexis.” 

“She’s right, since I was dragged here, let's get some food. I’m hungry.” My Uncle joked. 

We had our dinner with just the six of us. “Mathew you don’t want a beer?” My Uncle asked me as he came back to the table with a beer.

“No, I'm okay.” I told him. I saw my mom paying attention to our conversation.

“You don’t have to be scared, I can handle your mom.” He joked as he took a sip, “we won’t tell Alexis.” 

“Haha, no I’m okay really.” I responded.

“I guess it’ll just me in your dad this year.” 

After we ate dinner they gathered around the living room. My grandma headed to bed right after dinner. My aunt and uncle were in the living room drinking wine and watching tv by the time I decided I was going to take Alexis his gift. 

“I’ll be right back.” I told them as I put on my coat. “Can I take your car dad?”

“Yeah, my keys are by the door.” My dad replied.

“Where are you going?” My mom turned around and started getting up. 

“I’m going to take Alexis his gift. I’ll be right back.” 

“Okay, be safe.” She told me. 

I sat in my Dad’s car for a minute before driving off. I know they would be at his aunt's house because they always spend it there. I parked and stared at the house for a while. Since I’m not in my truck no one would notice unless maybe him. Does he want to see me? How will he react? I could just leave it in his mail box and text him later so he grabs it when he gets home. Or should I do it tomorrow at his house? He might not want to infront of his parents. It might be more awkward. They would try to make me stay over. Maybe I should just go home. I get out of the car and freeze for a minute. I take a deep breath. I’m already here so just go in Mathew. Just find him give him his gift and leave. 

I walk towards the house and pass all the cars parked along the street and the full drive way. Thinking back to the last two years of me coming here. I don’t even knock, I know it’s going to be unlocked and can see everyone inside. It’s packed like always. I clean off my shoes and I’m recognized right away. They start hugging me and greeting me. Surprised that I’m here. I take off my coat and his Aunt hangs it close by the door. “Are you hungry? There’s food, I know you love to eat.” She tells me. 

“No it’s okay. My family just had dinner not too long ago.” I tell her as she holds my hand. 

I look around to see if I can spot him. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I wanted to be in and out as fast as possible. I shake more hands like we always do when we would arrive anywhere. I really just want to look for him but I know it would be rude. “Mathew,” someone pats my back, “Alexis said you wouldn’t be coming.” His dad told me as he walked around to face me. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t going to but...” I take another glance around to try and see him. 

“Couldn’t wait huh,” his uncle joins the conversation, “love birds these two.” He shakes my hand, “it’s nice seeing you.” 

I smile. “Where’s Alexis?” I asked them. 

“He should be opening presents in the living room.” His dad tells me. 

I look over and try to make you out over the sea of heads sitting down everywhere. They break into a conversation and I can’t get away. They hand me a beer and I don’t say no. It’s just one, it won’t hurt. After a few minutes, maybe two or three I see you coming up to us. I just hug you from the side with my left arm. I want to hug you tight and kiss you so bad. We continued our conversation but I wasn’t paying attention. All I could think about was you. I wanted to look at you so bad. I haven’t seen you in person in so long. I break glazes towards him and see he looked at my beer when I took a sip. I’m able to break away finale. 

“Well it was nice seeing you guys. I have to talk to Alexis really quick.” I told them. 

They tease us for a bit before I say bye to them and his dad and we walk away. He leads the way and follow my hand on his lower back. I want to hold his hand so badly. He takes us to a back room away from everyone. I see him looking at my beer. 

“It’s the first beer I’ve had all break. I promise.” I told him. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken it. 

It’s quite for a bit till he breaks the silence. “I thought we agreed we were going to be with our families?” 

“I know I’ll leave right now. I just wanted to bring you a gift. I knew you would be here so, I thought it would be better here than at your home with your parents. Maybe I fucked up.”  I held out a gift in my free hand. I’m so nervous to hand it to him. I can see his face lit up by the hallway light. 

He starts opening it slowly. He takes out the glass and looks at it closely. He starts crying and hugging me. I can’t take it I’m going to break down too. I hug hug him back. Holding him tight while he cries. I rub his back to try and comfort him. I kiss him once before I tell him I have to go. If I stay any longer I won’t be able to hold myself together. Maybe I shouldn’t have come here. It would be a mess if they see us both crying in here. 

“But”, his voice harsh from crying told me.

“We can’t do it here. I’m not ready.” I kiss him one last time. I walked towards the light leaving him in the dark room alone. I set my beer on the dresser exiting the room. Cleaning my eyes on my way out before anyone can see. When i walked to the hall his mom came from down the hall. I say hi and keep it short. She’s talking to me in Spanish, my head all over the place is making it even harder to understand her but I manage. After I tell her bye I walk back to where everyone is at. I pass the kitchen quick with a few people, making my way through rooms. I get by the door and spot his dad. I really don’t want to talk to anyone. 

“Bye Alex,” I hug him. 

“You’re leaving so soon?” 

“Yeah I only came to give him a gift, merry Christmas.” I told them all. I walk towards the door and grab my jacket. I get out as fast as possible and jump in my dads car. I let it out once I’m sitting there alone. 

I drove home, I didn’t want to run into anyone right now. I parked it in its spot in the garage. I got out of my dads car and went out to the back to gather my thoughts a bit. I started crying all over again. The cold was making my tears freeze as they slid down my face. I heard a noise from up above. My dad came out to the balcony and noticed me crying. 

“Are you okay?” He asked me.

I clear my throat, “yes I’m fine.” I wipe my face with my sleeve.

“Do you wanna talk?”  He asked. 

I don’t say anything for a minute. “No, I don’t know.” I tell him not completely looking up. 

“Go to my office we’ll talk there.” He turns around and I hear the door close. 

I go back inside the garage head inside by the kitchen. I walk past the stairs heading to the back and sit in his office before he gets there. When he gets here he opens the door and turns on less bright lights. 

“Why were you on the balcony?” I asked him as he moved over by me. 

“I was smoking.” He replied. 

I smiled, “smoking? What were you smoking?” 

“Weed,” he puts it out on a tray on his desk. “Don’t look at me like that.” He smiles. 

“I didn’t know you smoked weed.” I laugh. 

“I’m not some guy who never had a life, Mathew. Just because I’m your dad doesn’t mean I didn’t have a different life before.” He sits next to me. 

“I just never noticed. Does mom know?” 

“Of course she does. You think I could get away with anything without her finding out.” He raised his eyebrow. “That’s because I didn’t do it while you were growing up. I didn’t want to give you a bad example even though it’s not horrible. That’s why I don’t smoke cigarettes even though I did when I was in high school. I also just recently started this year. I’m not an old man you know.” 

“I know,” I chuckle. “Alexis says that you look good for your age.” 

“Of course he does. You’re a carbon copy of me.” He teases me. 

“Ew dad.” He laughs but tries not to be loud to wake anyone up. I left at a few minutes before midnight and got to Alexis Aunt’s house 10 minutes after. I must have been there a few minutes before going inside. I know I wasn’t inside for that long but adding everything up it has to be after 1 am. 

“Why did you recently start?” I unzip my coat.

“It helps me sleep. When I can’t sleep I just smoke a preroll or a joint.” It’s less tense now. He’s sitting back with me on the couch he had in his office. 

“I get that, I used to do it to help me sleep. Why can’t you sleep?” I asked him. 

“Stress, since you left I’ve been more stressed lately. This year I just needed it.”  I knew it was because of me. I was stressing him out. “Do you want to talk about why you were crying?” 

I sniffed, “I just … I guess it hit me seeing him.” I leaned over with my arms on my knees. He came closer to me and started rubbing my back. “I give him his gift and he loved it, I think. He started crying and hugging me. I couldn’t hold back Dad. I tried to comfort him for a while before I left. I love him, Dad.” I turned to look at him. 

“I know Mathew.” He continued rubbing my back. “Why didn’t you guys talk it out?”

“I’m not ready and my therapist said I should wait. It wouldn’t work. If we did it needs to be in private and I don’t think we’re getting that till we go back. If he was crying that hard from just seeing me Dad. It was a lot. He couldn’t stop. I really hurt him.” I started crying a little bit. Tears ran down my face but it wasn’t stopping me from talking. 

“Do you want to talk about what happened between you two? You don’t have to give me the details if you don’t want to.” 

“We haven’t been really getting along for a while now. It’s mainly my fault, I know that. Before Thanksgiving we got into a big fight. We had been arguing a lot these past few months. I guess I’ve been neglecting him a lot and just not really the best boyfriend.” 

“How so?” 

“The drinking…” I told him. I think he could tell. “We fought about him going on that trip during Thanksgiving break because I wanted to spend more time with him but he said it didn’t matter because I wouldn’t even be with him. I would be “out drinking or with friends” and he had a point. We argued about other things but that started it. It got really bad Dad, really bad.” I shock my head I'm so embarrassed by it all.

“What happened?” We stayed quite for a few seconds. “Have you made him feel unsafe?” It felt like a gut punch. I remember seeing his face scared and backing away from me. 

“I was really mad. We were going at it back and forth. He brought up talking to Mom about me or us. I slapped a water bottle that was in front of me and it busted open. I didn’t do it at him but I still hit it. I got up and he got scared. Dad, he looked so scared of me.” I cried a little bit more. “I can’t even say it was because I was drunk. I was sober.”

“Mathew, you messed up really badly. You should have never done that.” My dad told me. He was calm but he wasn’t going to hold back. 

“I know dad.” 

“You should never use any type of violence like that. Not physically or verbally come on bud. You know this, I taught you that. You messed up bud. Now you have to face the consequences.” 

 “I know dad.” I told him while crying. “I just love him so much.” I cried and he held me. I hugged his waist while he held me. “I don’t know what I’ll do without him…”

“I know Mathew. But you did something really bad. It’s up to him how he wants to go forward with you.” I cried while he talked. “You said he liked the gift right? I know he loves you.” He rubbed my head. “You guys will be okay. No matter what you’ll be okay. It will always hurt but it’ll pass.” 

We stayed like this till I stopped crying. “Thank you dad.” I got off him and whipped my tears. 

“Why don’t we finish this and go to bed.” I laughed and we got up. He opened the door to the back and lit up the blunt. 

The next morning Alexis had texted me. 

                  “Hey Mathew, thank you for the gift. 

  “I’m glad you liked it. Love you.” 

                  “Are you free later today? I could go over later at night if that’s okay with you?”

   “I rather not talk here and have my parents hear us if that's okay?” 

He didn’t reply. I kept texting him asking how he was even though he wouldn’t reply. I left a few days after new years. I may have not spent this break with him but I’m glad I spent time with my parents. Hopefully they can calm down now that they see I’m doing better.