INT. CBC STUDIO -- DAY

JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES and SARAH STRAWBERRY jolt as the director counts in.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
We’re live!

They fumble, phones clattering.

JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES
Good morning, Cointropolis. Journalist Cookie-James.

SARAH STRAWBERRY
Sarah Strawberry. Last night—

JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES
(The “Bluey” bit.) Last night, the Ice Cream Cone murderer was arrested at Hotel Pizza. Safety debate. Hot Topic: stay or not?

A “HOTEL PIZZA” graphic flashes.

SARAH STRAWBERRY
This just in: Grand Theft Auto VI delayed for polish.

JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES
Please kill me.

The screen cuts.

INT. HOTEL PIZZA LOBBY -- DAY

CHEESY screams for a solid six seconds.

CHEESY
Me hotel! Me guests! Controversy!

CHEESEBURGER sips coffee, unimpressed.

CHEESEBURGER
We all are.

CHEESY
(Puppy eyes.)
But me profits! How me suwive?

CHEESEBURGER
Explain. Tell the truth.

Cheesy’s face hardens.

CHEESY
Creamsweet. I’m coming.

His crown glows, detaches, and zips out. It returns, dropping a dead cow with a “CREAMSWEET” tag.

CHEESY
Uh…

EXT. HOTEL PIZZA -- DAY

FIRESLAYER’s eyes glow green. He shoots a laser, singeing SIR DRUNKALOT.

FIRESLAYER
Buddy! Super powers!

SIR DRUNKALOT
(Dizzy.)
Don’t get worked up.

FIRESLAYER
Oh yeah?
(His voice darkens, one eye red.)
YOU’RE ILLITERATE! A KNIGHT! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS POWER!

Sir Drunkalot shivers, gives a weak thumbs-up.

FIRESLAYER
(Normal.)
Guess I’m in control.

INT. HOTEL PIZZA LOBBY -- DAY

Panicked, CHEESY grabs PENTA and shakes him.

CHEESY
Do something, bwaby!

PENTA
(Slaps him.)
Cheesy! We need to talk. Again.

CHEESY
(Rubbing cheek.)
Okay, master.

They teleport away.

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY heads for the door, keys in hand.

CHEESEBURGER
Where you going?

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY
My cereal’s outside.

CHEESEBURGER
Angry crowd out there. Open door, we’re dead.

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY
My frosted flakes will get soggy.

CHEESEBURGER
(Shows phone.)
546 missed calls from Jess. Sacrifices, buddy.

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY
…You have a wife?

CHEESEBURGER
Don’t like talking about it.

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY
Cute. But I’m facing the crowd.

CHEESEBURGER
No. I’m not letting you.

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY
Business war.

He grabs a broom, aims.

CHEESEBURGER
Can I use my powers?

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY
“Who Let the Dogs Out” is playing outside.

CHEESEBURGER
What?

Corn Flakes Boy sweeps his legs. Cheeseburger falls in slow-mo.

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY
(Laughs.)
I’m Thanos. With genocide.
(Pause.)
Hey. Feel like something dramatic’s gonna happen.

CHEESEBURGER
(Sighs.)
Just sit.

Corn Flakes Boy tries the door. It’s caged in spider silk.

CHEESEBURGER
Who did this?!

RITA lounges in a web above, typing.

RITA
Posting on Reddit. R slash iswipe. I swiped!

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY
Fireslayer and Sir Drunkalot are outside. Really outside.

CHEESEBURGER
I’m running a daycare here!

TIFFANY stares vacantly.

TIFFANY
Goo-Goo Ga-Ga.

CHEESEBURGER
Tiffany, help!

TIFFANY
(Startled.)
Not okay. Last night was traumatic.

CHEESEBURGER
They’re becoming celebrities out there!

EXT. HOTEL PIZZA -- DAY

A reporter interviews FIRESLAYER.

INTERVIEWER
How’d you film that kindergarten commercial?

FIRESLAYER
Let’s not talk about that.

INTERVIEWER
It’s bizarre.

FIRESLAYER
Try hitting a baby yourself, you creep.

INT. HOTEL PIZZA KITCHEN -- DAY

CHEESY and PENTA appear. Cheesy has a fake beard.

CHEESY
(Deep voice.)
I have dad issues.

Penta yanks it off.

PENTA
Cheesy. You’re misusing your powers.

CHEESY
You can’t say that again. I’m included?

PENTA
Chaos at the door! Cheeseburger’s bouncing. Fireslayer’s dominant. Tiffany’s traumatized. Rita’s drunk Spider-Man. Corn Flakes Boy is… okay. And you send your crown for food!

CHEESY
We can do anything! It’s amazing!

PENTA
Only for important things! I have powers too—I morph! Control them!

Cheesy’s eyes light up.

CHEESY
Superpowers 101.

Penta considers it.

PENTA
…Amazing. A control lesson. And Cheesy… bigger threats are coming.

CHEESY
Really?

PENTA
I can feel it. Danger. This class is vital.

CHEESY
Include handsome Cheesy.

PENTA
I have a feeling Stan’s… coming back.

CHEESY
What?!

PENTA
A feeling. Hope he doesn’t. Let’s do the class.
(Notices Cheesy scrolling.)
You listening?

CHEESY
Billboard Top 100. Yes. I paid $1.4 million for that violin.

INT. CBC STUDIO -- DAY

Graphic: “M.A.H.P – Mothers Against Hotel Pizza.”

JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES (V.O.)
With Inspector Pineapple.

INSPECTOR PINEAPPLE adjusts huge glasses.

INSPECTOR PINEAPPLE
To lighten the mood, an anime song about my life.

JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES
This is the news. Is Hotel Pizza safe?

INSPECTOR PINEAPPLE
Since I’m live… “NOT SAFE.”

Gasps.

JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES
Have you heard—

SARAH STRAWBERRY
This just in—

JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES
Stop switching! Your script is terrible!

SARAH STRAWBERRY
(Opens a beer, drinks.)
It is.

JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES
You can’t do that!
(Stands, shouts.)
THIS IS THE NEWS!

He rips off his shirt, revealing a gym vest.

JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES
I’m going to the gym of mad people!

He punches the camera. Static. “PLEASE STAND BY.”

INT. HOTEL PIZZA CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY

The gang is assembled. Penta at a board: “SUPERPOWERS 101.”

PENTA
You’re misusing your powers. This is about control. Being heroes.

FIRESLAYER
We’re on the right side, old guy.

SIR DRUNKALOT
We’re not on a side.

Fireslayer grabs his throat, eyes black, green pupils.

FIRESLAYER
(Dark voice.)
AGREE WITH ME OR I KILL YOU!

Rita webs him, yanking him back.

FIRESLAYER
Oh, you…

He blasts green energy. Rita dodges. The blast hits MR. CORN FLAKES BOY.

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY
My grains!

He hurls explosive cereal bowls. Chaos. CHEESEBURGER and CHEESY duck.

CHEESEBURGER
Seen Tiff?

CHEESY
Becoming a murderer, maybe.

A heavy BANG on the door. Crowd shouts. The door bursts. Protestors flood in.

CHEESY
ME HOTEL!

Penta snaps.

PENTA
EVERYONE! ATTACK!

Everyone freezes.

FIRESLAYER
(Grins.)
Let’s beat ‘em!

Full-scale brawl. Green blasts. Flying crown. Cheese-ball gun. Cereal bowls. Spider webs. A protestor grabs Fireslayer. Rakes trip the man—SIR DRUNKALOT’s work. Fireslayer lands, looks up.

FIRESLAYER
You saved me?

Sir Drunkalot nods, leaps, lands on a rake. It smacks Fireslayer’s face.

FIRESLAYER
Ouch.

Silence. The lobby is destroyed. Protestors gone.

PENTA
Let’s not do that again.

INT. SWEETCOIN CITY HALL -- DAY

MAYOR SUGARFACE watches the brawl on a giant screen.

MAYOR SUGARFACE
They chased the guests? Hilarious. Right, Terresa?

MAYOR TERRESA scrolls her phone.

MAYOR TERRESA
(Laughs weakly.)
Indeed.

A MARSHMALLOW BOI waddles in.

MARSHMALLOW BOI #1
Oh boy, happy!

A monster truck crashes through the wall, flattening him, then reverses.

MARSHMALLOW BOI #1 (O.S.)
See you in bed, guys.

Another peeks in.

MARSHMALLOW BOI #2
…Deathbed?

INT. HOTEL PIZZA BATHROOM -- DAY

TIFFANY sobs in a dry tub, wine bottle in hand.

TIFFANY
Horrible state. Man.

RITA enters, sits.

RITA
Hey, sis. What’s wrong?

Tiffany forces a bright smile.

TIFFANY
Hey! Earned $50.5K today! Celebration!

Shows phone: “$60.2K earned.”

RITA
Why the wine?

TIFFANY
Celebration!

Rita takes the bottle.

RITA
You’re not okay. Trauma. Anxiety. Pressure. Stop masking. Talk to me.

The smile breaks. Tiffany sobs.

TIFFANY
I… miss being a lawyer. Creamsweet destroyed my license. What’s the point without happiness?

RITA
You helped me. You helped Cheesy. Corn Flakes Boy. You have problems too. Everyone does. You can find happiness, but ease the pain first. You’re successful. But you lack love. Trauma takes time. Start with friends.

TIFFANY
Joy loses hope.

RITA
You don’t wait for it—you make it. Making it isn’t simple. But…

TIFFANY
I’m terrible at boundaries.

RITA
That’s resilience. When someone hurts you and you still show up… you were patient. You endured. That’s why you’re special.

Tiffany looks up, a real smile.

TIFFANY
I am resilient.

RITA
Good things come. You’re lucky. We all are. That’s life. Facing situations.

TIFFANY
You’re right.

RITA
Watch the news with the gang?

TIFFANY
(Chuckles.)
Of course.

INT. CBC STUDIO -- DAY

The studio is wrecked. JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES has a black eye, sling. SARAH STRAWBERRY has a bandage.

JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES
Top story… ouch, my jaw.

Graphic: “OW MY JAW.”

JOURNALIST COOKIE-JAMES
Said the… Sarah Strawberry! Millions of you out there.

SARAH STRAWBERRY
This just in: M.A.H.P. ends debate. Mayor Sugarface calls it “wonky, dumb, out of touch. Let the hotel live.” Commercial break.

INT. HOTEL PIZZA LOBBY -- DAY

CHEESY clicks off the TV.

CHEESY
I can’t believe it! Thank you, dad!

CHEESEBURGER
Thank god.

FIRESLAYER
Take that, mothers against great stuff!

MR. CORN FLAKES BOY
Profitability acceptability.

They cheer. Behind a chair, static crackles. A portal opens. STATIC STAN steps through, clear, smiling.

STATIC STAN
(Sings.)
The show must go on… with a redeemed me! I’ll save the world in 4K!

Portal snaps shut. Gang stares.

TO BE CONTINUED…