Josiah

When the doorbell rings, I’m not at all surprised to see Shinta and Simon come in, hand in hand. My stomach does a flip. Shinta has Simon sit at the window before he comes up to me to place their order. 

“Hello handsome, could I order our drinks please?” He looks to be in high spirits and I feel bad for nearly cursing that happiness brought to him by someone other than me. 

“So we are together today?” I ask, bitterness peppering my tongue as I speak. 

“Yeah, I found out we live in the same apartment complex! How lucky is that? I’m going to cook him dinner tonight.”

My heart sinks. Dinner is our thing. We eat dinner together more nights than not. I can’t help but ask him, “so no dinner tonight then?”

“Not tonight, no, I’m sorry! Tomorrow, I’ll come over and we can have dinner.”

“Okay.” I finish making his coffees and hand them over. “Please be careful. I don’t want to see you getting hurt. 

“I know,” he tries to reassure me. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry, okay?”

“Kind of hard not to. Just please come to me if you need anything.”

“I will. I always do, you know that.”

“Yeah, I know… I’ll see you tomorrow?” I ask tentatively.

“Yes, I promise. As soon as I’m off work I’ll come over.”

“Okay. Go, he’s waiting on you. Don’t have too much fun.”

“I won’t,” he says with a wink. I give him an eyeroll in return. He returns to Simon and I can’t help myself from eavesdropping while I clean up. 

“Like what you see?” Shinta jokes with him, holding out the coffees to show off his outfit.

“The coffees or you” Simon pokes back.

“Hmm both I guess.”

“I like both then. Now hand me my coffee,” Simon chuckles.

“Here.” Simon grabs the coffee from Shinta and spaces out while he sips on it.

“What are you thinking about,” Shinta says, waving his hand at Simon's face. His focus returns to Shinta again. 

I’m about to stop eavesdropping when I hear Simon ask, “You and Josiah are pretty close, huh?” My breathing hitches. I stop moving and wait for Shinta to answer. Realizing I need this answer more than I would have thought. How important am I to him really? He is my everything but am I everything to him? 

“Yeah, I think so. We were pretty much raised together so it’s hard not to be? He seems scary but he's actually a really good person.” My heart starts to race. “We have been through a lot together and he’s always been able to level me out when I needed it. I don’t know what I would do without him.” Fuck. “Don’t be afraid to talk to him. He’s super nice and easy to talk to.” No, don’t tell him that. I don’t want to be friends with the dude you’re trying to fuck.

Simon glances up with me and we lock eyes for a second before he looks back at Shinta. “He seems nice at work but I feel like outside of ordering, he wouldn’t want to talk to me.” You got that right buddy. 

“No I don’t think so,” Shita replies, putting way too much faith in me. “He just looks grumpy sometimes but he’s not.” No, Shinta, I am grumpy but I could never be grumpy with you. 

Simon lets out a chuckle, “I could see that.” Does he know? How could he know my feelings for Shinta? I do my best to bottle that shit up. I’ve accepted that I will always be watching from the sidelines. As long as we stay close like we are, I’ll be happy. 

“Okay, ready to go?” Shinta asks Simon, tapping his foot with his own. 

“Sure, let’s head out.”

Shinta turns to wave at me, “by Josi! I’ll see you tomorrow!” And they are out the door.

The day seems to drag on. Work isn’t busy so I’ve been stuck with my thoughts all day. All I can think of is everything Shinta is doing. I do my best to be the supportive best friend but I can’t help but be clouded with jealousy. A coward, afraid to change anything about our relationship. Afraid to take a step forward in fear the ground will crumble beneath my feet. Instead, I’ll remain in a bittersweet limbo at his side. Happy of our time together. Of the closeness we share. Devastated when he gets close to others. Bitter and jealous. An agony pulling at my chest. 

Once I finish locking up the store for the day, I head upstairs to my house. It’s not much, just a two bedroom apartment with a balcony out the living room. My parents belongings are still in the same place they left them months ago before leaving to travel the states. 

I open the fridge and debate cooking dinner without Shinta anyway. I settle on just saving the ingredients for tomorrow. I open the freezer and pull out a small tub of ice cream. I go to the couch and flick on the tv, aimlessly clicking through channels until I leave it on cartoons. 

My hand holding the ice cream is cold so I set it down on the couch before picking up my phone. I check the notifications, of course finding nothing. I open up my messages with Shinta and stare at the screen trying to decide if I should text him or not. I type out ‘good night’ and hit send, tossing my phone back on the couch. I lay my head back on the cushions and stare at the ceiling, trying not to imagine what they could be doing right now. I click off the tv and get up for bed, putting the ice cream away. 

My bed is a bit chilly and I snuggle up with the comforter tucked under my chin. I'm surprised when my phone goes off and there's a message from Shinta. ‘Goodnight’ with a little heart and kissyface emoji. Somehow it doesn’t make me feel better this time. I push down my jealousy boiling in my chest and set the phone back down. I’ll just sleep it off. Tomorrow I won't let it get under my skin anymore.