Josiah

“Oh Honey, I’m home!” Shinta yells from the steps as he closes the door behind him. A smile can’t help but creep across my face. I’m sure the smell of meat cooking on the stove has already wafted over him. 

“How was work?” I holler back as the sound of footsteps shuffle up the stairs. 

“Hey! I was supposed to cook dinner tonight!” He rolls up the sleeves of his deep purple sweater and washes his hand in the sink. I know I can’t stop him from helping but at least I was able to start some of it.

“And work was okay,” he continues. “I told the old lady I work with about my night and she told me I was just going to end up like last time! Can you believe that? No one has any faith in me.” He starts washing and cutting the vegetables.

“I think I have to agree with her. How did yesterday go anyway?”

“You too?” He sighs at me. “And it was good and bad I guess. But overall it was good.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well, he’s really sweet and I love how forward he is. He promised not to hurt me while he still lives here.”

I raise an eyebrow at him. “And the bad would be?”

“The bad would be that he will leave because of work and then cut all contact once he does. He said it’s harder on him to keep contact once he moves.”

“Shinta… I told you not to get hurt again.”

“I won’t. He told me up front so I know what to expect. I’m just going to have some fun for now.”

I shake my head. “There’s no way you won’t get attached. Do you know when he’s going to leave?”

“No, neither does he.”

I stop cooking and turn to look him in the eyes. “Honestly, that’s worse. Ugh, and you tell me not to worry about you, then you go and pull stuff like this.”

“Oh, come on. It’s not that bad. We will just enjoy our time together and then when it’s time for him to go, we will say our goodbyes and move on.”

“You? Move on? As I recall, you seem to really struggle with that part.”

“Well, I’ll be prepared this time.”

I rub the bridge of my nose. “Shinta. I really don’t have a good feeling about this.”

“Josiah. Really, I’ll be fine.” He puts his hand on my arm. “I’ll always have you. So, even if it turns out to be a flop, I know you’ll be there.”

My heart skips, then sinks all at the same time. “I wish you really understood that”

“What? I know you’ll always be there for me and I’ll always be there for you. That will never change.”

“You’re right. It will probably never change.” My heart sinks again. He will never understand my real feelings. 

We finish cooking dinner then sit in our normal spots on the couch watching our favorite sitcom. We laugh and talk like we always do and the unease I felt earlier slowly goes away. I try to tell myself that this is okay. That I’m okay with things just staying the way they are. Cooking dinner together. Sitting almost close enough to touch but not quite. Talking endlessly about any and all things that pop into our heads. 

As the night grows late, Shinta curls into the corner of the couch. I ask if he’s falling asleep but he swears he’s not. It’s cute how he tries to fight it. 

Once I know he’s all the way asleep, I get a blanket and put it over him. I knew he was going to fall asleep again. The times he’s slept on this couch are uncountable. I brush the hair away from his face.

“You’re going to get your heart ripped out again. I would never do that to you. I wish you could see me. Really see everything we could be.” I brush his hair one more time, looking at his beautiful sleeping face. He scrunches his nose a little before relaxing again. I can’t help but sigh. Right. I am fine just the way things are now. 

I get up and turn off the lights. “Goodnight, Shinta.” And I head to my room alone.