Shinta

“Because I love you, Shinta.”

“I love you too.” Because, duh obviously.

“No, Shinta. I’m IN love with you. I always have been. Watching you hurt yourself over and over again rips my heart apart. I didn’t want to tell you like this but if I don’t say it now I feel like I never will. You seriously mean everything to me. I thought I was okay just staying by your side as your friend but it’s too hard to watch you date these people. They treat you like shit. I would never treat you that way, I never have, never will.”

I can’t believe what I hear. What? Since when? He says always but like always always? How come I didn’t know? This whole time we have felt the same?

“I don’t know what to say…”

“You don’t have to say anything. I didn’t want to confess like this. I always dreamt that if I did, it would be beautiful and romantic because that's what you deserve.” He puts his head in his hands, obviously frustrated. “Please eat. I’m going to finish cleaning. I don’t need an answer. I just want you to focus on getting better. Let me know if you need anything.” And with that, he busied himself with cleaning again. 

I’m not even hungry. 

I poke around my food, taking little nibbles here and there, thinking about the news Josiah just unloaded on me. Never in a million years would I have guessed that he returned my feelings. My whole life has been turned upside down. I have so many thoughts right now and they are all overlapping. He’s in love with me? Why? I’m not that great. All the things that ive done and hes just put up with. Even right now I’m a fucking mess and hes here taking care of me. I’m such a fucking piece of shit. He deserves so much better.

My eyes start to burn and the tears come flooding back. He’s so amazing, I don’t deserve someone like that. 

My heart aches as the sobs come harder and harder.

The sound of footsteps come running up to me. I feel the plate lifted from my hands and hear it set on the table. 

“Hey, hey, hey, what's going on? You were doing so good. What happened?” I feel his arms wrap around me and I can’t help but sob even harder. I bury my face into his chest and let all of my emotions out. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Over and over again, I wail. 

He pulls away enough to wipe the tears rolling down my face. “Hey, what for? Come on, talk to me.”

I can’t get the words out. There's too many things.

He strokes my hair and cooes to me, “It’s okay, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yes huh,” I’m able to squeak out. 

“How so?”

“I’ve treated you so badly. I’ve done nothing but wave relationships in your face when this whole time you’ve had feelings for me.”

“Hey, don’t say that. It’s not like you knew.” 

“But we are best friends, I’m supposed to know everything.”

His chest shakes as he laughs. “You can’t know what I don’t tell you. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry it took me so long to confess and I’m sorry I did it in such a shitty way. 

“Don’t be sorry. I’m the sorry one.  I’m just in shock. I had no idea you liked men. My gaydar is awful.”

“That’s what's the most shocking to you? To be fair, it’s not men. It’s just you. It’s always been you.  I never told you because I didn’t want you to push me away once you found out.”

“I would never,” I say, squeezing him tight. 

“For that, I am very thankful. That would be very devastating.”
“I agree.” I squeeze him back just as tight.

“What about coming to stay with me for a few days? Who knows when the last time you left your apartment was. I can spoil you until you feel better and you won't have to sit in this house alone.” 

I nod my head. That sounds really nice right now. 

“Okay, pack up some clothes and let’s go.”