The wind tugged at my hood and sent a chill through me, but I hardly noticed. I had already walked past my old in-law unit, the college, and the corner market where I usually bought essentials, but I hadn’t seen those either. I was lost in my thoughts, trying to escape the anxiety, and equally consumed by it. Even the music playing through my earbuds couldn’t distract me from the heaviness crushing me.

I left my parents and my old life to try and find a place I belonged, and I thought I had found it, but did I really? Was I just jumping into this new experience and forcing Bastien and Jess to fit me in? Did they really want me there? The thoughts replayed in my mind like a song on repeat. The external world, my physical space, dimmed as my brain swallowed me.

A single headlight came ever closer to me as I crossed the street, but I didn’t see it. A loud horn finally pulled my consciousness back, and I was barely able to stop as a motorcycle sped past me. I quickly retreated back to the street corner and tried to steady the frantic pumping of my heart. My limbs buzzed with static, and a cold sweat clung to my back. I looked in all directions to try and get my bearings. Fortunately, my feet had walked me somewhere familiar. It wasn't until the neon flicker of 'Charlie’s Diner' lit my face that I realized where I was. So much was a haze.

Shaken by nearly being run over, I stepped into the nostalgic scent of deep fry oil, coffee, maple syrup, and fried eggs, and the sounds of 90’s classics playing in the speakers. For now, it felt safe.

“Are you on the schedule tonight?” a comforting voice queried.

“Uh, no, Lily, just stopping in to hang for a bit. Can I take the corner booth there?” I responded.

“Of course, hon.” Lily walked me to the booth in the back and sat down across from me. Lily, only a couple of years older than me, but already a mother of two, called everyone “hon” or “sweetie” as though she was a retired grandmother, but it matched her kind personality well.

“What you having tonight?” Lily asked with a smile.

“Just water, if that’s okay. I need to sit and think for a bit,” I answered honestly.

“Of course, hon. I’ll be back with your water. Stay as long as you need. It’s not busy tonight, as you can see.” With that, Lily got up and briskly walked towards the kitchen.

I finally looked around and saw only a few booths occupied, the usual for a weeknight before the late night crowd of college study groups and clubbers looking for a midnight snack stopped in. The emptiness suited me quite well.

When I looked at the time on my phone, now that I had Wi-Fi connection, I saw that I had missed several texts from Bastien and Jess while I walked.

Bastien: U ok? Ace said u looked a little flush when u left. Need anything?

Jess: Where’d you go? Almost everyone is here and excited to meet you! and I’m worried. Can you let me know you’re safe?

I’m so sorry. Needed to step away and clear my head. I’m okay. Help me entertain everyone and I’ll be back soon, I sent back to both.

I scrolled through the phone gallery and pulled up the photo of me and Dean on the dock. 203 days…

I hadn’t meant to ghost everyone. But staying had felt impossible. My life as a disappointment carried ever onwards. I stared at the photo, wanting to jump into it, be there again, as Lily returned with a glass of lemon water and a peaches and cream sundae. “Looked like you might need this,” she said, sliding into the seat across from me.

“Thanks, Lily, but I don’t think I can pay for that. I left the apartment so fast I forgot my wallet,” I replied, the embarrassment rising in me again.

“Don’t worry, hon, Charlie asked me to bring it to you. He saw how down you looked and wanted to cheer you up. If Charlie notices, it’s got to be pretty bad.”

“Let Charlie know I said thanks, please. I didn’t mean to be a bother to you guys. Just needed a place to hide, I guess,” I said softly, trying to mask my embarrassment in a neutral tone.

“Since you’re here, maybe I can help?” Lily asked genuinely.

I looked down and absently mixed the spoon in the sundae. The music filled in the silence. I wasn’t sure how much I should share, if it was my place to burden anyone else with my troubles. Finally, I got out, “I… how do you know if you really know someone?”

“Tough question. I suppose it depends on what you consider really knowing someone,” Lily responded thoughtfully.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I guess the best way to explain it is through an example. I’ve known the father of my two boys since I was in middle school. I knew all his family, his friends, where he went to church, how he did in his classes, what he liked to eat. All of it. I thought I knew enough to marry him and have children with him. When we got married, it seemed like I didn’t know him at all. I realized there were all these little signs in how he treated me that I ignored because I knew him for so long, I thought I could disregard them. We shared memories and history. But it wasn’t enough. So, we divorced and I met my current husband. We’ve only known each other for about a year, but I paid attention to all the small details of how he treated me and other people in his life. Without the history, I was able to really see who he was to me, and see the actual way we fit into each other’s lives. Does that make sense?”

I nodded. I thought I understood.

“I’m not saying that my ex-husband is a bad person. He’s not. He’s a great father. It’s just that all of that didn’t tell me who he was as a husband. So, I knew him, but not in the way I needed to for that commitment. With my new husband, I don’t know a lot of things from his past, but I don’t need to yet. The way we fit together, how he treats me and fits me into his life, that’s what I need to know.”

“I think I get it. That makes a lot of sense now. I never thought of it that way.” I didn’t quite know when, but in between spoonfuls of sundae and the familiarity of the diner’s sounds and smells, I had stopped sweating. “You know a lot for someone so young,” I said in awe.

“I know I’ll always keep learning. Just like you. I only met you a couple of months ago, hon, but I know what I need. You’re thoughtful, kind, hard-working, you treat people with respect, you make mistakes and learn from them. The rest, I’ll learn when you’re ready to share, but I do know you, and you know me,” Lily gently said as she put her hand over mine.

“Thank you for being here for me, Lily. You’re the best. I think I need to head back home though. I have a party waiting for me. Do you want to stop by after your shift?”

“You’re very sweet, hon, but I’m going home to be with my boys. You have fun,” Lily said as she stood, gave me a reassuring rub on the shoulder, a warm smile, and went back to checking on her tables.

I looked at the empty sundae glass in front of me and sat silent for a moment longer. I took out my phone and sent a text to Bastien and Jess. 

So sorry for the wait. I’m coming home.