When I got back from break my life went back to how it was. Alexis texted me a few days after and I cleared the air a bit. Now he knows I’m getting help. A few days later the guys asked if I could get them beer because they were too drunk. I went to buy some but didn’t have my ID. I hit up Eric to see if he could get some for me. I went over to Mikey’s place to pick him up. 

“I thought you have a fake id?” Eric asked as he got up to leave. 

“I do but I lost it. I don’t even know when. I haven’t bought beer in forever.” 

He bought me a case and I took him back. I went out one day with the boys. I noticed Mariana there, she must have saw me too but we never talked. My appointment with my therapist was coming up and I was nervous and excited. It’s really been helping me.

***

“So how was your vacation?” He asked me. We both sat and started getting comfortable. He took out his notepad and put on his glasses.

“It went pretty good actually. I spent time with my family and we talked about what happened and how I’ve been coming here.” 

“That’s good to hear. What did they think about you seeing me?” 

“They both liked it. I don’t remember if I told you before that they wanted me to see someone. They felt relieved. I guess that I’m finally doing it.” We were both quite for a moment. He smiled at me while he sat across from me. “I know we talked about how it would be unfair if I meet Alexis and I should respect the boundaries he set but I did contact him.”

“How did he take it?” 

“I…I don’t know. I do think he wants to see me and enjoyed seeing me. But I did make him upset. I think our situation did but he still cried when we talked.” I felt a little less nervous now that I told him. Now I’ll just see how he reacts to me going against what we aggreeeded upon.

“Did you have the conversation you wanted?”

“No, I told him we should wait. I should say I just went to give him a present. I guess it was a way for me to show I care about him and haven’t stopped thinking about him. I don’t know. He texted me the day after asking to meet and I declined. I told him we should wait till we got back here. I’ve told him I'm talking to someone about it, so I think that has made him worry less. I didn’t want to meet again before another session.” I stare at him concentrating on me. “Was I wrong by not meeting up again?”

“If you didn’t feel comfortable meeting up again I don’t see why that would be wrong. Just like I told you to respect their boundaries, you have to respect yours too.” He dotted something down on the notepad. “How did you feel about meeting him?”

“I guess I felt good. Even if I was nervous as shit. Sorry, I was super nervous before and after I’ve been wanting to see him for a while now. I needed it even if it broke my heart seeing him cry. Is it bad that a part of me felt good that he still cares about me?”

“I think it's a normal thing to feel even if we may not share it out loud.” He took a pause. “You’ve mentioned the fight the two of you had that started all this but we haven’t really talked to deep into everything that happened during and going up to the event. Would you like to talk about it more?”

I took a deep sigh. “Where do I start?”

“Where ever you would like.” I don’t say anything. I’m too much in my head. “Take you’re time don’t worry.” He lets me sit there silent a few more moments. “How about the drinking? We could start there?” 

“Okay, so you already know that I was drinking more than I should and not being involved in the relationship. But there was more than that, we also fought over money and the cheating stuff. The drinking just made everything else more complicated.” 

“Why did you start drinking so much alcohol?” 

“I was dealing with a lot of stuff and felt like I couldn’t talk about it so I just used it to numb myself. If I was out drinking I wouldn’t be talking about it. But I took it too far.”

“Did you not feel comfortable talking about these things with him or a close friend?”

“It wasn’t that I didn’t feel conforable talking with him about it. It’s that I didn’t want him to know. Some of my friends here knew some of it but I also wasn’t having heart to heart with them. Our close friends are close with both of us so I didn’t feel comfortable telling them.” 

“Why didn’t you want him finding out?” 

“I knew it would make him worry about me.” 

“So you relied on drinking to numb yourself from being around him?”

“Yeah, I felt like I couldn’t talk with him anymore because how do I talk about my day or stuff going on when connected to what I don’t want him to know?”

“What was it that you didn’t want him finding out?”

“Things being said and done about how we’re, well because I’m dating a guy.”

“What kind of things?”

“I started getting teased I guess you could say by some of the guys on the football team. It wasn’t bad, I put a stop to it pretty early on. But I knew they were still saying stuff behind my back or would have side comments in front of me thinking I wouldn’t hear.”

“So you were being harrassed at school? Did you let your school know?”

“No it wasn’t like that”

“But you said-“

“Yes but I feel like saying I was harassed would be too much. I’m not some small weak guy they can pick on. Once I confronted them it stopped. Most bullies are to scared to actually do anything. That’s why they rely on people being scared but their just,” I paused, “pussies. It wasn’t all of them but some I know some guys might feel some type of way about it but never say anything. After that it was done, but like it was kinda known and I know other people felt the same type of way and I didn’t want Alexis having to hear any of it.”

“So you never reported it?”

“No.”

“Was it the same for your basketball team?”

“Like I said it’s not just the guys on the team. Some like the football team yes but after I confronted the football players I never heard anything straight to my face. But you know how these things go, also I was getting more attention in sports so I’m not just a random guy on the football or basketball team. I had people online who don't even go to our school talking about it. Thankfully it was directed at me and not him.”

“What do you mean at you?”

“They knew I’m dating a guy but didn’t know who so as along as it wasn’t as public-”

“The relationship?”

“Yes, like we don’t really post together. But since his career is to be in the public eye it kinda got too big to control. So sometimes outsiders would say things at parties. Random guys from my school or other schools.”

“What would happen when that would happen?”

“The fights.”

“The fights you mention during the fight with your boyfriend?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t fighting everyone. I made a promise years ago that I wouldn’t just fight guys for yelling slurs at him. I kept it, if it wasn’t for that I might have fought more guys that would act stupid. I know it sounds horrible to be telling you this.”

“You’re explaining how you felt. You can keep going.”

“It’s just why do they get to be so hateful and not face any type of consequences. Always the same type of people getting away with running their mouths.” I sigh, “but I don’t. I don’t go around beating them like I could but I did get into three or four fights not including the one he saw. They were all after they tried hitting me.”

“What about the fight were he was involved?”

“It was after they has shoved him to the ground. I could have not done it I know, maybe I’m just violent. It mad me so angry.”

“You think you’re a violent person?”

“I don’t know. Before I wouldn’t have said I was but after what I did with him. I’ve fought before defending my mom and almost did with one of my cousins because of an accident involving Alexis. Hitting that water bottle, seeing him scared of me. Maybe I am.”

“You are an intimidating figure. I’m a tall guy myself and you're a couple inches taller. Way stronger looking than I am. That could have contributed to the way he reacted.”

“I agree that being two times his size would be scary seeing me like that."

“Do you think it could have escalated?”

“No. I did it though. So maybe I am.”

“Of what you’ve told me it would be a pattern of violence. I don’t think you yourself are a violent person. Going off the sessions we’ve had. You’re calm, collected,yes you swear sometimes.” We both chuckle. “But you aren’t reactive to the topics we discuss.”

“It was also just a reality check. That was the first time I’ve ever had someone try and well they did put their hands on someone I loved. What if I wasn’t there? Or he follows me to another place and something happens because he is around me?” I felt my throat get tight. “I can’t always protect him. I can’t keep him locked away so nothing happens. I stress out when he goes out by himself or is away at work. What I’m I supposed to do? Tell him to not dress a way that someone might guess he’s gay? Or to not walk a certain way, talk a certain way? If we are out and I decide to hold his hand and kiss him. Then what? Something could happen like that night again?”

“Why do you feel the need to protect everyone?”

“Isn’t that a good thing? Shouldn’t I be protecting them?” My eyes got a little watery. 

"Yes it’s important and the right thing to do but why do you feel the need to always be the one facing that responsibility?”

“That’s how I was raised. I’m a man. I should look out for everyone else.”

“Is your dad the same way?”

“Yes but he’s never gotten into a fight that I can remember. He’s the one who told me to always protect the ones I love.”

“How did he view you fighting others if he knew?”

“Of the occasions he knows he is against it.”

“Why do you think you react that way?”

I think for a second, “I’m scared to lose them.” I blurted out "Should I just let them get hurt?”

“No, I don’t think anyone would have let them get harmed if it was someone they loved. My question is why do you think you react by fighting to protect them?”

“If I’m honest I don't regret fighting any of them. I just don’t want that to bleed into other parts of me. I never want that to happen again.”

“Is this the reason why you’ve been feeling down?”

“No,” I sniffed. “It was like what made me explode but it’s been a building up of lots of things.”

“Why have you been feeling down?”

 “I’ve just felt like a failure. I haven’t been happy for a while.” I felt a tear go down my cheek. “I have no reason too, I’m with the person I love, I’m going to the school I wanted to go to, I don’t struggle for anything, I’m healthy, I don’t have to worry about tuition, or food or housing. Even if I did end up having to, I have a college fund I could use and if I didn’t have that I know my parents would support me without a doubt. I have nothing to stress about. Even though my scholarship money is down this year.”

“If money wasn’t an issue why did you guys have a fight over the apartment?”

“That’s another thing, I still wouldn’t have to worry because he could cover it but I don’t want him to. I don’t want to have him stressing about having to provide for the both of us. I feel like I’m holding him back. I don’t want him to have me rely on him. I want to be able to support him in whatever he wants. I guess it led to me pushing him away.”

“I notice it connects back to you wanting to protect someone. In this case your partner. Do you not think he feels the same way when he is helping you?”

“Yeah, I just… I don't know. I don’t want him to ever be the one to have to “take the bullet” for me.”

“When you are in a relationship it will come with certain responsibilities that you will need to share. If it was one person looking after the other it would be unbalanced. In order for any relationship to work the pair needs to be balanced by shifting responsibilities to one another. How will it build trust between each other if the other can’t rely on the other?”

I don’t say anything back and take it all in. 

“If you want to keep this relationship, stay in a healthy relationship you might have to change the way you view things. You can’t stress 24/7 about who or what someone might do to the people you love. It’s not healthy not only for them but also for you Mathew. You’re too hard on yourself. In the end you will end up back here where you are hurting those you love. You can’t let yourself go because you want to protect those who you care about. You can’t expect them to not want to protect you as well.”

We finished up my session after talking a few more minutes. 

I told Derek and the guys I was moving out today. They were cool about it. They helped me take my stuff to my truck. I know Alexis isn’t home right now because he’s working. I still have my key so I go home and unpack my things. It’s only been two months since I left the apartment but it feels weird. Everything is the same, all the photos are still in the same spots, the side of the bed still has his stuff. I don’t know when he’ll be back but I want to be here when he is. I thought about asking Kayla or Mariana but I don’t think they know. Mariana might but I don’t think she would tell me. To be fair I have been an asshole for most of the time she’s known Alexis. We didn’t really see each other much before everything went south so her impression of me isn’t the best. I could ask Nina she would probably know or could ask. I don’t think she wouldn’t tell me. She for sure knows our situation but at least she knows me better she would tell me more likely. Fuck it I’m just going to text him. We’ve been texting a little more anyway and he asks about my day too now.

   “Hey, do you know when you will come back?” 

          “I should be back this Thursday. Why is everything okay?”

“Yeah don’t worry. I was just curious. Love you.”

         “I love you too.”

After practice I came straight home. I sat on the couch waiting for him. I know he will get here at any minute now. I’m sitting on the same spot I was when we fought. I’m so stupid for acting like that. I wish I could take it all back. I hear the door open.