I gasp, then cough a few times and turn around and try to count sheep in my head. I turn a round beetroot red.... the fuck did I just see? My heart is pounding soo loud I think I might be getting a panic attack. Tony officially has the largest member I have ever seen. Is that even atonomically possible to be that big? Jesus is this guy even human??? There is no way he is. Catch! Tony yells still face deep in his pile of clothes. I try to catch my breath and thank the heavens that he did not look at my face. I am flushed a mess a complete total mess. My thoughts are everywhere. Ahem tic toc I jump and turn to find Tony behind me dressed and looking at me with eyebrow raised. A part of me is disappointed that he is dressed already , I nervously laugh and get dressed as well. We leave shortly for the club. The club was tucked under a web of electric signs, its entrance breathing out music like a living thing. Inside, lights slid lazily over polished bottles and bodies that moved with intention. It was the kind of place people went to forget titles , misery. In here, I was not his boss or his CEO, just two regular guys having fun like usual- except this time I feel like i'm closer to Tony. Relax, you got this. I hyped myself up, I looked at Tony only to find out he had disappeared into the club. Great, good job, you lost him, I groaned.

I traced my eyes around for a few seconds and then I spotted him before he saw him. Hard not to. He was leaning against the bar, long fingers wrapped around a lowball glass, shoulders loose, laughter sitting comfortably in his chest. When he spoke to the bartender, the sound dipped low and warm, a note that didn’t ask permission before settling somewhere inconvenient. I swallowed and adjusted my watch. Pointelss, Oh God . I pause. Ridiculous. I have walked into boardrooms with less hesitation. I breathe in and casually walk towards him with the biggest smile I can muster.

He turns, catches sight of me, and smiles like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Pls don't do this, my heart won't take much of this.

“Hey bunny, was beginning to think the crowd swalloed you whole”, he laughs deeply. There it is. That voice. Calm. Grounded. It always sounds like he is standing on solid ground, even when I am not. He hands me a glass of soju and I smile wholeheartedly. We clink glasses. The sound is small, almost lost under the music, but my hand lingers a second too long. I pull back before he can notice. He never notices things like that. Or maybe he does, and simply does not think they mean anything. Another side of him that I can't help but find adorable.

“Relax,” he says, leaning closer so I can hear him. His arm brushes mine. My spine goes rigid before I force it not to. “You look like you’re about to give a quarterly report.”

“I am relaxed,” I lie and take a big sip of my drink. He grins, unconvinced. Hell I am not convinced I am anywhere close to being relaxed at all. I am a mess but I keep falling deeper and deeper for him and it terrifies me now. We talk about work at first, then a jazz song comes up and he mummurs and sings in a whisper-almost feels like he is only singing for me. At some point I realize I closed my eyes while he was singing and opens them to find him looking at me with an expression I've never seen from him.

He shifts closer. I can feel the warmth of him through my sleeve. I tell myself to move. I do not. “You’re different tonight,” Tony says slowly. I glance at him. “Different how?” Did I give myself out. I start to panic... “Comfortable , adorable even” He studies me, eyes steady, thoughtful. “I like it.” He smiles and shows off those deep dimples and my heart goes into overdrive. How many times has that happened today? I'm surprised how I am still breathing at this point. The words hit harder than they should. I take a drink to give my face time to recover. He watches me with an ease that makes me wonder if he has any idea what he is doing to me. Or if I am simply losing my grip on composure. I meet his gaze. The music fades into background noise, reduced to vibration and light. Fuck I am glad this gorgeous man do not read minds because I would be dead. I think to myself.

He sings a few songs and I sit there quietly listening to his deep voice completely drawn in by his voice. We order more drinks and chat lightly. Even if this is an unrequited love , I am glad to be a part of his life and would not wish it any way. I remind myself not to be greedy but to appreciate raw moments like this.

His shoulder presses against mine again. This time, I let it stay. If he notices my breath hitch, he does not comment. If he notices the way my attention bends entirely toward him, he gives no sign. Perhaps he is oblivious or Perhaps I am simply beginning to hope.

Either way, I know one thing as Saturday night unfolds beneath neon and sound:
I am already far less in control than I pretend to be . Mum, dad, siz , your son is totally fucked and a fool for love.