“I wonder how they decided what stars make up what constellations. Some of the patterns are obvious I guess, but where do you draw the line? What about that shape makes it an animal?”

Willis had spent much of the night rambling about constellations. This meeting of theirs had been mellow. It wasn’t the first time they had stargazed. But it was the first that he showed off his knowledge on the stars above. Apparently, he knew a lot.

“Plus, you need to get a bunch of other people to agree with you on what you call those shapes. There’s nothing stopping someone from connecting some stars and going ‘this is my new constellation called the Fish’ you know?”

Lily had started with intent focus. Listening well to everything Willis said. At this point, some of what they babbled about was perhaps a bit lost on her. Her eyelids had long slipped shut. More than once she had to stifle a yawn.

“I’ve talked before with travelers from other lands. Some of the constellation names are the same, but some are different too. They have different myths, different histories. Concepts of asterisms that we don’t have. I always love hearing about them.”

It was a lovely night. The air cool and crisp. Waves gently lapped the shore. A companion by her side. Everything was rhythmic. The perfect conditions to doze off. She hummed to herself.

Willis’ voice was the only thing that stopped her from outright falling asleep, “…Hey Lilium?”

“Hm?”

“Can I ask a random question?”

“Mhm.”

“Do you have any plans for the future?”

The future? Her eyes fluttered open. It certainly was a random question. One her tired mind didn’t quite grasp. “You mean like… ruling?” she asked.

“No like-” he sighed. In her peripheral she caught him sitting up. He gestured widely, rolling his hands. “Besides that. Other stuff. Like I’d love to travel. I always hear so much about other lands. The towns, the cultures. They sound incredible. I want to see them for myself.”

He kept going, “There’s this meadow on the other side of the kingdom, at the edge of the border. It’s huge. In the spring and summer it’s nothing but flowers as far as the eye can see. I don’t know when but… I want to run through it someday. I want to know what’s on the other side.” He paused, shaking out his hands. There was a glint of wonder in his eyes. “I mean things like that.”

Lily’s ear flicked. Her mouth pressed into a tight line. She searched for something, anything. “I plan to rule,” was all she had to give. 

“Seriously?” their voice was thick with shock. “There has to be something you want to do. Anything?” He almost sounded desperate.

She turned her head. “I haven’t thought about it before,” she admitted. Her eyebrows furrowed as she added, “Why would I?” 

His ears pinned back. “Because it’s nice to look forward to things? Isn’t there anything you look forward to?”

“I look forward to seeing you,” she said immediately. She felt warm at the way his face lit up at the comment. It didn’t last when she continued. “There’s not much else to look forward to. One day I will rule. I will have a child. I will raise that child to take my place. They will. I-…” she trailed off. He knows. I don’t need to say it.

“You know how depressing that sounds, right?” His eyes were wide, eyebrows tight knit. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, like a fish gasping for air. “There’s more to your life than that Lilium,” he eventually got the words out. He turned to her fully.

He sounds like he’s trying to convince himself. “Not really. My purpose is to rule,” she insisted. Even as the words tasted bitter in her mouth. “It wouldn’t be worth it to act like it’s not.”

“Okay,” Willis’ tone was strained. He flexed his claws. “Even if that’s true, you can have other goals. Hopes. Dreams. Anything?” his voice rose in pitch as he spoke.

She sighed, “I don’t see why it matters.” It never has.

“It matters because I care about you.” He ran a hand through his hair. “It matters because you’re being weird.”

“What?” she gasped. She turned on her side, propping herself up with one arm. “Excuse me?” What is he talking about?

“You’re being weird!” he repeated. He held his arms out wide. “I haven’t said anything about it because I thought it would be rude, but I am drawing the line.”

“So many times since we’ve met you’ve said things about ruling or responsibility that sound unhinged! Especially right now! You talk like you aren’t a person and it’s weird!”

“I heard you the first time,” a defensive growl rose in her throat. She sat up more. “I don’t think it’s unhinged to be aware of my place in life. I am the Prince of Arcadia. My mother had me to one day take her place. It’s the truth.”

“That can be true without it being your whole life’s purpose.”

“I still don’t see why it matters.”

“I don’t see why it doesn’t,” he countered, pointing at her. “You matter. Not because of your title, but because you’re a person. Most people have aspirations.”

“I think you’re the one being weird,” she hissed at him. She crossed her arms, turning away. She had to be right. “I’m sorry if you don’t like my answer, but I’m being honest. It’s not my fault if you can’t handle that.”

He moved closer in the corner of her eye, “Do you really believe that? Do you believe anything you’re saying?” he pleaded, as if begging her to say otherwise. “How much of this is your actual opinion and how much of it is you parroting what your mother has told you?”

Her stomach churned. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me.”

Then maybe you should stop caring. All her words got tangled in her throat. She tried to pivot, “I think your plans sound nice. I’m sure they’re fun to think about.” Even if I wouldn’t dare.

It took all her strength not to sigh when he let it happen. “They are,” he said softly. His expression dropped like a rock. She tried to ignore the discomfort that clawed up her throat. “I’ve been thinking about them more and more lately, with my birthday coming up and all. I’m not… ready to rule.”

Every fiber of her body stiffened. 

“I know- I know it’s not like I’m going to turn 20 and suddenly my mother is going to be like ‘okay Willis time to carry the whole weight of the world on your shoulders’ but-” his voice turned scratchy. “I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

I don’t either, she wanted to say. I don’t want this. The thought crashed through her mind like waves against rocks in a violent storm. A sudden strike of lightning to light a spark of flame to turn a whole forest to ash. I don’t want this. Such a novel idea. One she kept at bay for all these years. I don’t want this. Was the dam truly that easy to break? Her breath became uneven.

“You get it, don’t you?”

Lily’s gaze snapped to Willis. Had he said more before that? She wasn’t sure. Her mind locked onto the question all the same. 

'You get it, don’t you?'

She understood all too well. “I don’t think about it all that much,” she said. I don’t like to. I can’t.

How was she meant to take the way he smiled at her? “Yeah. It’s not that fun,” he chuckled weakly. He wrapped his arms around himself, head tilted up. “That’s why I usually try to think of other things to do. Helps it feel less scary,” he offered.

“My purpose is to rule. That’s all. That’s the future and I don’t like to think about it. So I don’t,” she growled, akin to some sort of twisted reassurance. She couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. Her gaze dropped to the blanket. Her claws found the back of her hand. They dug in.

“There’s more than that.”

It was supposed to be nice, wasn’t it? Something sweet to hear. Something to comfort her. She was sure she would make herself bleed.

“That is all there is,” she retorted. Everything ached. She threw her arms up. “I could think all day about how nice it would be to do other things but at the end of the day I’m still…” trapped. She let out a deep rumble. “I still don’t see why you care so much. What is this really about?”

Her ear flicked as he shuffled around. He settled with a huff. “I care because- we’re in the same spot. We are in this together. I think about that a lot too. I care about you Lilium.”

“I don't matter,” the lie slipped out. It had to be true.

“You wouldn't say that about me.”

“What?” She blinked, giving them an owlish look. What is he doing?

“You keep saying you don't matter or that your feelings don't matter. I know you're only saying that because of your title,” he pointed out. He shook his hands. “But I also know you wouldn't say any of that about me.”

It was a challenge. One she was meant to back down from. She was meant to back down and admit he was right. Freed from the snake that wrapped around her tighter and tighter. Maybe life would be better.

Too bad she was stubborn.

“I would, actually,” she snapped. Mouth pulled back in a snarl. I have to be right. She twisted the knife. “Believe it or not Willis I’m not foolish enough to think that your father had you for fun. You're here to fill a role and so am I. That's just life.” It had to be true. She didn't dare look at him after.

The silence dragged. It dragged and it dragged and it threatened to drag her to the deepest darkest pits she could never dream to crawl out of. There would be no one to help her. Not now. Her insides felt like they were being rearranged.

Is he going to say anything? a desperate thought, ironic now. She snuck in a glance at him. He faced the ocean, arms wrapped around his legs. There was a subtle way his eyes seemed to wobble as he looked out on the tides. 

She had to say something. Someone did. Anything. She swallowed roughly, “What you think is out beyond that meadow?” A thoughtless question. One that would warrant a reply at the least.

He inhaled sharply. There was a pause before he answered, “I don't think… it matters right now.”

Her chest ached. 

Before she could say anything, he added, “I think I’m going to go.”

“Oh,” she frowned. He never left before her. Something burned. “Okay.”

He stood wordlessly, turning to her with an expectant look. 

Am I supposed to say something?

“I need the blanket.”

“Oh- right,” her face caught fire. Such an obvious thing. She got up with a cough, clearing her throat.

Willis grabbed it, shaking it out. He folded it neatly. A distant look on his face.

“Are you alright?” she asked. Even if the answer was crystal clear. 

He stared at her blankly, as if he didn’t understand the question. Perhaps baffled that she dared to ask at all. Then he smiled, “Yeah I’m fine.” It didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m tired is all. Laying down and talking so much wore me out,” his voice was small, like he was struggling to speak.

A familiar excuse. She didn’t push. Instead returning the smile, “I hope you sleep well.”

His ears pinned back, even as he kept a tight grin. He almost seemed to grit his teeth. “Thanks. Night.” He turned heel. Not waiting for her reply. 

Her body found a way to tense even more as something popped into her mind. “Willis-!” she called after him, voice cracking. She shoved the emotion down. “We’re meeting again in four days, right?”

He paused at her words. Ears tilted back. An eternity until he answered, “Sure. See you then.” His form slipped into the shadows of the forest

“Goodnight…” she muttered. It might as well have been to herself. She stood there for a second. A minute. A few. Maybe more. As if he was going to come back.

Eventually she relented. Something stung. Her claws had found their way back to her hand at some point. Had she ever let go? She released her grip, catching sight of pinpricks of blood welling near her knuckles. She ignored them like everything else.

I don’t want this.

It didn’t matter at all.