Runt, King of All Goblins (in this county), sat in a musty recliner in a disused house in a questionable section of Natchez, Mississippi and regretted every decision that had led to him being there. Things had been great at first, him and the brood working in the back of that restaurant. Lenny was a fantastic cook. Best wait staff in the city. But then the horrid old woman that ran the place, with her duplicitous smiles, shut the restaurant down. She said she’d help them find jobs. He’d believed her. Now they were almost out of food, all twenty-five of them, and the old bag had managed to blackball them from every restaurant and eatery in town. “The Green Tide” she’d called them as a compliment. Behind their backs she'd called them "roach men".

Now everyone in the restaurant scene took them for thieves or degenerates and just above rats as things you don’t want to find in the kitchen. The only option he could think of had been the kidnapping. He adjusted his crown, thoughtfully provided by the Burger King, and wondered why they still hadn’t heard anything back from the parents. No info about the ransom. No police. No knights. Nothing. His hemorrhoids were starting to bother him and it wasn’t improving his mood. He finally snapped.

“TALWICK!” he yelled.

The ten or so members of the brood that sat in the floor around him jumped at the royal summons. A minute later Talwick, his junior commander, came charging into the room from the back. He saluted as best he could without knocking the pot off of his head and stood at attention.

“YES, your kingshipness!” Good energy, Runt thought.

“Still no calls on the burner phone?”

“No, your low highness.”

Runt pondered. That’s what kings did. They didn’t think. They pondered. He stood up on the chair with his hands behind his back to make sure he had the height of royalty on his side. Lift the nose just a bit, nailed it he thought.

“Talwick, I want you to do your best and try to recite to me what the note said. Maybe there was something you didn’t transcribe right. Exactly as you wrote it, mind.”

Talwick’s brows knitted and his eyes wandered to the ceiling. A good lad. His sister’s oldest, but not much thinking meats.

“Uuuuuuuh. . .” He said.

“Take your time. No rush.” Runt enjoyed being gracious with his people.

An idea seemed to strike Talwick and he slapped his forehead. He reached into his belt pouch and dug around for a moment before pulling out a piece of paper. He unfolded it and began to read.

“We have your little girl. If you. . . .”

“Talwick,” Runt interrupted with more patience than he felt, “could I see that, please?”

The young goblin smiled and handed the note to Runt. He read it.

We half yur lil gurl. If you evar wont to see her agian you will leaf to hondred dollers by the big tree in the cemet cemat grave yerd toonight at tin pee-em or. . .

“Ah-ha.” Runt said. “I see. Yes. Quite.”

“Your kingship?”

“We have two very big problems with this note, Talwick.”

“What’s that, sir?” Talwick said as he scratched his head in confusion.

“First,” Runt said holding up a finger, “there are so many typos in this it’s practically useless.”

Talwick blushed. “Sorry, sir. Tried my best.”

“Quite alright.” He continued. “Second,”

He threw the note down on the chair and began jumping on it.

“YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE THE NOTE WHEN YOU TOOK THE GIRL, YOU BRAIN DEAD IDIOT!!”

Again the brood jumped as one.

Runt put his face in his hands.

“I swear if you weren’t my sister’s kid I’d trade you for steaks.” He mumbled into his palms. A sudden, horrible thought occurred to him. He looked up.

“Please tell me you didn’t leave the girl alone in that room with no locks on the windows.”

Talwick looked genuinely offended.

“No, sir! I’d never! I left Lenny with her.”

Runt sighed with relief and collapsed back into the chair. Lenny might be unique, mentally, but he was sharp as a tack and could follow orders. He looked at Talwick not hiding his annoyance.

“Ok, you listen, and listen good. You are going to take this stupid note back to the parents’ house, you’re going to slide it under their back door, and then you are going to run back here as fast as goblinly possible. If you get caught I am going to nail your ears to the floor. Do you understand me?!”

The young idiot saluted and ran to the front door.

“TALWICK!” Eventually the brood would stop jumping at the yells he was sure.

“Yes, my lordishness!”

Runt held the note out to him and tried to control his deadly fist of death.

Talwick walked back up to the royal recliner sheepishly and took the note. He held it in his hands straight out in front of him and once again bolted for the door.

Runt shook his head and hopped out of his throne. He made his way through the brood, trying not to notice how tired and hungry his family was. He made his way to the bedrooms. Peeking in he saw Lenny with his light green skin, orange bug-eyes, and massive under-bite sitting on a plastic children’s chair at a plastic table. They’d scavenged the things from an abandoned house just for this. The bizarre goblin held a tiny teacup by the handle between his thumb and forefinger and didn’t so much sip as pour the imaginary liquid into his protruding jaw.

“Thank ya, ma’am.” He said in his gravelly southern accent.

“You are most welcome!” came a cheerful child’s voice. Sara. The girl they’d decided to kidnap. She’d taken remarkably well to life in the brood house over the last day or so making friends with several of the goblins, Lenny especially. He had that effect on people.

Runt couldn’t help but smile. She was just so damned polite. They had no intention of hurting the girl, and if they didn’t get the money his plan was to just release her and try to find a way to feed everyone somewhere else.

“Hello, Sara!” He said, spreading his arms wide as he walked in. “How are we this afternoon?”

She turned to face him and held up her teddy bear.

“Mr. Runt.” She began.

“KING Runt, my dear.”

“Mr. Runt,” she continued, “This tea is lovely but we still don’t have any biscuits for our tea time. Shmoofy says that this may be against the Geneva Convention and may require swift, unilateral, international action.” She shook the bear at him.

Runt blinked. He looked at Lenny, who shrugged. He looked back at the little girl.

“The bear said all that?”

“Yes, sir. He did. He also says he has the number of several good lawyers and if you play your cards right he might be able to get you off with minimal prison time and a fine.”
Runt felt his cheek twitch. He took some deep breaths. He adjusted his royal crown.

“Yes. Well. I’ll see what I can do to find you some cookies. Until then, please tell SHMOOFY that I might be interested in hiring him as an advisor.”

With that, Runt spun on his heal and strode from the room. He snatched the first goblin he came to and pulled the girl close.

“Find someone with stealth. Go shoplift some cheap cookies. TWO packs. We give a few to the kid, the rest gets spread around with everyone, got it?”
The goblin, Runt couldn’t remember her name, nodded and ran off to enact is royal wishes. He walked back over to his chair and jumped in it. Hopefully Talwick would be back soon.

Terry and Delores rode Thunder around the streets of Natchez as the sun began its long trek to the western horizon, trailed by Elton on his Vespa. Delores would occasionally give him a direction to turn. That normally wouldn’t be a problem but the number of one way streets in Natchez made it maddening to get around, especially with several closed for construction. It meant a lot of backtracking and alternate routes.

“I swear,” Terry found himself grumbling, “if one more street is the wrong way I’m going to jump the curb and drive on the sidewalk. Elton can just catch up.”

Delores giggled.

“You’re cute when you’re mad.”

That shut him up for a few.

Eventually, they found their way northwest and gradually closer to the Mississippi River. The section of town had incredible historic buildings. None of them had been restored. The place felt ancient and forgotten. It probably wouldn’t be long before gentrification set in and all these buildings became AirB&B’s, or expensive lofts, or high end boutiques. Meanwhile, Larry and Cindy were barely scraping by. He felt his blood start to boil but he recognized it as impotent rage. There was an injustice and nothing he could do about it. He took several calming breaths as he sat at a red light.

Sitting there, Terry saw a goblin sprinting on the sidewalk in the opposite direction from them. He looked at Delores and she nodded.

She jumped from the back of Thunder and quickly barked her strange language. The glow surrounded her hands and Terry unconsciously leaned away from it. The glow formed a ball in her hands and right after Terry figured it was the last minute to do so, she threw the orb. It smacked the goblin in the back. The goblin rotated upside down and hung there waving its arms and shouting something about Jesus saving him.

Terry shook his head and watched Delores dry wash her hands and look appraisingly at her handy work.

“Fantastic, D!”

She shrugged.

“Not that great. It was supposed to be a glue trap.”

Terry shrugged back. “Still worked.”

He pulled Thunder onto the sidewalk and Elton followed suit. The bard looked at the goblin.

“What are we doing now?”

Terry walked around to face the goblin and knelt to get eye to eye with the creature.

“Hi.” He said.

The goblin closed his eyes and turned his head, thrusting a piece of paper out.

“Please don’t kill me! I’m supposed to get my ears nailed to the floor.”

Terry cocked his head to the side as if trying to see into the goblin. He WHAT?, he thought.

Terry unfolded the paper and read. The ransom note. He looked back at the goblin.

“You know you’re supposed to leave this when you kidnap the person, right?”

The goblin looked at him.

“I gathered, yeah.”

The little guy kept reaching down and picking up a pot and putting it back on his head where it would immediately fall off again, then repeat the process. Terry just shook his head.

“Ok. I’m not going to hurt you, little guy.” Terry watched for a reaction.

“You’re not?”

“No. I just want you to tell me if the girl is alright and what can we expect when we get there.”

“Oh. Yeah, Sara’s good. She was just chilling with Lenny when I left.”

Terry nodded.

“Good. That’s good. How many of you are there?”

The goblin seemed to think for a minute. He counted out numbers on his fingers a few times, looked at his booted feet, scowled, and then did more math on his fingers. Finally he looked at Terry.

“More than ten?”

Delores knelt next to him.

“I think that’s the best you’re gonna get with this guy.

Terry nodded.

“D, how many minutes does this trap spell last?”

She shrugged.

“Half an hour?” She gave him a wicked smile. “More than ten?”

“Cute.” He said. He turned back to the goblin.

“What’s your name?”

“Talwick.”

“Ok, Talwick. I’m going to leave you here. You should be free before the sun sets. I’m headed to find that girl. You seem like a nice enough guy. I’m going to give you time to hide before I come back, ok?”

The goblin blinked at him.

“You’d do that? For me?”

Terry smiled.

“I don’t think you’re a criminal, Talwick. You’re just mixed up in something. Just try to make better choices, ok?”

With that, Terry jumped back on Thunder, waited for Delores and Elton to get seated and then took off.

Delores continued to guide him. At a particularly long red light she asked what he’d been expecting.

“Terry, why are you letting him go?”

He looked over his shoulder at her.

“I dunno, D. He just seemed too innocent to be some kind of hardened criminal. There’s something else going on here. I just don’t know what it is yet.”

He reached in his pocket and pulled the note out, handing it to her. She read it. She looked at him.

“This reads like it was written by a child. The spelling is terrible. And only $200? Again, that’s kid logic. They always want either not enough money or all the money in the world.”

Terry nodded as the light changed and they began moving again.

“AND,” he said, “they don’t seem to realize they’ve kidnapped the child of a family that can’t afford to pay anyone to find their daughter. Let alone the ransom.”

Delores pointed at the next left turn. He took it.

“What are you going to do to them?” She sounded worried when she asked.

He shrugged. He had some inkling.

“I’m going to ask some questions. After that? It depends on them.”