Killing wasn’t something I particularly enjoyed. It just happened. Like how some people turned to the bottle to stop their emotions, or how some people resorted to harming themselves to feel something. My condition was similar in that regard. A feeling, as if someone gripped my heart, squeezing it, slowly pressing into it, making the organ on the edge of exploding.

I saw someone microwave their hamster for fun once. Its insides splattered across the glass door after spinning for half a minute. The disgusting sound and the horrible stench made them laugh and giggle and chuckle. I imagined my heart to be like that hamster with its guts spilling out of its steaming body.

The failure last year must have shocked that particular feeling out of my body as my heart felt fine besides the times I overexerted myself. I could live this life like the Goddess intended, without killing anyone.

I could wake up to my mom greeting me with her gentle smile and father telling a joke or an interesting story. But like a cancer that came back, that feeling found itself worming into my heart again. Today my heart began to constrict again.

I remember the first time I felt it. Every day on the way back from school, there was a person that always caught my attention. It was some old woman sleeping on the ground. Every day, every time, just like how the hands on a clock always turned, she was lying there on that piece of tattered cardboard. The same dirty clothes, the same dirty paper cup and the same annoying hunched silhouette.

There was one day when she didn’t sleep there. I felt relieved, it was a miracle. No more would my tiring walk be interrupted by some selfish person thinking the street was their own. I picked up and threw away her cardboard mat in a nearby trashcan.

However. The next day, she appeared again. The same dirty clothes, the same dirty paper cup and the same annoying silhouette greeted me on the way home. She was sleeping on the ground, on the naked pavement now. That was the moment when I felt my heart rip to pieces.

It was remarkable how much better it felt with her gone. Sure, her shocked expression when I jammed a knife in her throat surfaced whenever I slept, or ate, or studied, or went to use the toilet. But that was a small price to pay really. A small price to pay for protecting the only enjoyable moment of my lousy days.

A week after I killed her, Ann pulled me to the side to ask me something.

Seeing Alice’s sleeping visage in her bed made me finally remember where I had seen her face before. She was the first person I killed. Her overgrown dirty hair had hidden her face, but that sleeping position? It would never leave my memory. Hunched over as always, annoying as always.

Is this your doing Goddess? Why do the ones I killed keep appearing before me?

As if begging me, the arrow in my room had hovered in the air with no indication of dimming itself, giving me no chance to sleep even if I wanted to.

The magic lamps had all been turned off, making the hallway appear endless in the darkness. While following the arrow, I passed several paintings, suits of armor and vases with flowers. It was honestly impressive how each day, a new set of hideous flowers greeted me in the face.

It was a bit shocking to find out that the place it was pointing to was my personal maid’s room, but the evidence showed itself tucked deep in her closet. There was a whole box of items in there, jewelry, lockets and even a letter.

I had seen my fair share of these types of letters. Covered in hearts and elegant writings, it was a love letter. I didn’t like love letters. They never showed up alone at the meeting place.

It read like a typical love letter too, asking about the weather, his feelings and her feelings. There was even a little poem about her beautiful hair. Although the hair color didn’t match Alice’s. Actually, the letter wasn’t even addressed to her, it was to someone named Melissa.

Should I just kill her again right here and now? My heart felt like exploding the longer I stayed here. Planning a murder wasn’t hard. One, decide on the murder weapon. Two, find a secluded space. And finally, three, try not to let the Goddess interfere at the last delicate moment.

But how would I go about killing her? I couldn’t kill anything for that matter. A fly had buzzed around my room a few days ago. Smacking the thing had no effect as it simply flew away. The next day, opening the box I trapped it in, it was laying there dead. Yeah, I could just do that.

Her snoring didn’t even stop as I wrapped my hands around her squirming neck. They were too small however, not even reaching halfway across.

It was a futile attempt anyway, my right hand was in no shape to suffocate someone to death. I had to plan this out carefully.

Taking back my stolen goods, I left her to sleep peacefully for today.

***

“Young lady, is something the matter?” A pair of maids stood in the hall busily dusting away the displayed decorations. One of them was a vase with yellow flowers. “Do you want some candy?”

“Stop giving her whatever is in your pocket…”

This maid occasionally gave me candy. Her hair was braided in a ponytail that fluttered in the air whenever she turned. It reminded me of the braided bread I had seen once. The candy was strawberry flavored today if you needed to know.

I gave her one of my more practiced curtsies. “Thank you.”

“Ah, how cute!” Miss candy maid squealed.

“You’ve improved a lot haven’t you?” The other maid poking her own cheek had a mole above where her finger rested. It suited her.

“My lady, can you do this with your hands?” Her hands were sticking out from the top of her head. “Now tilt your head a little and say—”

“Meow?”

Candy maid fell to her knees in the middle of the hall. “Ah, my heart!” She looked genuinely hurt as she clutched her chest.

“Pfft! Ahaha! Stop teaching her to do silly things! Bwahaha!” Her mole shook as she laughed.

I didn’t know what was so funny to them, still this had become a routine of sorts every time I met them. Hearing their laughter echo across the hall did make me feel a bit more upbeat.

“Do you want to play with us today? But we still have some work left to do…”

“It’s okay, I don’t want to play today.” They both gaped at my words.

“Huh? Why not? Did something happen?” The candy maid shook her fist. “Who was it? I ought to really give them a talking to.”

“Ha… And what are you going to say to them? Even the miss over here looks scarier than you.”

“Oh, my little lady, how my heart aches for you!”

“You’re being a bit dramatic,” I said.

“Pfft!”

“Melissa! Don’t laugh! This is a super serious matter, she won’t play with us!”

I ignored her and turned to the other maid. “I’m on a mission today.”

“A mission you say? That sounds very serious,” she said. I nodded. “Well, good luck on your mission, and let us know if some scoundrel shows up okay?”

“We’ll beat them black and blue for you, miss!” I returned their wave with my own as I continued on with my mission.

The kitchen was always busy with several people flying around. There were many employees that worked and lived in the estate, and ensuring enough food for them was tiring work. A delicious smell wafting in the air made my mouth water a little.

“My, if it isn’t little, miss Esther. Apologies, but I already promised Lady Victoria to not give you any more snacks between meals.” He closed one of his eyes. “Here take this.” The chef snuck me a cookie, it tasted buttery.

“What are you making today?” I asked.

He made a "v" with his fingers and put it under his chin. “Hmm, we got our hands on some prime cuts of deer today. Pair that up with some wine reduced demi-glace and garlic infused mushrooms and there you have it. How does that sound?”

“Sounds amazing.”

“Haha! Amazing indeed! The little miss has always the best compliments.”

I asked him, “Then, can you make my plate have fewer mushrooms this time too?”

“Miss Esther, you shouldn’t be too picky with your food, you know? Even my daughter is taller than you.” He indicated with his hand her height. It was half a head above my own.

I pouted. “I can’t get taller by eating mushrooms.”

“On the contrary, I heard someone say mushrooms make you taller.” He smiled with a big golden circle on his mouth.

“Please?”

He crossed his burly arms. “That won’t work on me, miss.”

Fine, let me try that move. Hands above my head alluding to ears of some kind, tilt my head twenty degrees to the left, and finally. “Please?”

He stared sideways at me.

“Ha… But this is the last time okay?”

“Thank you my good sir.” I gave him my curtsy, making him give a hum of approval.

“Speaking of, have you seen my locket?”

His neck was bare today. “Did you lose it?”

“It appears so, keep an eye out for it okay? I will never serve you mushrooms ever again if you manage to find it.” He winked.

That should be easy enough if my plan works out. I had intended to take Alice’s whole box of stolen goods, but just like killing, I couldn’t move it. Couldn’t even budge it really.

It felt like it was glued affixed to whatever surface it touched. Even when I poked at it with something nearby, it didn’t move. I wonder if I could drink alcohol if this pattern continues. And that other thing.

I shook off the thought and went to stand in the forest-like garden. There, I stared at the gardener snipping off flowers from the tall bushes. The large scissors made quick work as he cut them across their body, letting their heads fall pathetically to the dirty ground.

“Well if it isn’t Esther, what brings you here to this old man today?” He went down the ladder upon spotting me.

“Hello, Sir Gardener. Do you know of any secluded spots in the garden?”

“Secluded you say? Are you playing hide and seek outside today? That’s good, someone young like you should take in the fresh air instead of staying cooped up all the time. I remember when— oh, my apologies, nearly fell into a ramble there. Let's see… there is the area behind the annex, the shed, oh. Maybe the abandoned church would be a good hiding place?”

“Abandoned church?”

“Shocking isn't it? The previous Duke was such a devoted man that he constructed a small church behind the annex where us staff live, or so they say. Don’t tell anyone about this, okay?” He whispered his next words.

“But the former Duke told me that the weekly trip to the main church in the duchy had taken too much of his time. ‘I need to visit the church every Sunday? Heavens, I don’t even have time to read through the daily reports!’ He then went on to order his men to construct a church in his backyard. Hah! What a remarkable man.”

My mind went blank while listening to him regale his story.

“It’s over there if you want to take a look, but be careful not to trip on the roots, okay?”

Hopping to where he had pointed, I found a thick forest. The leaves were plentiful enough to completely block out the sun, making the inside dim and uninviting.

Shouldn’t there be a path if there was a building in here? The former Duke must have been too busy to consider that point in his plan.

Feeling the sweat trickle down my back as I ventured forth, I considered whether or not he had played a joke on me. Right, but those juvenile kinds of jokes wouldn’t work on me anymore.

Leaning against a tree to catch my breath, I finally saw it. Sitting there smack dab in the middle of a sea of trees was a gray building. Nature had taken over it and countless vines spread itself on its walls, piercing through between its many holes. A green carpet of moss and grass welcomed me into this broken down church.

I had half expectantly pictured the Goddess statue to be in the same state of disarray. As if to shove it in my face, she stood there, in her always indifferent pose, looking down at me. It was infuriating.

A hole in the ceiling made the sunlight stream in, lighting up the broken brick particles around the Goddess giving her a faint glow. Tsk. Stop acting all important, the hole was just a coincidence.

The statue stood at the top of the altar, where vines had wrapped itself all over her feet and legs. Small cracks could be seen in her lower body but they all stopped once they reached her waist. Even when nature had done its damage, her face was untouched. Not a single crack nor a single vine covered her idiotic face. She just stood there, smiling like an idiot.

Don’t think you can stop me this time. Because my plan was foolproof.

Sitting down on one of the few usable benches, all I could hear was the soft rustling of nature. Leaves shook as the wind caught them, small birds chirped their songs, and a grassy smell filled the air.

This place would be perfect for a midday nap hadn’t it been for that thing standing over there. Closing my eyes didn’t help as I could still feel my skin prickle from her eyes. Maybe I should push her over.

“There you are, my sweet daughter.” My mom sat down beside me. “Did I wake you up?” I blinked a few times. The sun had shifted its position in the sky a bit.

I shook my head instead of answering. “Does the statue of the Goddess still make you feel uneasy?”

“How did you know?” I asked.

“You’re my daughter are you not? As your mother, I know everything that concerns you.” She stared at the statue. “But you know Esther, if there is someone to blame, then it would be me.”

“What do you mean?”

“If only I had been more careful that day, then those things wouldn’t happen to you…”

“It’s not your fault, mom,” I said to her.

“If not mine, then whose? Who can I blame if not myself?” My mom slumped her shoulders. “I’m sorry Esther… those things shouldn’t have happened to you…” She cupped her face.

“Mom.”

“And now we have to stay here for who knows how long…”

I gave my slumped-over mother a hug. “Mom, I’m fine.” Her face scrunched up, drawing lines between her nose and eyebrows.

“I’m having fun here at the estate. The food is good and the bed feels like sleeping on a cloud.” I listed all the interesting and fun things that I had experienced. The maids that would play with me, the chef that let me test his new recipes, and the gardener that always made sure the garden was in top condition. I told her everything until my breath ran haggard.

“I see…” Good, she didn’t start crying.

Her warm arms wrapped around me as her cheek nuzzled against the top of my head. “My daughter did all those things… I didn’t even notice.” Her voice rumbled through my hair.

“You’re my greatest treasure, Esther.”

We stayed at the abandoned church for a little while longer before a servant called us to dinner.

Sorry mom, but there was one thing I didn’t mention. One thing that I needed to do.