The moment I got in my car, I took several, heavy deep breaths as I willed myself not to cry. I swore that I wouldn’t shed any more tears over that man. He didn’t deserve them. I may not have that full time job or a lot of money, but I did have my pride. Once I had my emotions in check, I headed to my apartment. It was a small space with only one bedroom and one bathroom. The kitchen wasn’t huge, and the living room was just big enough to fit the minimal essentials to make it comfortable. It’s hard to imagine two people living here when one person barely fits. Most people would think I’m crazy to stay here and pay what I do for this tiny space. Then again, they didn’t get this view.

I walked over to the balcony door and pulled back the blinds before stepping out. I took a deep breath as the cool, fresh air hit me. The moment I stepped out of the tiny apartment, I was greeted by a view of the city. At night, the lights of surrounding buildings twinkled like stars across the sky. In the distance, shrouded by clouds, there was a breathtaking view of the mountains in the distance. It reminded me of when my grandfather would gather us all in his RV and vans and lead a convoy to the family cabin every summer. For one week, we all squeezed into a four-bedroom cabin with only two bathrooms. We would fish, swim in the lake, barbeque, and build bonfires with the wood my dad chopped himself. We had even built go carts with our neighbors and raced down the rough, gravel roads in front of our cabins.

Those summers were some of the best of my life. I was a teenager when the family trips became less frequent, and I was in high school when he sold the cabin. By then, majority of his grandchildren were adults, getting married and starting families of their own. He also sold his RV and the boat we used to go fishing on. He had started to go blind in one of his eyes and couldn’t drive in the dark, let alone a boat in the middle of a lake. Despite his health problems, he refused to allow anyone to do anything for him. This stubborn, eighty-year-old Filipino man was full of pride until the very end. Perhaps that’s where I got it from.

Lolo Danny has been gone for four years now. He wasn’t a man of many words in life, never complaining of the pain or discomfort. He left this world as quiet and peaceful as he had lived. He had laid down for a nap and just never woke up. He taught me to be self-sufficient, always telling me that I needed to know these little things so I would never have to depend on a man. But losing him had caused my anxieties to grow. My rock, my pillar…he was just gone in the blink of an eye. When I met Lance a few months later, I clung to him because he did the little things for me. I needed him or at least I had convinced myself I did. I wonder if my grandfather would be disappointed knowing I had done the exact opposite of what he had wanted for me.

I stayed on my balcony for a little while longer letting the troubles of the day just wash over me before I headed inside to get ready for dinner with my family. I didn’t live far from my parents. Everything here in Oakridge is fifteen minutes away. My brothers and I all stayed close to our parents, who lived in the same house that we grew up in. My Lola moved in with them after Lolo passed and their house was given to their oldest grandson - my brother Kyle. Considering how close I was to our grandfather, Kyle thought I should have gotten the house but like Lola, I couldn’t be in the house that Lolo lived and died in. 

When I got to my parents’ house, I wasn’t surprised the front door was unlocked. Despite Kyle being a police officer, they didn’t think it was necessary or dangerous enough to lock the damn thing. I shook my head as I walked in and slipped off my shoes.

I was greeted by my second oldest brother and Kyle’s twin, Tomas. He smiled as he announced my arrival, “Oh hey, Dani’s here everyone!”

Despite his name literally meaning “twin”, Tomas and Kyle couldn’t be any more different. Kyle was six foot two with pale skin, red hair, and green eyes. On a good day, Tomas was five eleven and a half. His light brown eyes complimented his golden brown tan and black hair. The youngest of my brothers, CJ, and I didn’t particularly look like either of the twins, but shared similar features. CJ and I looked so much alike, people often mistook us for twins even though he was three years older than me. We both had a naturally warm tan, auburn hair, and hazel eyes. 

I walked over to Tomas and gave him a big hug. “Hi Kuya Tomas,” I greeted. “Where’s Ate Val?”

“She’s picking the kids up from practice.” He put his arm around my shoulder and walked with me toward the kitchen. “You were supposed to hear about that job today, weren’t you?” I let out a heavy sigh, not really wanting to answer. “Ah shit, sorry sis.”

“Sorry for what?” Kyle asked as he shoved two lumpias in his mouth as one of my nephews hung on his arm.

“Noth…” I didn’t want everyone to know just yet. I can handle their lectures one at a time, but if they find out when everyone’s here…

“She didn’t get that job,” Tomas blurted out. Maybe only Kyle heard…

“What’s going on in here? The mood feels weird,” CJ said as he walked into the house, my parents a few steps behind him.

“Kitty didn’t get that job she applied for,” Kyle replied quickly. Those idiots can’t mind their own business!

“What? Why not?” my mom asked as she pushed past my brothers to get to me. “Why wouldn’t they pick you?”

“Maybe the other person cheated,” my dad chimed in.

“How do you cheat at getting a job, Pop?” CJ asked.

“Money? Blackmail? Sex?”

“Dad, what’s sex?” my nephew Kurtis asked as he let go of Kyle’s arm and dropped to the floor.

“Um…hugging really hard,” Kyle stuttered.

“Oh I love sex!”

“Aynako, Kurtis don’t say that!” my mom scolded. My nephew laughed like crazy as my mom shooed him out of the kitchen.

“It’s not a big deal,” I sighed as I grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge. “I just have to work harder next time.”

“Work harder? You already overwork yourself,” Tomas pointed out as he sat at the table. “Or did you forget what happened last school year?”

“Of course I didn’t forget,” I snapped.

“Aye, enough,” mom scolded as she let out a sigh. “It wouldn’t be so hard to find work if you were a nurse like I told you.”

This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. It always leads back to me not choosing the “right” career. My brothers all chose acceptable career paths according to my parents’ standards. Kyle is a police officer; Tomas is a pediatrician and just opened his own practice; and CJ is a personal trainer with his own gym and an athletic trainer for professional boxers and MMA fighters. They all make or are close to making six figure salaries, while I struggle to make about half their salaries. Intentionally or not, my parents seem to always find a way to remind me I’m lacking.

“It’s not too late for her to go back to school,” Dad noted. “She’s a smart girl. I bet she can become a nurse in no time.”

But I don’t want to be a nurse. That’s what I wanted to tell them, but I knew my words would just be background noise. They were already discussing what schools and courses I’d need to take to finally follow that career path they wanted. My parents always told me to follow my dreams, but they weren’t all too enthused when I said I wanted to be a teacher. They had expectations of me. I should have gone into the medical field like my brothers did. Even Kyle had been an EMT before he became a police officer. I was the only one that hadn’t lived up to what they wanted for me. And now I’m struggling because I chose wrong.

I let out a sigh and slipped out of the kitchen and headed to my old room. No one even noticed I had left as they discussed my life. It looked just as it did when I moved out – clean, tidy, and full of books. I became a teacher because I had so much I wanted to share with others. Being able to pass on the knowledge I had was the most rewarding thing in the world to me. I fell back into my bed and hugged one of the pillows. I wish my family would see things the way I did.

I looked up when I heard a light knock on my door. “It’s me,” CJ announced from the other side. “Can I come in? I’m not here to lecture you.”

“Fine,” I sighed.

I sat up in bed as my brother walked in. “I heard his girlfriend got the job.” Wow, straight to the point. “Was it because you had to take that leave of absence last year?”

I looked away from CJ’s gaze. After finding out Lance was cheating on me, I had a nervous breakdown and had to take time off at the end of the school year. I was a complete mess and CJ felt responsible. After all, he had been the one to introduce me to Lance. They had a mutual friend who was CJ’s fiancée’s cousin and Lance happened to be an old friend of the family. He first saw me when I went to watch CJ play basketball. Lance apparently begged CJ to introduce us for months until my brother gave in. He’ll never forgive himself for not sticking to his guns, but he couldn’t have known Lance would turn out to be a liar and a cheat. I never have and never will blame CJ for my heartbreak.

“Who knows,” I sighed.

“They could have taken the situation into consideration.”

I shook my head, “It wouldn’t have made a difference. I just wasn’t good enough. Just like always.”

CJ frowned as he sat next to me on the bed. “Scoot over,” he said as he playfully shoved me. “You’re not lacking, Danielle. He never deserved you in the first place.”

He put his arm around my shoulder as I rested my head on his. “I think there’s something wrong with me.”

“No there’s not.”

“I’m serious. Even before Lance, guys always thought I was too independent. Then I was too clingy. I didn’t think enough about things or I overthought everything. I wanted too much sex. Or we weren’t having enough sex.”

“Ohhhkay that’s enough of that,” CJ said as he let go of me and scooted away a little. “All those guys, they weren’t right for you. Lance had us fooled, but we won’t make that mistake again. You won’t. One day, you’ll meet a guy that loves you for all you are – quirks and all. He’ll look at you like you’re the only woman in the world and we’ll love him because he loves you.”

I stared at CJ for a moment. Of my siblings, he’s always been the closest to me. He supported me when no one else did. He didn’t care if I was rich or successful, he just wanted me to be happy. Maybe it was because we were closer in age. Or maybe it was because he reminded me of our grandfather. He just understood me better than the others.

“What if I never find him?” I whispered. “What if I end up alone for the rest of my life?”

“You won’t be alone,” he smiled. “You got us. You will always have us. Don’t go looking for love, Dani. It’ll find you when the time is right.” CJ smiled at me and gave my shoulder a squeeze as he stood up. “Seriously, sis, whatever you do, you know I’ll support you even if no one else does. I got your back. Just be sure whatever it is you do makes you happy.”

He ruffled my hair before walking out of the room. I sat in silence for a moment, taking in what my big brother had said. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the folded flier. I needed to be sensible while following my heart. If I can land this job, maybe it’ll validate my decisions. I can be happy and my parents can finally be proud. Who knows, maybe when it’s all said and done, I can finally find someone that makes me happy too.