I was twenty-four when my son was born. I remember standing in the delivery room, scared out of my wits as my whole life was about to change. The second I heard him cry for the first time I was filled with an overwhelming love. I knew I would do anything and everything for him when I held him. When his mother left us months later, I was determined to give him the best life possible.

I’ve had help raising him over the years, but it was still just us. He never asked about Annie. He never wondered what her face looked like or how she sounded. He didn’t know her at all. When she packed up and left without a word, she took any and every trace of her existence from our lives. Not even a photo of her was left. Ryan never asked why she left us. I’m glad because I wouldn’t know what to tell him. He wouldn’t have to live questioning his mother’s actions, but I will always be filled with resentment and anger toward her.

As I sat no more than one hundred yards from the library we had met, I just wanted to turn around and leave. But I wanted to be and do better for Ryan. Despite my reservations, I’m here. At least I know that when I walk these halls, I won’t run into her.

Knock, knock.

I snapped back to my surroundings when I heard tapping on my window. I looked up and smiled at the young, tall black woman. She stepped aside as I opened my door and stepped out.

“Hey Johnny,” Demi, Adira’s daughter, greeted as she gave me a hug.

“Hey Dem,” I said as I squeezed her back.

“Wow, I’m so used to seeing you in cartoon shirts, I almost didn’t recognize you,” she teased as she looked me up and down.

I didn’t think I was anything much different than I usually did. I was wearing jeans and a light brown zip-up hoodie with white T-shirt underneath. I traded work boots for sneakers. I didn’t think that would make much of a difference, but apparently it does.

“They’re anime shirts, not cartoons,” I laughed as we started heading toward my building. “Are you taking the robotics class too?”

“I take the same course, but in the daytime.”

“Then what are you doing here so late?”

“Club meeting. Mom wanted me to keep an eye on you. Jelly said to, and I quote, ‘horny little succubae’ away from you since she can’t ‘put the fear of God’ in them herself.”

I rolled my eyes hard enough I was sure they’d fall out. “I’m a grown man. You really don’t have to watch out for me. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be hanging around someone eleven years your senior.”

Demi shrugged. “It makes you look creepy, not me. Then again you don’t look like a sleaze ball.”

“Thank you…I think?”

“You’re welcome.”

Demi had a smile as bright and warm as her mom’s. I’ve known her since she was ten. She shot up like a beanstalk when she was in middle school and by the time she entered high school, she was significantly taller than her mom and brother. Still, I’d always see her as that little girl asking to sit on my shoulders to watch fireworks.

“I’m that way,” she said as she pointed to the building next door. “You’re sure you know where you’re going?”

“I know where I’m going,” I chuckled. “Have fun at your meeting. Tell your mom I wasn’t kidnapped.”

Demi stared at me with a serious face. “Johnny, seriously, please do not get kidnapped. You seem like the kind of guy that gets tied up and thrown in a van when someone offers you candy.”

I let out a loud laugh as I turned and started to walk backwards. “College is about THE experience, right? Who knows, maybe I’ll meet a girl that sweeps me off my f…”

She appeared before me like a bolt out of the blue and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. She was walking between two other women, but she was all I saw. Maybe it was the setting sun in the distance, but her auburn hair seemed to glow against the orange-reddish sky. Her smile was as beautiful as a twinkling star shining brightly in the clear night sky. She was wearing jeans that hugged the curves of her body, a white blouse, and dark blue cardigan. She could have been wearing a potato sack and I’d still think she was…

“Stunning…” By the time I realized I was speaking out loud, the word had already left my mouth. I looked over at Demi whose mouth had dropped open in shock.

“What did you say?” Demi asked. My whole face suddenly started to feel hot, prompting Demi to turn and look in the direction my eyes were fixed on. When she looked back at me, she was grinning. She leaned in to whisper to me, “Jonathan Park, did that girl just sweep you off your feet?”

I was still too spellbound to speak. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw a woman so beautiful it left me speechless. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time I looked at a woman like this. I don’t think I have.

Badum, badum.

Was I excited? Anxious? Whatever this feeling is, it’s exhilarating.

I’ve dated my fair share of women. They were all beautiful in their own ways, but this woman was on another level. I knew that you needed to really get to know someone to really know if your feelings were genuine, but it wasn’t just how she looked physically. She looked so carefree and full of life. I wanted to know what made her smile so brightly and laugh so jubilantly. I wanted to know what brought that twinkle to her eye that made my heart skip a beat.

As she and her friends got closer, I started to feel nervous. What if she talked to me? What would I say? I’m almost thirty, but I feel like a teenager in high school about to cross paths with their crush. Unknown fact about me: I’m not as confident as I look when it comes to women. I’m the wingman, not the star of the show. I turn into an idiot. I stumble and run into things. I can never get the right words out. And suddenly I can’t seem to get a grip on things - literally get a grip. I drop everything.

“I-I should get going,” I stuttered as I turned around, tripping on air as I started quickly walking away.

“Wait!” Demi called.

I looked over my shoulder and waved at her. “I’ll see you later!”

“But you’re going the wrong way, dummy!”

I stumbled as I came to a halt. Damn it. The woman and her friends were basically right next to Demi when I looked back. I pulled my hood up to try to fade into obscurity as I headed in the right direction of my classroom. You’d think someone that had dreams of grandeur as a musician would thrive in the spotlight, but I wasn’t too fond of attention, especially from women. Wanting to talk to this mystery girl was stirring up numerous different emotions in me. I really wanted to get to know her, but the idea of talking to her was giving me enough anxiety to make me sick.

I don’t have the courage to approach a woman. I never did. I let out a heavy sigh as I put in my wireless earbuds. It’s better to forget about it. When I got to the classroom, I noticed several students were already there. A few girls looked up at me as they whispered to each other. They were trying to be nonchalant as they pointed at me while they whispered or giggled. I sat at the first empty table I saw, dropping my backpack on the floor before putting my head down on the desk. I just want to get through this class without incident.

I’d caused enough of a ruckus earlier. I can only imagine what the mystery woman thought of me. I’d love to see her again, but the chances are I won’t run into her again. Besides, not many women in college – who are in the prime of their lives – are enthusiastic about getting involved with a single father. The unpleasant reminder was like a punch to the gut.

“Idiot,” I mumbled to myself as I tapped my forehead with my fist a few times.

I felt someone shake my arm and I sat up as I looked up to see a young man standing to me. He tapped his ear, motioning for me to take my headphones out.

“Class is about to start,” he said. He pointed to the empty seat next to me. “Mind if I sit here?”

“Not at all,” I responded.

He gave a small smile as he settled into the seat next to me. He held his hand out to me and introduced himself, “I’m Jeff.”

“Johnny,” I greeted as I shook his hand. 

Once Jeff sat down, we quickly learned that two grown men our size didn’t exactly fit comfortably with how these desks were set up.

“Feels a little snug,” he laughed. “Football player?”

“No, American football isn’t that popular in Korea. I used to box though.”

“You’re Korean?! I never would have guessed!” I was used to comments like that. I never fit in despite my mixed heritage. “I play for the team here. If you’re ever interested in playing, let me know. We can always use a big guy like you.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I chuckled. “Lemme scoot over so we both got some breathing room.”

We both moved our chairs over a little to create some space on the table. When I did, I felt something hit my foot. I looked under the desk to see what it was, picking up the pink pencil bag by my foot. I scanned the room to see if anyone was looking for it and froze when I saw the mystery girl sitting in the row over from me. What are the chances she’d be in my class sitting this close to me? Maybe this is a sign. I should take a chance, shoot my shot. Right?

Stay calm, Seojun.

“Excuse me,” I called out to her. She must not have heard me because she didn’t look up. I cleared my throat to get her attention. “Ahem.”

When she looked up her expression was soft, curious to see who was trying to talk to her. But it started to change into something resembling…annoyance. 

“Um, is this yours?” I asked as I held the pencil case out to her.

Her piercing stare was drilling a hole through me. Was she mad? I shifted uncomfortable in my chair, and I heard a chuckle coming from Jeff.

“Thanks,” she said stiffly as she took the pencil bag.

I nodded and faced forward. My heart’s still racing. Maybe it’s been the constant pestering about dating that has me a little more riled up than usual. No. That’s not it. For the first time in almost five years, I actually want to pursue and date a woman. I was lost in my thoughts as the professor started rollcall. 

“Johnathan Park,” the professor called.

“Oh, that’s me!” I declared as I jumped in my seat. “J-johnny’s fine, sir.” Light laughter surrounded me.

“Noted,” he said as he scribbled on his roll sheet. “Danielle Loughty.”

“Dani,” the mystery woman replied. I glanced over my shoulder at her as she sat staring straight ahead with her hand in the air.

She must have noticed me staring because her eyes turned toward me. I turned around as soon as our eyes met. I could feel the heat rising to my face and ears again. As much as I wanted to think of ways to introduce myself to Dani, I needed to focus on class. I wasn’t here to get a girlfriend.

I paid as much attention as I could in class, scribbling notes to anything I thought sounded important. I wanted to put my best foot forward. I had two engineering degrees under my belt, and I’d learned a good deal about software and computer engineering fundamentals along the way. At the time, it seemed like something that would be helpful with the direction Jangsu was taking so I took the initiative to earn multiple degrees. I may not have a future with the group anymore, but I can at least make my life in America better.

The bell buzzed, indicating the end of class and we all started to pack up our belongings. I couldn’t help but sneak another peek at Dani as I grabbed my backpack off the floor.

“She’s cute,” Jeff whispered.

“Huh?” I yelped as I jumped a little.

“That girl you keep looking at - Dani, right? She’s cute.” He motioned to her with a nod of his head as he grinned at me. “You should go talk to her.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Dude, you’ve been stealing glances all night.”

“N-no I haven’t!”

Jeff put his arm around me and grinned. “Come on. As a token of our new friendship, I’ll help with introductions.” He turned me to face Dani’s direction. “Hey Dani! I’m Jeff. I wanted to introduce you to my friend…”

“I have to go!” I shouted as I escaped my new friend’s grip. Dani raised a brow at my mini freak out. I hurried toward the exit, running into a few desks on my way. “Shit. I’m sorry. I gotta go.”

I could hear my classmates whispering and laughing at the scene I had just caused. So much for trying to look or act cool. I’ve truly become pathetic.