Noah

I watch the sun set over the top of the trees and feel my stomach rumbling. While it was cold during the day, it’s freezing now that the sun no longer warms our faces. Chris, next to me on the bench, has calmed down after I finally understood what happened. If he is shaking because of the cold, though, or because of his inner turmoil, I’m not sure. 

Apparently, his mom came home from work earlier than he expected. Why, he still doesn’t know. The important part is that he wasn’t alone in his room when his mother came to look for him to ask him what he would like to have for dinner. And she came in, seeing…well, he was already being fed dessert, if you know what I mean. 

Thoughts race through my brain while I listen to Chris recount the story with a red face.

“What about your…um…guy. Was it the one you mentioned before? The boy on the train?”

“No. That’s not …” Chris trails off, searching for words but gives up. “The guy from today…he is not a boyfriend. Heck, he isn’t even a friend. I just really wanted to hook up with anyone. It’s been killing me to finally have figured out who I am and not being able to act on it.”

I nod. That feeling hits quite close to home.

“We recently messaged over this app, and he is also trying to figure himself out, so I thought we might as well do it together.” I wince and Chris laughs at my expression. “I know. I shouldn’t have settled, but I was desperate. Am desperate. Anyway, the second he got his pants up, he bolted. And just before you arrived, I got a message from him that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with my mess.”

I bite my tongue to keep any unsolicited comment from spilling out. I, of all people, should not judge.

“I don’t know what to do,” Chris admits and puts his head on my shoulder. I’m emotionally exhausted, but nowhere near the level of what Chris must be going through. My exhaustion also comes from the building fear that this might be my future fate, too.

“Did your mom say she would throw you out, or did you just run off?”

Chris frowns, “I- I don’t know, it all went so fast. I don’t think she said anything about me leaving; she was more focused on hiding it. And telling me to never be with a man again, and so on.”

I scoff. “So she won’t kick you out on the condition you turn straight?”

“Easy, right?” Chris tries to joke, but it falls flat. He leans back. “I think she is trying to hide it from my father. He will be the one to throw me out, undoubtedly.”

“It’s only a matter of time, then.”

He sighs. “I should have listened to you.”

My questioning gaze forces him to continue. “At the café. When you asked whether I was prepared. I know that I was prickly about it, probably because I didn’t wanna think about why it would be necessary. And now Mom will be extra vigilant, making everything ten times harder.” Chris’s expression darkens. “I’m almost done with school. Maybe I can, you know, bide my time and then go with a bang. I won’t be able to go to college, though.” 

I’m glad we have moved on from the emotional part to the planning next steps part, because that’s something I’m good at. “You will have to work hard, but it’s not impossible,” I say and pick on the chips of paint coming off the bank we’re sitting on. “I have an old friend who is in the LGBTQ-community in college and there are more kids like you, who have experienced the same. I can ask her for advice on how to set you up for the future. There are people who can help, Chris.”

Chris draws in a shaky breath. “That sounds good.”

The next thing I want to say is a bit more sensitive because I can’t be one hundred percent sure that my mom would be on board, but I’m sure if it was an emergency, she wouldn’t say no.

“If it comes down to it, and you need a temporary place to stay, you can stay at my place to finish up with school, okay?”

Chris immediately shakes his head. “I will go back and talk to my mother first. If I keep it on the down low, she will probably allow me to stay and not tell my father. I don’t want to burden you anymore than I have.”

“You are not a burden, Chris. I…I consider you a close friend. I want to be there for you if you need it.”

Chris pauses and tilts his head to look at me. “I’m not sure how to say this without making a mess, but…do you have a thing for me or something?”

“God no,” I blurt out and immediately put a hand in front of my mouth. But Chris doesn’t seem hurt; instead, he laughs with relief. I also start laughing. “I can see where you got this thought from, but no. I feel a deeper connection to you because you were the first person to know about my orientation. That’s all. You aren’t really my type, either.”

Chris puts a hand above his heart, “Oof, way to build my self-esteem, honey.”

I know he is joking, but I feel a little bad about my bluntness. He eyes me, and I raise a brow. “What’s your type then? It seems to me like you have a certain someone in mind?” I can’t stop the blush from creeping up my face and Chris gasps. 

“Noah Victor Clemens Theodore De Clare-”

“Not my name.”

“Do you have a crush and haven’t told me? Is it someone from the Guatemala crew?”

I shake my head. I hadn’t meant to say anything, but honestly, Chris is the last person in the world who would judge me for my crush, and I have been dying to talk to someone.

“It’s the son of my mom’s best friend. We’ve known each other for ages but only recently got to hang out more.”
Eager to be distracted from his misery, Chris bombards me with questions about Tay. I can’t help it, I spill everything. The sun has long set, and we are both dying from hunger and freezing our toes off, but we don’t move, unwilling to disrupt this moment. Where we can both be ourselves, just two boys relaxing and discussing matters of love with jokes and some earnest words thrown in between. For the first time, I realize how burdensome it has been to be back home. I thought I could pretend for a few months before starting the summer courses at college. But I was wrong. I don’t want to return to this cage.