Ryan giggled as I hugged him tightly and placed a big, long kiss on his round, plump cheek. “Daddy,” he squealed as he tried to wiggle out of my hold, “your chin is itchy!”

“Is not. Dad shaved this morning,” I retorted. “Maybe you’re the one growing facial hair. Stop growing up. You’re making me sad.”

“Don’t cry or I’ll call the waaaaambulance!”

My favorite part of getting off early is spending time with Ryan. His current pre-school let out early on Fridays and it wasn’t absolutely necessary for me to be at work on Fridays unless we were doing a project. Believe me, I took every opportunity I could to be at home with his little butterball. It surprised me when he begged me to let him sleep over at Jelly’s. She had younger brothers and they invited him over to play video games all weekend. The kid’s four and he’s already ditching me to pull all night gaming sessions.

“Do you need me to pack your stuff?” I asked as I tossed my son over my shoulder, letting him dangle behind me as I kept a firm grasp on his legs.

“I can do it. I’m a big boy now,” Ryan announced proudly.

“Says the kid in the Paw Patrol underwear.”

“What pictures do you have on your underwear?” I felt Ryan tugging on the waistband of the back of my shorts and I gently yanked him back to carry him in my arm.

“Hey, don’t go digging in people’s pants,” I warned.

“Daddy has a big butt,” he laughed.

I let out a sigh and kissed the top of his head. “You sure you wanna sleep at Jelly’s? I can come pick you up when you’re done playing games.”

“It’s ok. I like hanging out with Ivan and Martin. Will you be ok, Daddy?”

I let out a dramatic, heavy sigh. “I don’t know. My baby boy is trying to leave me already.”

“I told you. I’m a big boy now!”

I groaned as I clutched my chest, feigning being hurt. “Tear my heart right out each time you say that, why don’t you?”

Ryan hugged my neck as tight as his little arms allowed him to. “Don’t be sad, even when I’m an old man I’ll still be your baby.”

I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a good squeeze. “Thanks, bud.”

When I released him, Ryan took off as soon as his feet hit the ground with me following behind. In a few months, Ryan will be turning five. I put him in a preschool so he could get used to the setting, but he was way ahead of the rest of his class. I’m not saying my son is a genius and smarter than every other kid in the world, but he isn’t getting challenged. He’s able to do his work on his own, but he’s also not getting any attention from the teacher. He just sits off by himself until Adira comes to pick him up and that’s concerning to me.

When Winston Henley called me to his office to tell me I was being assigned as the engineer for the Westerly project thanks to my proposal, I immediately investigated the school and their background. It was a prestigious school with a high graduation rate, sending more than three-quarters of their student to high-ranking colleges and ivy leagues. I called the school to introduce myself to the principal and he talked me into looking at the campus to see if it would be a fit for my goals for Ryan.

The last thing I imagined happening was seeing Dani there. It was awkward between us to say the least. I’d spent a week basically ignoring her and even missing class so I didn’t have to see her. Childish, yes, but I couldn’t stand seeing her after how embarrassed I was. I did my best to stay professional, but everything inside of me wanted to say something to her. It bothered me that even after what she had said to me, how crushed I felt at her cold, bitter words, I still wanted to be near her. I wanted to hear her laugh, see her smile. It made me feel…pathetic. 

“Did you make up with your friend?” Ryan asked as he started pulling random sets of clothes from his drawers and tossing them messily into his tiny school backpack.

“Not really,” I sighed as I picked up the clothes he was throwing around. “I think we decided not to be friends. I don’t think she likes me too much.”

Ryan stopped and slowly turned to face me. “She was your girlfriend?”

“Do you know what a girlfriend is?”

“Of course. A girl that’s a friend. Aunt Jelly is your girlfriend. Uncle Theo, Uncle Mateo, and Uncle Nico are your boyfriends.”

“You don’t tell people that do you?”

He smiled brightly and nodded eagerly. “Henry from class said his dad has a boyfriend too. Pat said he has two moms.”

I bit my lip. He’s such an innocent, sweet boy. “Son, there’s a difference between a girlfriend or boyfriend and a friend that’s a girl or a boy. Friends that are girls or boys are just that – friends.”

“What about girlfriends and boyfriends?”

Was I about to have “the talk” with a kid barely taller than my waistline? “Well, they’re someone you really like and they like you back so you spend a lot of time together.”

Ryan scrunched up his little face and scratched his head. “Uncle Theo said that lady is your girlfriend because you’re always with her and talk about her all the time. How come she doesn’t want to be your friend anymore?”

“I really wish I could tell you, Ry,” I sighed. 

“That’s not fair. I wanted to meet her. I was going to invite her to the amusement park. You have to make up with her, Daddy.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Yes, it is! Just say you’re sorry.”

“Ryan, sometimes saying sorry isn’t good enough.”

“You’re just not trying!” Ryan yelled as he stomped his foot and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Jonathan Ryan Park Jr., you do not yell at me,” I scolded sternly. “Uncross those arms this instant.”

“No! You’re being a meanie!”

I stood up and glared at my son. “Young man, you have to the count of three to apologize to me or you’re not going anywhere.”

He spread his legs shoulder-width apart, keeping his arms crossed as he made an angry face at me. He was really going to stand his ground here.

“One.” No reaction. “Two.” Still nothing. “Last chance. Thr…”

Right at the last second, he dropped his arms and his frown turned into a pouting face as he mumbled, “Sorry.”

“That wasn’t very nice, Ryan.”

“You have to make up with your girlfriend though.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” I sighed as I pulled the piles of shirts from his backpack. Was he planning to wear shirts only this weekend?

“Uncle Theo said you like her.” He groaned as he climbed onto his bed and started swinging his legs back and forth over the edge.

“Yes, well, she didn’t like me the same way. I was only helping her with something.”

“Is she pretty?” he whispered.

I paused as I pulled out some proper outfits for him to wear. I couldn’t help but smile as I thought of Dani. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen her in a week, but she looked really pretty earlier. She had changed the subject after I subtly told her I was a father. I knew she saw Ryan’s booster seat in my back seat the first time she rode in my truck, but she didn’t question it. I’m sure she had questions but didn’t want to make assumptions. She probably convinced herself that it belonged to a niece or nephew since I didn’t talk about Ryan to her. To be fair, I don’t tell anyone about him. I prefer my private life to stay private. But I would have eventually if we hadn’t had a fall out.

I asked her if I could take a few shots of the work site and she obliged. While I was snapping a few pictures, she looked away for a brief moment and the light was caught behind her as her hair fluttered in the breeze like a scene out of a movie. She smiled warmly as she watched her students running around on the field across the way. When I looked back at the photos, I had mistakenly captured the moment but I couldn’t bring myself to delete the photo. 

“She’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen,” I smiled.

“Prettier than mo…”

“Than who?” I think he was about to ask about…

“Can I bring Patches?” he asked immediately. Patches was a stuffed penguin he had since he was a baby. The doll had a brush with one of Theo’s dogs and I had to repair it with random pieces of fabric in random places – hence the name “Patches.”

“Patches can go with you if you tell me why you’re so insistent on me making up with my friend.”

Ryan’s smile faded once more. What’s going on with him? “I don’t want you to be lonely.”

I let out a sigh as I sat next to him on the edge of his bed. “Who said I’m lonely?”

“Everyone. They said you only work and take care of me and you don’t ever have fun.”

 “Come here, buddy.” He climbed into my lap as I wrapped my arms around him. “There’s nothing funner or more important in the world than being with you. Don’t you worry about me. I’m fine, ok? All I need is you and your happiness.”

I felt a small damp spot forming on my shirt followed by a small sniffle. I don’t know what’s been going on, but it concerns me that he doesn’t think he can tell me. I let him cry silently until he fell asleep. I laid him in his bed and finished packing for him properly. I made a mental note to have a talk with everyone about what they say around him. For the most part, my friends are good about not talking about sensitive subjects around Ryan but there are times when things slip.

I let Ryan sleep for a few hours before waking him to have an early dinner with me. I made him his favorite – fried garlic chicken. I watched him as he happily munched on the crunchy food, letting out sounds of approval with each bite. I obsessively checked the clock as time winded down to when Jelly and Vince would come to pick Ryan up. It made me increasingly anxious. What if Ryan got scared? Or missed me? Who am I kidding? I’m going to miss him like crazy. It’s only going to be two days, but we’ve never been apart this long.

When the time came for him to leave, I couldn’t find it in me to let him go. I held Ryan for what seemed like eternity. For the first time in nearly five years, I was about to be alone. He promised to call before he went to bed and again when he got up in the morning. I knew they had plans to go to the amusement park tomorrow, I wouldn’t hear much from him so Jelly promised to send plenty of photos. As soon as he was gone, I was very aware of how quiet and large this house was. 

I could hear each step I took, the whipping of the ceiling fan cutting through the air, and the light hum of the electronics. Despite the house being filled with furniture, toys and office equipment, it felt extremely empty. I had physically been alone before, but this feeling of loneliness was a new sensation I wasn’t used to. Nor did I like it. This time alone only leaves me to my thoughts and that’s a dangerous thing.

I couldn’t get Ryan’s words out of my head. He’s never asked about Annie before. He’s also never wondered if I was lonely. Sure, raising him with someone else would be nice. I have Theo, Mateo, Jelly, and Adira, but they go home at the end of the day. They have their own lives as well. I’m grateful to them but having “uncles” and “aunts” isn’t the same. But then again, I’ve been doing this on my own for almost five years now. Single parent homes aren’t uncommon anymore. It’s better to have one parent that gives you everything they have than two and one be indifferent toward you.

The whole conversation led to a restless night filled with nightmares and anger. Memories of Annie being so distant from Ryan after he was born filled my head. The anger I felt when she just disappeared from our lives filled every part of me. I was raised to never say I hated anyone, but Annie was the closest I’d ever been to the feeling. In the morning, I packed an overnight bag and headed to Theo’s. I couldn’t stay another night by myself in this house.

“I can’t remember the last time you suggested we drink,” Theo teased as I walked into the house.

“What are you talking about? We went out drinking last week,” I reminded him. 

“It was Matty’s idea and you tapped out after two beers.”

“I had somewhere to be that night.”

“That’s right. That girl called you and you went running.”

“I didn’t ‘go running’ and that won’t happen again,” I sighed as I dropped my bag and fell back onto the couch. “I tried and failed miserably.”

“Well, at least you know now. Has your view on dating changed?”

“Eh,” I shrugged. “I mean, we were working on a school project so was it really dating?”

“You two spent more time alone than you did with the other group members. You were texting nonstop too. You went all in on that flirting stage.”

“Only to crash and burn though. She didn’t even consider me a friend.”

“Yea, that’s unfortunate and embarrassing. Totally misread that one.”

I let out a groan as I rubbed my face with my hands. This push and pull with Dani was exhausting. If it were anyone else, I would have walked away. I’d tell myself that it was just a trivial crush and I’m too grown to entertain such a fleeting thing. But our paths keep crossing. It’s as if fate is telling us that this story has only begun to be written. I’m a fool for continuing to cling to this one-sided relationship, but I can’t bear to walk away from it either. She made it very clear that she wasn’t interested, so for my pride and sanity I’ll pretend as if I don’t feel these things for her. 

“Can I set you up on dates now?” Theo asked.

“That’s a hard pass,” I groaned as I heaved myself into a sitting position. “I’ve struck out more times than I care to admit and this one was the worst. I’ll let shit happen naturally from here on out.”

“Who says something can’t happen naturally on a blind date? It’s just helping it along.”

“You sound like my mother. She was dying for me to come home so she could set me up.”

I smiled for a moment at the thought, but it quickly turned into sadness when I remembered that my mother and I haven’t spoken in years and probably won’t again until my father passed. She loved her children, but Park Minjun’s word was law. 

“Half of them think I’m out for a green card anyway,” I half-joked. “Dual citizenship seems to be a concept as foreign as me.”

“That’s depressing,” Theo sighed as he headed to the kitchen. He pulled out two chilled shot glasses from the freezer and a bottle of tequila and one of soju.

“Jesus, you really wanna party tonight don’t you,” I laughed as I joined him at the kitchen island.

“You’re talking about your sad ass love life and Nico’s out drinking with his friends, so might as well have the good stuff, right?”