I stared at the bottles of alcohol on the counter as he poured tequila in one and soju in the other. To be honest, I’m not one for hard liquor. It’s not that I can’t handle it, but I tend to continue drinking it beyond my limits. But tonight seemed to be a “beyond limits” night.

I let out a heavy sigh as I grabbed the shot glass filled with soju and tossed it back, the cold liquid burning my throat as it went down. This is a terrible idea, but to hell with it. The girl I like hates me and my four-year-old ditched me for video games. The only thing I can do now is drink to forget how pitiful my life has become.

I put the empty glass in front of Theo and tapped the rim. “You wanted to drink so don’t get shy on me now,” I said.

“So,” his voice was slow and low. He wanted to know about something. “I heard about what Walter said at that meeting.” I could see his hand clutching the neck of the bottle. 

There’s history between Walter Henley and Theo that I didn’t know about. It apparently happened when I had gone to Korea on summer break, but when I returned no one would talk about it. All I knew was it was part of the reason Theo took whatever shit Pasley threw at him. It also gave Walter the idea he could talk to us however he wanted.

“You know how he is,” I sighed as I tossed back another shot.

“He spews hate and you say it’s no big deal?”

“What’d you want me to do? Punch him in front of the client? I’d love to beat that piece of shit into the ground until there was nothing left to wipe off the bottom of my shoe, but we both know I can’t. We report the racist bastard and nothing happens.”

“And that makes what he said ok?”

“I never said that. It’s not right, I know that. I promise you one day he’ll get what’s coming to him. Yesterday just wasn’t that day. Though if we run into him on the street tomorrow, I can’t promise tomorrow won’t be his day.”

Theo stared at me for a moment.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he smiled as he poured me another shot before filling his own glass, “I’m just wondering what got into you. You’re aggressive and sounds like you were itching for a fight from the way Matty told the story. I haven’t seen you this worked up since Annie left.”

Even the sound of her name left a bitter taste in my mouth. That woman pushed me to my limits only to tell me she couldn’t handle it. As if life with her was a walk through a field of fucking daisies. I reached over and grabbed the soju bottle, drinking every last drop.

“Yea well between Henley, Annie, and my lacking love life, it’s enough to stir something up in the most emotionless of men.”

“Are you really this upset about some chick who from the get-go you said she didn’t seem to care for you? I’m dead serious. You guys get a little friendly and she shut you down faster than a roach infested restaurant. Yet you kept holding on to this fantasy as if it were some romance novel.”

“Hey! You’re the one that pushed me to go for her!”

“Yea and you should have known when to throw in the towel! Not like she didn’t flirt back with you with those winking emojis. Aren’t you pissed?”

“Who wouldn’t be? It’s not her fault though. I let myself fall for this delusion despite knowing she couldn’t stand me. I don’t even know why she hates me so much, but she keeps pulling me back in. She didn’t have to entertain the conversations we had over text or laugh at my stupid jokes. She didn’t have to spend hours with me after class and on our days off. She shouldn’t have started calling me Seojun…”

Theo’s head snapped up as he stared at me with wide eyes. “Seojun? You told her your actual name?”

“I did. She only said it a few times. We fought right after, so…” I let out a shrug and sighed. “What’s the big deal?”

He put the soju bottle in his hand in front of me and leaned against the counter. “What else did you tell her?”

“I don’t know, not much,” I shrugged. “We talked about what food we liked. How I grew up in Korea. She told me about her family. I think I talked about my parents and siiblings.”

“So she knows the whole situation with your dad? And Ryan? How did she feel about him?”

“We didn’t really get that far.”

“About your dad disowning you or Ryan?”

Oh he’s not going to like my answer. “Both?”

“What the fuck?” Theo shook his head. “You’ll tell her you like to fry chicken, but not that you have a kid. You’re really something, you know that?” He laughed to himself. “Just when I think you really are making progress and opening up, you’re still hiding shit. When are you going to stop being afraid of letting people in? Is it so bad that people get to know the real Park Seojun? When was the last time someone called you that aside from this woman? Aren’t you tired of being two different people?”

I took a long swig of my soju bottle. Of course I wanted people to know the real me. I wasn’t just Park Seojun or Johnny Park. I was both, one or the other, and at the same time I wasn’t either of them. Not many people knew both sides of me, but Dani had been the one to ask. She wanted to know who I was. Which is why her declaration threw me off. And why her actions yesterday confused me. It was like she was holding me arm’s length but refusing to let me go. It's been a while since I’ve been in a relationship, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s supposed to go.

“I’m tired of trying to please everyone. But what choice do I have? The guys at work depend on me to be the boss. I have to be a team player at school because if I fail, so do the rest of them. Despite everything, I’m ‘Dad’ above all. I don’t get to be one person. I have to be all these people and more. Sometimes I don’t even think you know the real me,” I replied absentmindedly.

“That hurt,” he said as he took another shot. “I’ve been here for you since you got to America. Through it all, it’s been me that’s stood by you. Don’t tell me I don’t fucking know who you are. You’ve never been the most open person, you know. Yet you share your life story – minus the fact you have a kid – with a woman you’ve known for maybe a month and a half. Shit, you let her call you by a name you didn’t even like us calling you. You wanted to forget your life as Seojun because you didn’t want to be reminded that your family abandoned you.”

I snapped my head up and frowned. “Hey…”

“Your words, not mine. You had the opportunity to go back home, yet you stayed. You buried Park Seojun away. That was you.”

“What was I supposed to do? Abandon Annie and Ryan? She would have gotten rid of him! I had no choice. I had to stay. Besides, all that follows Park Seojun is grief and pain.”

“And all that follows Johnny Park is a lonely life. You got us and the kid, but you only ever do things for other people. You never allow yourself to have anything for you. You don’t date. Don’t go out. When was the last time you even played your guitar? You finally got away from that tyrant and you convinced yourself that you needed to stay stuck in this miserable life like some fucking martyr. Self-sacrifice isn’t always noble. One day, you’ll have to stop running from whatever it is you’re afraid of and decide which version of you you’ll be.”

“The only person I want to be tonight is Drunk Johnny,” I half-joked. I finished the second bottle of soju and handed him yet another empty bottle. “I want to forget about Annie, my father, and Danielle Loughty.”

My head is pounding. How many bottles of soju did I drink? When did I switch to tequila? Why did I switch to tequila? That’s right, I finished the soju. Mateo went to get more, so Theo and I shared the…third bottle of tequila? I vaguely remember rambling on about Annie. Then it was about Dani. I’m pretty sure I bragged about Ryan and made myself sad. They never stop me when I start talking, letting me get out anything I wouldn’t normally when I’m sober.

As I always do when I’ve had too much to drink at the Ramos home, I stripped down to my underwear and crawled under the covers in the guestroom. My overnight bag is too far. Actually, I don’t remember where I put it. I’ll need to find it in the morning. It was quiet, dark and on the opposite side of the house from the other bedrooms. The perfect place to sleep off the liquor without getting disturbed. 

I can usually sleep peacefully and through the night, but something was different tonight. I was getting restless. It may have been my imagination, but I think the bed was moving. Did the dogs get into the room? I swear I closed the door when I came in here and Theo, Mateo and Nico all know to leave me be when I’m sobering up. And why is there so much heat coming from behind me.

I let out a groan and rolled onto my back when something hit me in the face. That kind of hurt. Definitely not an animal paw. I briefly opened my eyes and a figure slowly came into vision. Hm. Kinda looks like…a woman. I chuckled to myself. I must really be drunk if I think that there’s a woman in bed with me.

Wait a minute. Did they hire an escort to get in bed with me again? That was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I paid that poor woman three times her rate to literally leave me alone. I blinked a few times to try to get my eyes to focus. She didn’t look like she was trying to touch me. The more I think about it, she kind of looked familiar. Kind of like…

My eyes flew open as I stared at the ceiling, too afraid to confirm if it was who I thought it was. Her hand was on my arm though, groping at my forearms then my chest. Oh no. This isn’t good. I mean, it is. A little too good. I usually hate when people touch me, but this wasn’t unpleasant. In fact, I think I might like it. A familiar jolt of electricity emanated from where she touched my body. I heard her gasp and turned my head just as she did too. For a split second, all we did was stare at each other as we tried to process what was going on. I felt her hand tremble against my chest before Dani let out an ear-piercing scream and shoved me right out of the bed.