We drive back from a concert and at the end of the trip, she has her friend in the backseat. My ex's friend's name's Carmen. And Carmen's a pretty punk with large tattoos and a stylish undercut. Carmen's the type to be the first to jump into the center of a moshpit and only ask questions when she already had a bloody tooth from getting punched in the face by a rocker. She always has a good story and is rarely ever boring. 

Carmen's a badass.

I'm... not. 

But my ex always told me that she liked that about me. "Kai, you're quiet. You keep me balanced." She says with a smile, kissing me on the lips. "You're precious, you know? Like a teddy bear. Always there for me."

It's funny what people say when they really don't mean it. Or they stop meaning it, eventually, when you stop looking so shiny and new and start looking like a chore. 

We get back from a concert that I'd planned in an effort to become less of a chore to my ex. Something spontaneous and sexy with fishnets and fog machines. And my ex loved it. And Carmen did too. And I thought I did.

I'm shy and awkward, but I'm not entirely clueless. But I am a babe who loves denial (The Nile is a river in Egypt.) And Carmen's staring at my ex the whole time. I just can't prove it. 

"I'm s'drunk." Carmen slurs. Then pats me sympathetically on the shoulder. "Rock on, Kai."

"Rock on, Carmen." I answer back, shaking my head, "damn, you're sloshed. You need help?"

My ex taps me on the shoulder (it hurts to say her name even as this blanket smells just like her) -- "it's okay, Kai. I got it. Sit here. You drove a long way, just rest." And I soften because she kisses me on the cheek and it's been a while since she kissed me on the cheek. She'd been drawing away from me a lot lately. And if we so much as accidentally brushed hands, she'd pull away as if stung. 

I tried to be understanding. I assumed she was stressed from work. I do that now. "Okay, babe." I tell my ex. "Make sure Carmen gets in safe."

"I will." 

And my ex slings Carmen's arm around her shoulders and helps her up the front stone steps. My ex is so kind, I think. They lean into each other like two trees fallen in a storm. And I'm staring at them in the rain in my headlights. But then they get even closer and my ex has her arm around Carmen's lower waist, her fingers tied in Carmen's belt loops. And I try to look away because they're just friends and I can't be a jealous witch, right?

And then Carmen straightens up as soon as she hits the door and they pass behind a tree. But the thing is, with the way I'm parked, I see everything even if they assume they're hidden.

I guess they didn't account for the angle though because Carmen points back at my car and laughs-- in a way that's decidedly not drunk. (In fact, I now recall I hadn't seen Carmen drink anything but carbonated soda). And my ex laughs too and my fingers got a death grip on the steering wheel because WHAT'S SO FUNNY? I WANNA BE IN ON THE JOKE TOO AND--

And then Carmen holds my ex in a parting embrace that lasts way too long and my ex laughs in a way that I haven't seen in a long time. Then Carmen's hands go lower and lower and soon, she's cradling my ex's ass in her hands and...

And...

I wish I could say I drove away after that. 

I didn't. 

I drive my ex all the way back home as, without even looking at me, my ex confesses: "I'm in love with someone else."

And I tell her: "I know."

And I can feel my heart shatter into a million pieces. It feels a bit like dying, I'd imagine. 

That concert's the last concert I've been to since forever. Unless you count the ones I watch while hiding behind my computer screen. 

Because hiding is better than being hurt. 

Isn't it?