Love … really, really, really hurt. If I could close my heart for good, if I could turn a blind eye to whatever he did, I would do it instantly. If only it was possible for me to banish Vincent from my heart, with all the horrible things he had done and continued doing to me.

I tried ignoring him. Our text messages were practically dead ever since the last time.

But it seemed, almost purposefully, Vincent made sure I couldn’t forget about him. When I ate lunch at the university cafeteria, I saw him every single time. Felt his gaze on me when I ate my fruits, or the sandwich I had prepared at home, and scoffed. As if he mocked me, because I didn’t want to waste my money on the food at the cafeteria. 

Another time, I sat in the library and tried to study and prepare for an upcoming presentation I had, and that was when I saw Vincent, and met his girlfriend for the very first time. 

When I heard Vincent’s voice, first, that handsome chuckle he had, and that Hey he used to call me with, I turned around immediately, hope loudly igniting inside of my heart. Maybe he was here for me. Maybe he’d searched for me, maybe he felt bad. Maybe, just maybe, he had lied about having a girlfriend, and actually, he wanted to be with me. 

I shouldn’t have turned around. I should have ignored his stupid, stupid voice; and I wished my heart would shut up and learn what my head already knew! He wasn’t worth even a second of my damn time! 

Because he hadn’t called me. He didn’t smile for me, nor did he chuckle upon seeing me. Stomping right past me, as if I didn’t exist. Not even his eyes acknowledged me, but his smile robbed me of my breath, nonetheless, and my chin quivered.

My gaze followed his steps towards the computers further down the library, where a girl giddily smiled up at him, hopping onto her feet with her flowing dress bouncing in response, and her sweet, golden curls hopped back-and-forth, and my god … she was absolutely stunning. Gorgeous curves, beautiful hair, a gentle, innocent smile, and an overall package of simple perfection. And she was so, so happy to see him. 

I gawked when he leaned into her, flipped her hair behind her ear ever so gently, and gave her a kiss onto the lips, forcing my heart to shatter into thousands of tiny pieces. The girlfriend was real. His feelings were real. He’d never touched me that softly, not even the first time we’d kissed. With me, it had always been lust and horniness, hadn’t it? If only I had known he could be so sweet …

But if his girlfriend was true, and all the words he’d spoken during our last meeting, that didn’t change the fact that he was an absolute asshole! Cheating on that beautiful woman, who carried herself so gracefully, who deserved the world … My head dropped into my book in a loud smash, and I groaned, trying so desperately to keep the tears inside my eyes.

What do I do, now? She’s so cute … I don’t want her to be sad. 

Do I keep it to myself? Do I tell her, do I warn her? Do I give her hints? Do I try to figure out who she is, get her number, and anonymously send her proof? No, but Vince would immediately know it was me … 

Shit. I’m gonna cry. 

Hiding myself inside my book, tears drooped onto the page, sure to wet and wave the paper and ruin my book if I kept this up. Silent tears slipped down my face, turning me into a shimmering, quivering mess.

Forced to listen to those two flirt, hearing them kiss and giggle and banter with one another like a proper, adorable couple … Then, to figure out her sweet name was Amelia, and she was truly, truly … a gem! She had prepared some snacks just for Vince, which she hand-fed to him, even though the library didn’t allow food inside; and he enjoyed every bite, thanked her for it all, and kissed her on the cheek each and every time. 

“Should we go to the movies tonight?” Vincent asked her at some point, and already, my lungs and throat filled with agonizing snot. He had never asked me anything even remotely like it. It was always me asking him to spend time with me. Always me offering dates, always me putting in effort … And here he was, doing everything for this girl. 

“Oh, yes, yes! Which movie should we see?” Amelia giggled, and already, they hunched over and peeked at her phone to pick out a movie together, choose the perfect time, and already ponder about all the snacks they would eat. 

I felt horrible. Why did I suddenly think that I was the horrible person? I was the problem? Because I was the one that had gotten in-between those two, even though I hadn’t known? 

In the end, a sob crept out of me, and it echoed through the quiet library all the louder, only amplified by the silence we all found ourselves in, and more than one or two heads turned towards me out of curiosity, with no exception for those two. 

In the corner of my crying eyes, I found Vince’s eyes turn darker, as if he truly hadn’t noticed me there. At some point, I had thought he taunted me on purpose, but he was truly … indifferent about me. Up until now, I hadn’t existed, even though I had been this close next to them! 

But his girlfriend, the sweet soul she was, immediately snapped up in a gasp. “Oh my gosh! Are you okay?” When she approached me in quick steps, only to kneel beside my chair and wipe my tears off my face, even though she had no idea who I was, I couldn’t stop my tears from coming any longer. I cried on and on as she wiped them off each and every time, and Vince approached in slow, cautious steps, wanting to pull her off of me.

“Hey, let him be,” he muttered. “You’re embarrassing him.” 

“No, but, oh my goodness, don’t cry,” Amelia sulked, and she tried to give me a comforting smile. My whole face cramped and twisted in my pain, and I didn’t even dare look up at Vince, who stood there behind his girlfriend in impatient grumbles, as if he was terrified I’d say even a word. 

I knew he sent warning eyes my way, silent tense threats through his clenched teeth, but I only stared at Amelia’s sickeningly sweet, blue eyes, and sobbed again. 

I can’t tell her. How could I hurt this precious girl? This is all my fault, not hers. I can’t, I can’t … what an asshole would I be if I told her anything? What was there for me to do? Pray and hope that Vince suddenly turned faithful and proper? Forget it all, and trust he’d treat this girl the way she deserved? 

Why did I have to carry this guilt on my own two shoulders? Didn’t Vince feel bad for it at all, did he carry no remorse for his actions? Did I matter so little, not even sleeping with me counted as cheating? Was I just some toy he’d thrown away? 

Amelia’s worries never disappeared, and she held my face and wondered, asked whether I needed a snack, or any help, or if there was anything wrong, and in the end, I could only shake my head against her slender fingers, sniffle and clench away my tears. “I’m okay … S-Sorry for disturbing you.” 

“No, no, no, don’t be sorry! We all need a good cry sometimes, don’t we?”

I chuckled through my horrid sadness, and nodded with a quivering chin. “I’ve just been stressed, that’s all…”

When I looked up at Vince, for just a quick peek, he was as tense as before, and his eyes glared at me with such intensity, it completely dried out my mouth. There was no relief inside of him, but he did seem angry with me. Angry, because I was here, angry, because I spoke to his girlfriend? Even though I said nothing …

“Here, these chocolates will cheer you up!” Amelia giggled, and she rushed over to her desk, grabbed the chocolate-covered strawberries she had brought for Vincent, and fed me one, instead.

With a big smile, she watched me chew on it, and my tears dried simply because I didn’t know what else to do. “Better?” she giggled, and I nodded in silence. 

“We should get back, babe,” Vincent buzzed, but all he did was stare at me. “Our lecture is about to start.”

“Oh, yeah!” Amelia smiled, and tousled through my light hair, tucking it behind my ear. “Feel better, yeah?” 

In a gulp, I nodded, and just as Vince passed me with his killer stare, I decided to peek at my stupid book, instead, as I didn’t want our eyes to meet, and his mood honestly terrified me right now. 

Did he get off on the fact that I cried about him? Did he like it, or was he terrified? I really, really couldn’t tell what was going through his head. And it agonized me, my conscience tearing at my own soul. 

As Amelia left, I regretted not having told her the truth.