Valerien approached, keeping eye contact until he was fully behind me, then resuming it as he returned on my other side.

“Perhaps you should have told your friend about how we slept under the same roof for weeks. Or mentioned that time I invited you into my bedroom at night. I imagine it would send him into a very deep depression.” 

The smug purr of his voice was insufferable. 

“Why are you here, Valerien?” I demanded, barely resisting the urge to yank at his collar and give him a good shake.

He came to a stop right in front of me, leaning forward as if to impose his presence.

“Why do you think I am here, Sidra Carver? Give me your best guess.” 

“You’ve come to scold me.” 

“’Scold!’” He spat out a joyless laugh. “How optimistic!” 

I crossed my arms over my chest in an attempt to make a barrier between us. I wasn’t afraid of him, but having him so close was uncomfortable. 

Valerien’s nose twitched in disgust and he finally took a step back, “I have been watching you, gathering the self-control necessary to not tear you limb from limb for what you did to me.” 

“Did to you? If I recall, I was the one who died.” 

A low growl came from somewhere deep within his chest, or was it distant thunder? 

His lip curled, revealing a row of sharp, disconcertingly white teeth, “You lied to me. You gave a promise you knew you would break! YOU’RE A LIAR.” 

Thunder cracked the sky in unison with the monstrous voice spilling from Valerien’s lips. Black feathers sprouted from his cheekbones and his form elongated and grew like a distorted shadow, his fingers and nails turning into talons as sharp as the pronged antlers bursting from his forehead. 

My arms fell to my sides. Last time I saw him transform like this, he’d been in pain. Even though the rain and anger and the magic was turning him grotesque, I couldn’t help the sting of compassion. 

“I know,” I said gently. “And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” 

“IT’S WORTH NOTHING,” the fae in front of me bellowed. “YOU WERE DEAD. I SAW YOUR LIFELESS BODY. YOU DIED AND TOOK MY HOPE WITH YOU.” 

“It was only a moment—”

“IT COULD HAVE BEEN AN ETERNITY.” 

Valerien reached out and I took an instinctive step back. He paused, only now realizing what his hands had become. He looked down at himself and whatever was left of his face twisted in sorrow.

The thunder above stilled; the rain calmed to a drizzle. My breath came out as a puff of steam in front of me, but I couldn’t feel the cold as I slowly approached his misshapen, pitch-black form. 

I’d hurt him. I’d only done it to save my sister and not out of malice, but I’d still caused him pain. Even if he’d treated me questionably since we’d first met, in the end I still owed him my life, perhaps even Sinéad’s rescue.

It was difficult to hate him like Grandmother had told me to, when he was real and in front of me. Something in my chest was still alive, still warm, even under the layers of cold, dead stone I’d tried to pile onto it. 

A tiny voice in my head told me I should be careful, that he was still volatile and could lash out. But I knew better now. And I couldn’t ignore someone hurting, especially not him. Not anymore. 

Valerien’s eyes were still closed when I came to a stop in front of him. There were dark, shiny feathers covering his neck and head, leaving his face like a mask of porcelain. I reached up and carefully touched his cheek. His freezing skin was covered in a thin layer of ichor.

“I didn’t do it to hurt you, Valerien,” I said softly, running my thumb over the tiny feathers under his eye. “But I’m sorry I did.”

“You never intended to help me, did you? I was just a means to an end.”

I winced, turning away. Partly because of the cool disappointment of his voice, partly because … 

“You were a means to an end,” I admitted shakily. “And I did intend to help you. But Sinéad was always my priority. If saving her meant dying, then … I had to take that risk.” 

His eyes shot open, blue and painfully bright, and he watched at me with a steady, accusing glare. It made me keenly aware of my hand on his cheek and I withdrew it quickly, digging my nails into my palm.

“You didn’t!” he gasped. “You didn’t have to take that risk! Why didn’t you just trust me?”

“I trusted you, but not that your plan would work. And I was running out of time. I’d already run out of time when I finally found her again. There was no guarantee I would win, or that Adora would let her go. I had to take matters into my own hands.” 

“Taking matters into your own hands got you killed. Just like I knew it would.”

I held his gaze defiantly, “It also freed Sinéad. Just like I knew it would.”

His upper lip curled and a rumbling growl came from somewhere deep in his chest, entirely inhuman. I saw his elongated claws flex out of the corner of my eye, as if he was preparing to tear me to shreds. 

But what would he do? Kill me? He didn’t have it in him.

“It seems we were both right,” I said evenly. 

“Your gamble only paid off because I was there to save you,” he replied, his voice threateningly low and mocking. “Without me, you would be dead.” 

“I know that. And I’m … grateful.” I uncrossed my arms to signal that I was offering a truce. “I thank you. Is that what you want?” 

“You are a liar, Sidra. What use is your gratitude when your words mean nothing?”

“My words might mean nothing, but my actions—” 

“Your actions reflect your lies.” 

I turned away from him as tears suddenly stung my eyes, breathing deeply.

Why did it hurt to hear him say these things, to have him look at me like that? Like I was nothing to him. Less than nothing: a disappointment. 

No. This was all for Sinéad. I’d done what I had to do, even if it hurt me, even if it hurt him.

“Maybe you were right,” I gasped, my voice pathetic and wobbly. “Maybe we never will understand each other. Because you know what? I’d fucking do it again!”

Valerien watched me impassively, unaffected by and unimpressed with what he clearly thought was a tantrum. It didn’t matter. He’d had his, now I’d have mine.   

“Even if I died, even if you weren’t there to resurrect me, I’d still do it all over again! I’d kill, and I’d die, and I’d lie to you a thousand times over if that’s what it took to save her!”

I covered my mouth, sobbing through gritted teeth. Hot tears dripped down my cheeks, but I continued, “I’m sorry I hurt you. But if you can’t find it in you to understand why I did it, why she was more important than anything else, then …” 

Then he had no heart. Then he truly was what Grandmother said he was, and I was a fool for believing otherwise. A fool who had swallowed the illusion of humanity in something that had never been human, who thought she was special when she had simply been manipulated.

“Then maybe you should find someone else to help you,” I spat, squeezing my eyes shut as more tears came. “Because this is what my strength, will, and resolve looks like.”

“Like duplicity, recklessness, and self-destruction.”

I stared up at Valerien. More of his feathers had shrunk away, and his antlers were gone now. The expression on his face was unreadable. It left a pit in my stomach, even if his stance was a lot less hostile now.

“I don’t know if I understand you, Sidra, but I do know there were other options, options you chose not to exhaust in favor of throwing yourself on a blade and hoping your blood would rust it into submission. It is your eager self-sacrifice that disturbs me.” 

“Of course it disturbs you,” I sneered. “You can’t imagine anything beyond yourself. I was the one who suffered, I was the one who died, I was the one who had to carry the burden of lying to someone I thought was my friend, and all you can think of is how I could’ve died without saving you first!” 

His jaw tightened.

“Maybe,” he replied flatly. “Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I am only concerned for your safety because it affects me. I don’t know.” 

“You don’t ‘know?’”

“I cannot tell where the concern for your life ends and where my hope for freedom begins. But I do know you did not have to die. And even if I understand your justification, even your love for your sister, your death was unnecessary and preventable, and it terrified me.”

Terrified him. 

I knew he didn’t mean anything by it, but his voice had been so neutral, so matter-of-fact. No dramatics or anger, nothing that made it sound like the barely sincere, snide Valerien I knew. He, a high fae, was terrified to lose a lowly human, and he’d just admitted it to me like he was stating the weather. 

It drained the rage from me in a single breath. I wanted to stay mad, but couldn’t.

“Imagine yourself in my shoes, then. Imagine if someone took me away one day, and you had nobody to help you except someone who promises they can, but only if you do something in return they refuse to explain, and only if you first jump through some incomprehensible hoops that you have no way of understanding. And after all that, there is still no guarantee I would be safe again, and who knows what’s happening to me while you do all this. Wouldn’t you too want to ignore it all and storm the place I was being held?” 

His ears stiffened and flicked downward in surprise, a reluctant grimace twisting his mouth.

“Our situations are different,” he said without meeting my gaze. “And risking my own life to save yours would be counterproductive.” 

“But risking your life for someone you want to protect isn’t.” 

“You still made a miscalculation.” 

“But I succeeded.” 

“You only consider this a success because you never included your own safety in the equation!” He gave a frustrated sigh. “Now you imagine yourself in my position. What if you laid out and agreed on a plan of action, made Sinéad promise to keep herself safe so she could help you execute that plan, only to then die and force you to bring her back? Would you not feel anger and frustration and despair? To know that, not only did she betray your trust, but that her stupid, idiotic choice put her and everyone around her in danger when a different solution was offered?” 

I bit my lip. Yes, no doubt Sinéad would’ve had gotten an earful from me if she against all odds did something like that, but Valerien was angry beyond reason. I would’ve been worried for Sinéad’s safety and health and been relieved she was alive; he was ranting about my death because it endangered him as well. 

“Perhaps I am selfish for fearing for myself as well as others,” he said eerily. He must’ve seen the disagreement on my face. “Or perhaps you should value your life more than you do.” 

I had no answer to that. 

As the rain petered out, Valerien sighed, “I suppose this is all irrelevant, anyway.” 

“Wish you’d decided that before this whole argument.” 

He gave me an angry but toothless glare, more annoyed than anything. Most of the unnatural elements of his appearance were gone now, the ichor and the feathers and talons, while the normal glow of his eyes and strange beauty remained. 

“It’s impressive, really, to outwit someone without trying. You prevented me from upholding my end of the bargain, which means you will not need to uphold yours. Your promise to help me and devote your will and resolve to whatever task I required you for is void.” 

There was a strange accusatory tone in his voice, like he was hoping I would disprove his argument. 

And I would.

“I just offered you a lifelong debt,” I replied tiredly. “Is that not enough?”

“I do not deal in force.” 

I scoffed. No dealing in force, but a dungeon-related blackmailing wasn’t out of the question?

Sensing I was about to be annoying again, he continued, “And even if I were to do so, your thanks means nothing. How do I know you won’t simply decide to abandon me when you feel like it?” 

“With Sinéad safe, the situation is different. I will help because I want to, not because I have to, which means you can be in charge of figuring out how to best apply my, uh, skills. And I you’ll be pleased to know I’m not quite as willing to put down my life for you, so you don’t have to worry about that, either.” 

“You want to help me?” he said in mocking disbelief. “I doubt that. Why help when I am no longer useful to you? What will you get out of this?”

I knew the answer as well as he did, which is to say, not at all. He had inadvertently given me an out. Even with my supposed life debt, he’d accepted that I wouldn’t be bound to him by traditional fae means. So my being willing to stick around and potentially put myself in danger for his sake was a surprise to us both. 

I averted my gaze, “I don’t know. Does it matter?”

“It matters. I need to know your motivation, need to know how fickle it is.”

He’d said it calmly as he approached, closing the distance between us, though I could tell he was watching me. Looking for lies and doubt. 

It would be difficult to tell him the truth, at least the whole truth, because I didn’t know it myself. But I could tell him what I did know and hope it would be enough. 

“You and I may be different, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy seeing you suffer. I know you have a good heart, Valerien. And those are the kind that are worth helping. That in itself is enough of a reward.”

“So your willingness to help depends on the goodness of my heart?” he scoffed.

“Yes? That shouldn’t be that big of a challenge, should it? You haven’t exactly been a peach so far, yet I’m still here. Even though, as you say, I have nothing else to gain.” 

His gaze softened and he looked away again, his expression resembling guilt. There was a light blush on his cheeks, or perhaps that was my imagination, because it faded as soon as I noticed it.

While he hesitated, I took one step closer, just shy of entering his personal space, and looked up at him.

“Well? What’ll it be? Do you want my help or not?” 

Valerien regarded me with a mix of annoyance and apprehension. The former then faded, leaving behind an expression that somehow made me feel even worse for having betrayed his trust. I’d never imagined Valerien would be able to pull of such an effective kicked-puppy-face. Finally, he closed his eyes and sighed deeply, preparing himself to do the unthinkable. When he opened them again, all traces of fear and vulnerability were gone. He had made a decision. 

“I do.”