There are lines from the movie I have watched about the love of the same gender that it is not about the gender or sexuality of that person but what you feel for that person is what matters most.

You feel comfortable around them, you feel happy around them, you feel calm around them. They made you feel those odd feelings. As I was staring at my brother with his boyfriend, I cannot imagine the love between these two people. 

How does love blossom between them? Did it start with physical attraction? Sexual attraction? Or what most people believe in love at first sight?

And that’s how I question myself. I look behind me where Noah and his friends are talking. They are laughing and I could sense how genuinely happy Noah is.

And it's not because of me. It's because he chose to be happy. I’m happy when I’m with him. I feel safe, calm and comfortable around him. I like when he kisses me on the ferris wheel but how did my love for him start? Or is that even love or just infatuation?

I’m one of a few people that didn’t believe in love at first sight. I felt butterflies at first for him when we talked on the clock tower because I can talk to someone who knows what I feel.

Deep emotional connection. I think that was what I love him for. I felt connected to him somehow.

He looked at me and smiled. I smiled back at him and just by looking into his grey eyes, soft looking with mine, I could feel his genuine love for me.

“Athena. Here’s your favorite drink.” Lester called me and gave me the drink I wanted.

I smiled at him. “You remembered.”

He winks at me. “Of course. You’re the first customer that tasted my signature.”

“First?” I asked after I drank.

“He told me that there’s a girl who has the same taste as mine and the reaction he wanted to see was priceless which means that girl is the first who recognized the bliss of his creation. I didn’t know that he was talking about my sister!”

“And I thought that this bar is not yours though it has the same name as you.” I groaned and rolled my eyes. “If I know I won’t come back here!”

“Have you forgotten that I have expanded my business across Europe?”

My eyes widened. “Oh my god. I thought it’s only in Chicago!”

“I told you last time that I have bars and club here!”

I arched my eyebrow and wondered if he said something but maybe I forgot. I just shrug my shoulders and drink my glass.

“If I had known, I wouldn’t. You know that.”

“Yeah, yeah. Anyway…” he sat on the bar stool and looked at me seriously. Okay. He is going to ask. Adonis was bubbly and cheerful but when it comes to serious talking, he is really serious and you cannot hide anything from him. That’s why sometimes, I avoid him. I tried to avoid his eyes but I couldn’t. His eyes were like a magnet, pulling me to spill it. “How are you holding up?”

Unlike Zeus, Adonis is also compassionate. “I’m fine.” I said then laughed. Force laugh. He looked at me softly and held my hand. “I…I have had this since mom died. And…” He slightly smiled and gently caressed my hand so I looked at it and it made me feel calm. I took a deep breath. “...and when Matt killed himself in front of me.”

My hand suddenly trembled and he held it tightly with his hands. And the memories started flooding my mind. 

“I’m sorry dear. Don’t push yourself. I understand. Just calm down, okay.” He softly said and I saw my tears fall into his hands. I opened my mouth to inhale some air because my chest became tight. “Here drink this water, Athena.” He slowly helped me to drink and my lips were also trembling. 

I felt my body become weak and Adonis rush to my side but I was wrong. I felt Noah caressing my arm while I lean my back on his chest. He is trying to calm me and a second later, my breathing stabilizes.

I closed my eyes for a minute and I felt my chest become loose. 

“Let’s go to my penthouse. It's just up from this bar. Come.” Adonis said.

I felt that Noah carried me and we followed Adonis. I hug him tightly while carrying up to the stairs and gently lay me down on the bed.

Noah sat beside me, tucked the blanket up to my waist and he wrapped his warm arms around my body. I hugged him around his waist. 

I close my eyes again. I felt that he kissed me on my head. We stayed like that for thirty minutes and I saw the snow falling from the sky. He is caressing my arm with his thumb and I took a deep breath. Just telling them what happened is my biggest fear and it made my chest tight but on the other hand, I just…wanted to tell what happened to lose this heavy burden. I thought I could handle this. I couldn’t depend on someone after my mom because I made myself dependent only on myself. 

But right now, there are still people around me that I can depend on. Maybe, if I could set myself free from the cycle of not forgiving myself, I could give love for everyone who truly loves me. 

Courage is not what I have. Fear is the only dependent emotion I have, so I have to fight this. And Noah deserves to know. 

“Why didn’t you ask?” I asked him while I looked forward. I still felt the weakness devour my body. He keeps caressing my arm with his thumb and I find it very soothing and warm.

“I don’t want to pressure you. It’s okay if you’re not ready, I understand. Tell me whenever you’re ready.”

I take a deep breath and smiled a little. I just nod in response to him.

I could feel the calm after the storm and I wish it will never end. I thought if I open myself again for someone, these panic attack will never occur. But, memories…memories of him still hunting me.

I could sense him again. Again. I wanted it to stop and I don’t want to think that I am in a relationship again to make it stop. I don’t want Noah to become my band aid for the endless blood flow.

I should be the one to stop it. Not him. I shut my eyes and I could still hear him.

Seven years ago

“Oh my god! Athena! Look!” 

My eyes were heavy because I couldn’t sleep last night and I’m so sleepy right now. This is Zeus' fault. I looked at Charlotte on my left side and she was smiling like an idiot while pointing forward. The class ended five minutes ago and my feet were too heavy to walk on my own. I planned to sleep in the gym later or here but when I followed what she pointed at, I rolled my eyes and snorted in frustration. Here we go again. 

“Ugh,” I just muttered while the guy that everyone adores, smiling and waving at me.

He was leaning on the side of the door and looking cool. My head falls down on the arm chair.

“He is doing this everyday and yet, cannot give up on you, girl.” Char whispered in my ear. 

“I don’t give a shit. He’s an asshole.”

“Well, that’s what everyone says but have you wondered that it isn't true?”

I turned my head on her side and she was standing beside me, preparing to leave. She lifts up her side lips and moves her eyebrow up and down.

I blew my hair on my face and stood up with a heavy heart. I took a deep breath. “I don’t care. I am trying to be invisible and being with him is a major red flag.”

I walked towards the door and I rolled my eyes at him.

“Just one date and I’ll be gone.” 

I just ignored him and he walked in front of me, which made me stop from my tracks. My face almost hit his chest and when I looked up, his face was so… close! My heart stopped beating and my eyes widened because he smirked. I cleared my throat and walked backwards. 

I could feel the heat from my face, especially the students who were stopping to watch us.

I hate him! I really hate him!!

“Can’t understand the word NO? Should I spell it out for you?” 

I said and rolled my eyes at him again then left him astounded. I heard him laugh a little then that day was the worst day of my life as he smiles that makes my heart pound for the first time.