Tw:stalking 

I lied earlier when I mentioned that we dealt with a stalker once but it wasn’t bad. Well he did stalk us for a while before finding our place to try and be Mathew’s coach. I left out that he threatened me. I was coming home one day with take out for Mathew and I to eat. It was after the session had ended. His team didn’t do the best like I said but he had out performed what he did the year prior. It was around before our birthdays in May. I walked to a local tai place a few blocks away from our apartment that wasn’t hard to get to by walking surprisingly. Mathew was on his way home. 

The way our apartment building is set up it’s like three apartments per building. They kinda have their own sections so their kinda a level of privacy with a small fence other than the drive way into the parking area. When I turned in he was waiting for me there. At first he scared me but I wasn’t fearing for my life yet. He gave me his speech about how Mathew would be better without me and how I’m bringing him down. I’m bad for his career. That I need to be gone. If I don’t break up with him he’s going to have to get rid of me. He must have seen me going to the tai place. He pulled out a knife and I froze. 

I dropped the food. I didn't even hear what he said but I saw his mouth moving. He started walking closer to me and that’s when Mathew showed up. He pushed me away and he removed the knife from his hand and got between us before getting on top of him. He told me to call the cops. After that my anxiety got worse. I had planned to see a therapist just because but never got around to it. I saw how Mathew struggled finding one he liked after we moved so I pushed it off. It’s better now but I get nervous sometimes when Mathew’s not around. After the altercation I didn’t want to go out without him. At least not in huge public spaces where I had to walk alone. It took a while before I could go to the store without him or someone else. Even if it was someone else I would get paranoid. I was fine in parties or even his events they had to do but just in public gave me anxiety. I became hyper aware trying to keep an eye out for people. 

I felt panicky. I could be relaxed one second and get like a wave of fear when I know I’m okay. It was a strange feeling of being watched that I couldn’t get rid of. I avoided his games for the next session for a while till I was okay. I still have it in the present day but it’s not social anxiety, it's more related to being watched and I don’t know I’m being watched. The size of crowds don’t really matter or interactions. 

We moved out of that apartment canceling our lease. Into a more secure one before finally buying a house. 

It doesn’t help that you aren’t allowed to breathe in the type of environment we’re in. The homophobia never ends, death threats don’t stop. I stopped posting on my socials after this. I had stopped really doing it since working with Nina so I just stopped all together. I privated my business profile for a while and deleted everything that wasn’t related to styling Nina. I deleted my YouTube channel. Mathew was really supportive for those six months that it was really bad. I know it was hard when the season started up again. He was planning on starting law school but didn’t. 

The next year he started law school and things got better. I unprinted the account finally. Everything after that just became work related. I deleted anything that had me alone in it and had it focused on just what Nina would wear. Maybe some pictures of us together. Rumors circulated that Mathew was cheating on me came out because of the old ones that he had in college. From the media and independently from people as well coming forward with their own stories. Both a guy and a girl claimed that Mathew had been texting them trying to sleep with them. I knew it wasn’t true without even having to ask him. His team denied all the claims over and over again. Some came out to me doing it but died out when it got no attention again. No one ever cared when I was around dudes in the industry before who are my friends now they're all my lovers. 

It’s always the guys that are the loudest that are the ones secretly trying to get at you. One of the a few guys that had tried talking to me was trash talking Mathew online for a while. I don’t know why they would try it if they know I’m with Mathew. Maybe it’s the safety of knowing I hypothetically would be interested in them that they do. Or the fact that I kept it a “secret” for Mathew that makes them feel safe to dm me. But he brought me into saying stuff about me one time. He would keep it about Mathew most of the time. Talking about his performance during games or just straight cussing him out. But one time he tried being slick and dissed me and him. I took a screenshot of the message and Mathew posted it and he shut up real quick.

Now we lay low, go about our lives as normal as we can. Mathew's main goal is to finish law school and do good on the court.