“I don't”

What does that mean...? I mean, I know what it means...I just don't know what it means for....

Him.

I sat in front of the vanity staring at my self on the mirror. I watched my face transitioned into a cherry. I cupped my cheeks and felt it heat up. I brisked walked over my bed and flopped on top. My body sinked into the soft matress comforter. I stared at the ceiling, letting the lights blind me.

I released a big sigh of relief. Glad that's over. Thought this day would never end. Thankgod it's done!

What does he mean by what he said...? I know he just repeated what I said that he doesn't have me...but...is it just that...? I don't know...I might me overthinking things. I shifted my weight to the side, my gaze darted towards the studio. I stared at it for a while. I questionned myself — “should I continue writing the song for my podcast...?”. My mind slip back to the lyrics I was writing early this afternoon before Neo picked me up. Then it clicked me — I should thank you again for making the pasta. It actually reminded me of my brother.

BUZZZZZZZ!!!! BUZZZZZZZ!!!!

“AAAAAHHHH” I yelped as a loud buzzing noise of notification echoed through my quiet room. I climbed off the bed and grabbed my purse, taking out my phone. Before I could see the notification, I lowered the volume first.

“Geez. Giving me a heart attack...?...”

Then my eyes landed on the message notification icon. I used my thumb to swipe down the notification panel revealing a text message from Neo. I froze for a bit.

What a timing.

I haven't read the message, yet I can't seem to stop myself from being nervous. Shifting the down a bit as I took a deep breath. I thumbed the notification and read his message.

«Neo»

Good Night Ceida! Thank you for tonight!

«You»

Thank you for inviting me. Again , thanks for making the pasta. It was delicious.

It ... reminded me of my brother.

«Neo»

Well, that's the goal actually. It's his recipe. Since you said you were actually going to the dinner, I cooked it. Just for you.

I smiled.

«You»

Thank you Neo. Good Night.

His recipe.

I miss it.

I miss him. So much.

I tossed my phone over the bed. A deep sigh of relief escaped me as I unbuckled by heels. I removed my stockings and relaxed as my feet touched the comfort of my fluffy bedroom slippers. “Much better” I sighed. I headed to the studio and took a glimpse on the open notebook.

It was the lyrics I wrote way back:

Smiling on the outside

I tried to mask the pain

I hate to be pretending

Behind the smiles you see

A girl so damaged

Don't know what would she do...?

Please tell me what to do...

Pretending.

That's probably the only thing I know how to do these days. I stared at the handwritten words on the paper. I pressed my lips together and scurried to unzip my skirt. My belly popped out as if I was bloated by all the happenings in my life. I changed into a much comfortable attire — a white tank top, paired with a sky blue wide leg sweatpants and covered my arms with a blue oversized knitted sweater. I headed back the studio, pulling back the chair and grabbed a pen from my pen holder. I popped the cap off and let the nib of the pen touched the writing surface. Scratching out some of the words and rewriting it.

I drew a thick black line over the words "Smiling on the outside". It felt a little blant. Instead, the pen danced over it and scribbled a new line.

Beaming over the surface

Surrounded but so alone

Expected to be this perfect lady

It's infuriating

The wounds are penetrating

Hate to be pretending

I tried to mask it

I gripped my pen and twirled the pen over my fingers and tapped it against the desk several times.

Behind the smiles you see

A girl so broken as she can be

Oh damaged. Withered.

Don't know what to do...?

I'm tired of this disguise

But I'm afraid to let go

“Behind those smiles is a living lie...” I murmured.

Why do I always repress

and flee...!?

After writing some lines, I felt my throat itch, so I pushed myself up the chair and headed downstairs for a glass of water. It was already passed 10 pm so I tiptoed over to the kitchen and gently opened the fridge taking out the pitcher of water. I poured myself a glass of water. Then I heard footsteps. I looked back saw my mum in her purple satin nightrobe.

“Mom...hey” I sighed.

“Mel...why are you still awake...? It's almost 11 at night. Don't you have a school tomorrow...?”

“I just went down to get a glass of water...” I lifted the glass over my lips and started walking back upstairs to my room and tucked myself into bed.

As the morning rays beamed through my bedroom curtains, I covered my face with a pillow. The light was so bright, passing through the glass panes of the window. The Sun is blaring, screaming 'WAKE UP!' as I want to reply 'shut up'. Just then my phone alarm blared like an emergency siren. I groaned, punching the snooze button. Then came the beeping sound of the digital alarm clock laid on my headboard.

"Urgh" I groaned in annoyance. I reached up, feeling the wood with fingers, letting it search for the plastic bezel. As the tip of my fingers felt that plastic texture, my palm immediately smacked the button of the digital clock, silencing the room with a fading tune. I tested my face back on the matress and just laid there for three minutes. After a while, I removed the pillow from my head and slowly sit up at the middle of the bed. My right palm rubbed my face.

I crawled out of bed, my feet finding my slippers and walked towards the bathroom. My sweatpants was replaced by the school uniform. As I was packing my bag, I saw a pen accessoriesed with a fluffy ball at its end — I usually used that pen, but this time I left it sitting on the desk. I headed downstairs and went to the kitchen to get a melon bread from the counter. When I turned around, I stumbled into Auntie Kerlina.

“Auntie...morning”

“Good morning! Only melon bread for breakfast...?” She asked.

I nodded. “I'm not that hungry...”

Auntie clicked her tongue and said. “I'm headed to a meeting, gusto mo bang sumabay...?”

I replied with a nod. Auntie smiled and lead me to the car.

The engine started and we were on our way. I stayed silent the rest of the ride. 15 minutes later or so, we were already by the gate of campus. I opened the door with a sharp click of the handle and stepped out.

“Thank you Auntie” with a warm tone I thanked her before closing the door and walked inside. As I stepped foot at the gate, I heard her calling my name. “Mel! Have a great day!”

I froze in place. I never heard those words in a long time. Never expected to hear that phrase from someone aside from my mom. I gripped the straps of my bag, I turned around. I saw her smiling face — for a split second I saw mom's face then transitioned back to her owns.

I wished it was her who said it.

I raised my hands and waved, before walking again. My heels crunched against the pavement as if the gravity squished down to the ground. The campus filled with chatters. The halls were surrounded by cycle of friends. Girls gossiping about their crushes. Boys talking about sports and competing about their love life.

Just then, Lexi came nudging me with her hips, almost stumbling me down.

“Morning...Lexi...” I greeted, fixing the straps of my bag on my shoulder.

“Good Morning!”

“You seemed more energetic today?” I asked. Her face looked away as her cheeks grew red a bit. I grinned, “You have a boyfriend now don't you...?~”

She tucked strands of her hair behind her ears and said, “No...”

“yet anyways...” she added with a big smile. Suddenly a soft singing voice halted our tracks. We glanced towards the voice. It was a girl with an acoustic guitar surrounded by group of students under one of the tree.

“🎶Apologising isn't enough~🎶” Her voice smoky, honeyed alto. She sang with a raspy breathe, trying hard to mimic the original singer. As she hit the high notes, it pierced me like a an arrow.

“Omg Mellie! Listen! It's one of Azuritesongs!!!” Lexi pulled my knitted sweater and dragged me closer to the crowd. I froze, as I hear the words sung in the right melody; it was beautiful, not gonna lie. Although, it lacked the emotions it held. The emotions I held when I recorded that song inside my dark room.

“ But I'm chained up. Beiing chained up under the flaws~” The girl sang, as I clenched my fist.

“You know, I heard that the girl behind Azureiese, wrote this song for an Ex-boyfriend...He probably cheated on her...poor thing...”

Ex-boyfriend...? Seriously...??

Little did they know, that song was dedicated to the little girl I solemnly wanted to protect but failed to. The girl with the brightest smile which turned into a mask. The girl that I was, once.

“Ikaw Mellie, ano sa tingin mo talagang gustong iparating nung kanta?” Lexi turned to me and asked.

You're seriously asking me that...? I know exactly what the song means...But you can't know that...

“I think that Azurite girl is saying that the pain she delt with before had became a permanent mark and a simple sorry is not enough to heal it...” I replied, with a low, serious tone.

Lexi looked at me with a beat. I just stared at the singing girl as she hit the last recurring chords. The applause of the crowd felt like a ticking bomb waiting for me to burst.

A sudden warm hand on my forehead, released me from my thoughts. “Wala ka namang lagnat” — It was Lexi placing a palm on my forehead, checking for my temperature. “Wala akong sakit Lex, relax”. Lexi pouted and crossed her arms. “Ikaw naman kasi, hindi ako sanay na maging philosophical ka bigla”

I chuckled and softly flick her forehead “Ano kaba... Alam mo namam kung pano ako umakto pagmay lagnat diba? Tingnan mo nga oh, wala akong makapal na jacket or kaya warmers...hindi rin mapula mukha ko...”

Lexi clicked her tongue as if acknowledging the facts. “Sabagay...”

“Lika na nga. Baka malate pa tayo” I slipped my arms inside hers as we walked through the hallways.