It took longer than expected to find Hazel. Varian was very intoxicated. He swayed on his feet as he shuffled through the crowd. He had to keep a hand over his mouth and nose so he didn’t throw up, but it was still difficult when just the graze of someone’s finger on his sleeve was enough to make him gag.

But whatever Kacey had given him had loosened him up considerably. They were going to be fighting after Varian chose Hazel over Kacey. He would rather take a few sour days with Kacey than to lose Hazel forever.

She was his future after all. She was going to be with him until the end. He owed her some commitment.

He somehow found himself at the base of the staircase opposite of the front door. People scattered around him. They kept their distance surprisingly. Most of the crowd had moved to the living rooms. 

He stared up the staircase. It wound up to the second and third story. He kept looking at the blank wall. The shadows that fell over it made his stomach churn. He took a deep breath and then ascended the stairs.

When he got to the second floor he paused. A scattering of people were in the hallway. Some were making out, some were smoking, and some looked passed out on the floor. He had a feeling she wasn’t here either.

He went to the third floor.

That’s where he found her.

The third floor was more of a big open attic.

She stood by the window. There was a small light on the adjacent wall. It casted a yellow glow on the bottom of her pants and on her boots. The shiny leather reflected the light. Varian stood in the small opening. The room swirled in an array of colors. He had trouble standing up, his feet swaying back and forth.

Hazel turned to face him. She looked him up and down.

“Why do you keep doing this?” She crossed her arms and leaned against the beam supporting the ceiling. 

A lump formed in Varian’s throat. He moved toward her, taking small steps so he didn’t trip over anything. He was too focused on her to look at the floor. He was afraid that if he looked away for just a second she would run from him. Or she would disappear like a mirage. 

“Doing what?” He finally let himself sag to the floor. His knees hit the carpet. The soft material wasn’t soft enough to ease the discomfort of putting his full weight on his knees.

He was done trying to stand. He got what he wanted when he asked for Kacey’s help. He just wished he could have known Hazel would want to talk to him again.

Though, it was him who’d been avoiding her in the first place. That’s what he got for assuming things when he didn’t know anything at all.

She shook her head. It wasn’t disgust on her face. No. She was too kind to think of him like that. She looked sad. Like she didn’t know what to do with him. 

Maybe that was worse. She couldn’t ever see him as being the type of person to stand tall with her; to be there with her. To protect her. 

Tears burned in his eyes, but he didn’t let them fall. He turned his face away so she couldn’t see him break down. She knew he’d been hurt. Everyone in this goddamn town knew horrible things had happened to him. They were all looking down on him because he wasn’t strong enough.

That was his fault. It was his fault for being weak.

She sighed. She stretched her hand out. Her fingers were about to touch his head, but she paused. He looked up at her. Though his stomach hated the idea, he wanted her to touch him. He wanted what he lost in the forest.

He wanted to go back to when they could embrace each other without being divided by something out of their control.

Her hands dropped to her waist. 

She knelt so she was eye level with him. She frowned.

“I hate what he does to you,” she softly said. A whisper. It was so soft he had to strain his ears to hear. 

He could see in her eyes that she was straining so hard to not touch him. It was so like her to know what he wanted her to do. Maybe it was because they’d been together for so long. Maybe it was because he was like an open book. Kacey, Padriac, and Mary just assumed they knew what he needed.

They thought they had an open invitation to his body.

Hazel had always been so different from them. She cared for him in ways his friends didn’t and it made him want more from her.

But things had changed. Not only their future because of what happened to him but also the way he felt about her.

There was no longer any sort of heat in his gut when he looked at her. He didn’t want to kiss her lips or feel her body cave to his touch. In theory—in his head—he wanted that. But forcing himself to actually do it would only cause him pain. Pain because he was revolted and pain because he was no longer the person he used to be.

She sat on the floor beside him.

“I hate them so much.” She looked up at the window. It felt farther away now. 

He couldn’t tell if it was because it was getting harder for him to keep his eyes open or the room really was melting right before his eyes. He decided it was the effects of the alcohol. When the world really started to burn and crash, he would surely know. It would probably be the only thing keeping him sane.

“You get used to them,” he said. He fell back on the floor. She followed him, laying by his side. They gazed up at the window.

The moon was really bright. It looked like it was right outside the window. Like he could reach up and just grab it right out of the sky.

“No, Var.” The anger in her voice startled him. He’d been enraptured by the quietness of the room and the soft glow of the moon in front of them. “You told me that before. I still haven’t. I never will.”

A silent moment passed between them. All that could be heard was the thumping of the music downstairs and their soft breathing. 

He closed his eyes. He was swimming in and out of reality and his dreams. Before the camping trip, they would have been kissing. He would have felt her up, mapping her body so he could sear the memory of her in his mind. He still knew what got her off. A soft kiss behind her ear, rough touches to her inner thighs, and bites down her chest. 

She took charge when she wanted to. She would have straddled him and just had her way with him.

His eyes flew open.

The moon scared him. His heart jumped to his throat. The moon loomed in front of him. He imagined it had large hands that were reaching for him. 

It could kill him. No one would hear his screams because he couldn’t open his mouth. 

And Hazel would turn to see his sad body. After all, he was just a carcass.

There wasn’t anything special about that. 

“Varian?”

He hummed. He was still awake, but he didn’t know for how much longer. Kacey had done his job right. Varian was only rethinking if it was the right choice.

But as he swam further to the bottom of the pit of his mind, he was kinda glad he was leaving the world for a brief moment. He didn’t want to keep disappointing Hazel. She didn’t like how distant he was, she didn’t like that he was damaged, and she didn’t like his friends.

What exactly was there to like?

Her face appeared above him. The moon behind her head was like that of an angel’s halo. She was more than an angel. She was a forgotten goddess. She wasn’t appreciated like she needed to be. Cherished and beloved. Did she know how much she meant to him?

No. He hadn’t expressed it right. He was too afraid. 

“I love you, Varian. Even if you can’t let them go. Even if you choose them over me, I’ll always love you.”

Her voice broke. Shining diamonds slid down her cheeks. They fell onto his own. As they slid down to his mouth, he saw a glimpse of someone else in her image.

The girl in the tub. The dead girl.

Hazel looked so much like her. How had he never noticed?

His heart sank. He couldn’t breathe. Hazel’s tears slid between his lips and he could taste the salt. It felt like he was kissing her once again. They were in the throes of passion, much like the night of camping, and he was now remembering how it had felt to touch her like she wanted.

The fear struck through him like a freight train.

“I’m sorry.” 

She slid away. She fell back to the floor. 

Varian was consumed by darkness. But before he was completely gone he had a thought that chilled him to the bone.

The man knew what he was doing when he brought Varian to that dead girl.

The man knew Hazel.