(Madison's POV)

He’s all I think about as I wake up to the sound of noise in the kitchen. It takes me a moment to register both that I’m at my cousin's new house, and a few seconds longer that things went too far again.

Please, God, I’m sorry.

I find myself wanting to cry. I feel dirty, even more so because I find part of myself desperately wanting to go back to sleep in the hope that Liam will be there again. A part that has grown since yesterday.

NO! Stop it!

I’m trying so hard to not let myself get stuck in that thought because I don’t want to do wrong by God, or by Kalston. I love him, I know that, and today that feels even more clear now, but it’s also clear that what part of me that once loved Liam never truly died. Between the memories of him, and now these dreams (which I will remark that even though I could almost say he’s really there with me. I have no true clue what’s real.). I can’t help how I’m starting to feel, and I don’t know how to stop it because how do you stop something you have no control over?

PLEASE, GOD! JUST MAKE THEM STOP!

I find myself crying at this point because I know that this is not okay, and the longer I’m awake, the easier it is to see that. If I had a choice, I would choose to not have them, and that’s the hard part. I have no autonomy about any of this.

Maybe it’s good that I get time away from home.

It feels like maybe this can be a chance to clear my head and maybe get my bearings. Helping Kay might give me the chance to step out of my life and into someone else's for a time to help clear my head.

“Oh, you're up.”

Peter walks through my door while it’s still closed, and he just reminds me that no, there’s no truly escaping my life. Even if for a bit.

I toss my cover over my head hoping that at least for a moment, maybe I can forget him.

I slip my hand out of the blanket to grab my phone, and take it underneath with me.

“If you wanted some time alone, all you needed to do was ask, Darling. No need to be so rude about it.”

I would like to say Peter leaves, but I don’t know because I don’t have the energy to take my blanket off.

I try to go to the bible app to start my day with a devotional like I usually do, but have gotten out of the habit of, and I see a sweet text from Kalston.

💬Good morning, Love. I’ll say that it’s better waking up with you next to me, so I can’t wait for you to get back. I hope you have a day as beautiful as you are. I love you <3

My heart sinks because I realize even more how unfair this is to him. He didn’t sign up for any of this.

‘Maybe I should end things.’

No!

Call it selfish, but I don’t want to lose him.

I’ll just have to figure something else out.

There has to be something I can do.

Please, God, forgive me. If there is anything I did to cause this, please forgive me. Bring to mind anything I need to repent of. Close any doors I opened, just slam them all shut. I don’t want this…

‘Yes you do.’

NO! I Don’t!

Please, God, You know my heart. You know that no matter what part of me wants this, I want to follow You more, to serve You, and to do what is right. So, please, tell me what I’m supposed to do, and I’ll do it. Just. Please.

I find myself crying again as it’s all too much, and I start to hate myself because anyone else wouldn’t be this cruel to the person they love.

In Jesus’s Christ’s name I pray, amen…

I want desperately for this all to be over, so I try everything to redirect my thoughts as I try to focus on my devotional for today that not so ironically talks about Taking your thoughts captive, and how we might not always have control on what comes into our mind, but we do have control on what we do with it once it is. So, that’s what I try to do. I push the thoughts of… I won’t even think his name. So, I push him out of my mind, as I try to just move on with my day. I take a breath to help prepare me to get out of bed and focus on today one step at a time, with a good attitude that seems a little harder today.

Well… let’s do this.

‘Kalston's text.’

Oh! Right, Kalston’s text. Thank you, Lord.

I ponder over what I should send him back. A task that is way harder than it should be.

‘I miss you too. And maybe we can... ‘

No, let’s try that again.

‘And I hope your morning is as handsome as.’

Nope…

‘I love too.’

Yeeeeah, no.

‘Try not to miss me too much.’

Still, no.

I keep trying to think of a good reply, and even though I want to be flirty, or silly, or simply myself with him, I feel walls going up again. Only, this time, to protect him.

I can’t ignore him. But…

Maybe though, I need to pull back a little.

I miss you, and I hope that you have a good day too.🗨️