I stand there trying hard to not stare for too long before someone bumping into my arm startles me into now again.

“Seriously, why don’t you ask her out already?” Nick asks, encouraging me as he usually does.

Only, today is a day that it doesn’t feel the same. Not when I was reminded of the truth of who I am.

I look away from Clementine knowing that it’s better that I forget her,and know that she’ll forget me. Everyone else does, so it’s just best. I’ve been pining over her since she came into the cafe for the first time two years ago, and she’s only just started to know who I was. I wouldn’t say I’m shy, but I feel like most people tend to be when it comes to liking someone.

“No. Uh, I think I’ll go work on the bathrooms. They seemed like they needed a good cleaning. What, I’m gone for a few weeks, and you guys are already slipping behind.” I laugh to try and break the tension I’m trying hard not to seep into the air.

“Well, what can I say, without you, this place can barely run right.”

Nick leans on his forearms onto the counter, and I cock an eyebrow at him.

“I think that’s supposed to be the other way around.” I chuckle before backing away slowly.

“You can at least handle at least an hour, right, without letting things fall apart?” I keep my tone light because I don’t want Nick to think that my sarcastic attitude is serious. Even though I doubt he will, he could still fire me.

Nick laughs before looking at the empty tables and line. It’s usually slow about this time because it’s that sweet spot of people already being at work, and anyone that does come in is few to none, and usually just to use the Wi-Fi.

“Yeah, I’ll think I’ll manage.”

I turn completely around laughing to myself for a moment before it’s like a switch on of the depression and apathy hitting me again. I’ve been trying hard to keep it at bay, but it’s always been the hardest when at the start of being woken up. When I remember everything, and who they made me to be.

I could ask the same question I have since I was a boy, of why the Lord would let this happen to me or any of the rest of us. Only, now it’s the furthest thing from my mind. I used to love him so much, but now, I don’t know what to think of Him. Or even if He exists because, how could a God let one of His children go through that torment. How could He let me become a monster that should only be in nightmares? That often is.

‘What have I become?’

I can’t keep doing this.

‘But if I don’t…’

No, don’t even think of that.

I can’t bring myself to make that even a glimpse of a possibility. And if anything, I’m well aware of the power simple a thought has when it’s planted. I’ve planted plenty.

But, it’s her. I can’t do that to her.

‘And if you don’t-’

NO! There has to be another way.

…

Lord, if you're there, then fix this.

That’s the most I can make of any kind of prayer because I feel backed into a corner, and don’t know what else to do. This is the first time they’ve ever asked me to do this to someone I know. To one of us.

After checking the stalls to be sure they are empty, I take one for myself. It’s not been the first time I’ve been asked to spy on one of our own, yet I hate myself each time. I take out the pocket mirror I have to always carry with me for this exact purpose and do as they taught me years ago. It’s one of two ways I know to spy on someone when I’m awake, and the easiest of the two. I’ve come so used to this that it doesn’t take but a few seconds for me to place a reflection to see Madison, and what she’s doing.

She’s in a kitchen I’m not familiar with seeing her in, facing away from me, but it doesn’t explain why I haven’t been able to find her the past couple of nights.

Where are you?

‘She’s running away from you.’

‘She can sense you.’

No, she-

She turns to face me and seems to almost look directly at me.

“Oh, she’s good.” A familiar voice whispers to me as my shadow kneels next to me.

I can’t help but feel a little impressed as well.

Okay, maybe there is more to this.

‘She’s running from you.’

There’s that thought again that I’m not so sure is quite right. I’ve been trained to cypher the lies from the truth, and this one seems somehow in the middle.

Nnnnooo, that’s not…

“I am hiding her from you until you're ready.”

OH…

There’s no doubt where that voice came from. Not when I’ve heard it before, and something about it in part feels like my father. Or, when I got in trouble, and he was still here. He wouldn’t be mad, and in fact, that always hit me harder than if he was. His words were loving, and calm, and just holding this presence of authority that would say with a matter of fact that I was wrong in whatever I did. It was enough to make me cry because I never wanted to do anything that he wasn’t proud of.

I’m sorry…

That’s the most I can get out before I find myself breaking down and spilling my heart to Him.

I’m sorry for everything. I just didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry, I don’t want this anymore. I never did. Please, just... Help me.

“I know. Now you're ready."

Ready for what?

Then, nothing. So, I try again to see what He means.

Ready for what?

But, again, nothing.