(Madison)

I walk into the kitchen to see Kay at the stove making something that smells good, but makes me for a moment feel guilty again as I miss having breakfast with Kalston and my longing for him makes someone else flash through my head.

Please… just, go away.

I want desperately to move on, and to let that stupid dream stay in the past because it's not fair.

Not to Kalston, not to me, and, well, not for him either because I can feel myself wanting to blame him for getting into my head, but that’s not his fault. It’s my thoughts that found their way to him. Especially with these stupid memories, or whatever they are plaguing me.

It’s not his fault.

Thinking about him even for even a second makes my thoughts wander how they usually do down a trail before I even notice that they have. I start thinking about the memory on the bridge with them, and then even the one yesterday with Liam outside the church.

When did that even happen?

He seemed older, or, did he?

What did he look like when we first met?

What is the earliest memory I have of him, or… them?

Maybe I’m just wrong, and this is all just my imagination…

I could ask-

‘No!’

Or, not?

I start to try and think about the first time we met, and I can almost see a smile that wavers from almost childlike to another more mature before Kay grabs my attention.

“Oh! Hey, you're up. Did I wake up? I’m sorry, I tried to be quiet, but these stupid pans seem to have a mind of their own.”

I smile at her almost laughing.

“No, it’s fine, I needed to get up.”

She smiles and turns back to what I can now see as scrambled eggs on the stove.

“You could have slept in if you wanted to. I’m surprised that Alice isn’t already up, but I wanted to let her sleep a little longer if she needs it. I think the past couple of days are taking a toll on her.”

I go to the cabinet to grab down some coffee to make us some and slam the cabinet a little harder than I meant to, and grimace at it for a moment at being too loud.

“Sorry.” I whisper almost waiting for someone to wake up, forgetting that there is no one else that would have woken up from it.

Kay laughs.

“It’s spreading, but no, it’s fine.”

Oh, yeah…

Being with her kind of makes me back in the headspace of when we lived with Mom, and I realize for a split second, she was the one I was worried would wake up.

It makes me think of a time where she did because we were being a little too loud my senior year when Kay came to live with us the second time. She worked late the night before, and it was like everything that morning was just trying to be loud and wake her up. Eventually she did, and it wasn't the best morning after that to say the least. We all practically got kicked out for the day, and Kay took Sydney and me to the mall while the boys went off to do their own little thing. I can’t remember why, but I was just really depressed that day. I know I get like that sometimes, but something about that day I remember being really hard for a specific reason…

What was it?

Wait, Peter was there, or… the demon?

How do I remember that?

It’s sort of like it’s, just, there, but there is no way I wouldn’t have known that I knew that before. Not when that thing was there.

I start to get lost down another trail of thoughts as I make the coffee and click into auto pilot for now.

I don’t fully listen to Kay as she goes on about something, which I feel bad for, but still can’t seem to focus on anything other than my thoughts.

He was there, but, no he wasn’t?

It’s like I can remember moments where he was, and others where he… felt there? Or maybe he wasn’t, and I just think that I did.

I’m not sure…

But, was he the reason I wasn’t feeling right that day?

Nnnnooooo…..

‘It was Liam.’

????

Was it?

I try to think about it a little more before hearing steps above us, and I know that Alice is up.

 “Oh, here she comes.” Kay says as she puts a hand on my back before passing behind me to head up stairs.

I’m about to go back to being an auto pilot when I notice a burning feeling tingling on the back of my head as if someone is behind me, watching me.

‘Don’t turn around.’

No, I have to.

There’s this urge there that compels me to, even though I’m well aware that with no one else here, it’s likely something watching me.

It’s probably just Peter anyway.

I know that’s not the case, but I let myself believe it enough to look behind me.

Thankfully, though, there’s no one there, and the only thing that’s there watching me is my own reflection. Though…

‘Someone’s there…’

Mmmmmm, but, nnno, it’s got to be nothing.

Is it?

I turn around again, and the feeling is still there, and I’m both petrified and trying hard to convince myself that it’s all in my head.

‘You’re crazy, remember?’

‘Not everything is something. Sometimes, it’s only your imagination.’

That has to be it.

Alice comes running down the stairs, I can tell by how loud they are, before she meets me in the kitchen laughing almost as loud as her steps. Today is not the best day for loud noises for me it seems, yet still, I try to repress the slight aggravation each one hits me with. I can tell that I’m still over stimulated from the past couple of days.

Kay now too comes running into the kitchen smiling before jerking Alice back as she heads toward the stove, and it sets me on guard. She pulls her daughter to face her before rushing to sign to her.

‘It’s Hot! Careful, stove on.’

Alice signs back to her.

‘Sorry. Hungry?’

I turn back to finishing the coffee and then grabbing down the plates as Kay grabs down a packet of muffins for Alice. It’s one of the safe foods she told me about. Kay made me a list of them for each meal posted on the inside of the cabinet door for when I watch her.

Kay again puts a hand on my back before reaching into the cabinet above me to grab down a mug.

“Oh, I already made you some.”

I push hers to her, and see something on her face as she smiles and speaks in a kind tone.

“Please don’t hate me, but, I, uh, don’t like other people making my coffee. Don't Get me wrong! I love and appreciate that you did, I’m just… Particularly about it, so… IIIIII’m gonna have to make mine. If you want to have two, great, but otherwise, I can dump it. I’m sorry, I really am, I should have said something, I really do appreciate it though.”

I give her a warm grin because I should have remembered that. Not about the coffee specifically, but she’s always been picky with her things. I am proud of her for actually speaking up about it because when we were younger, she would always deal with it instead to not make others mad.

“No, it’s fine, and yeah, I’m great with two cups. And thank you for telling me. I know that must have been hard.”

I try to be encouraging to her, and something about what I said seems to ease her. It’s subtle, but it’s as if I can feel something let go from her as this smile from her seems lighter, but also more tired.

“She’s not genuine. She’s only trying to appease you because you're too difficult to deal with.”

I notice a figure peeking its head out from behind Kay as it speaks directly to her.

Nope, nah ah, we’re not doing this.

I’m almost angry that it’s here more so than I am scared. I look back at Kay and pray for the right words.

Lord, deal with this… thing, please. And help me to cancel out its lies.

“This may seem random, but you were always my favorite cousin. I always thought you were so cool because of how kind you always were to everyone and tried to help everyone to be like you. So, I’m thankful that you trusted me enough to be here for you.”

I keep my focus on Kay as the thing disappears. I can still feel it, somewhere, but it seems to have left at least the kitchen.

“Really? You don’t know how much that means to me. I’ve been trying to work through things, I started to go to therapy, but sometimes it’s hard, you know? You can get these thoughts in your head, and even though you can try to rationalize them away, sometimes, it’s hard not to let them stick. Thank you, for real, I really needed that right now.”

Again, it’s like something just breaks off of her. Not much, but definitely something as she’s a little lighter.