It took me six months.

The first thing I worked on was my stability. I noticed during performances that my voice was way shakier than the others. I practiced jogging in place while singing my lines, alongside singing while doing my “morning” (afternoon) runs, which helped my endurance, something I also lacked. On top of that, I realized that my dancing was ‘so so’ compared to the others because every movement I made was too weak, so I practiced how to distribute the right amount of energy for each movement.

The whole monitoring thing everyone does after a performance, I’ve come to realize how much I’ve taken it for granted. I assumed the first step wouldn’t take so long. One look, a few notes, and everything would be clear, and I could get to practicing. But there were so many things to fix, it was overwhelming. And above all else, it was difficult because I kept losing myself. My attention was constantly diverted from me, not only towards Kagane but to the rest of the members. I had no presence.

So, outside of all my other flaws, I prioritized strengthening my appeal. Because, to be honest, I’m only here for my visuals anyway. It’ll be a long time before I have the marks of a competent vocalist or a skilled dancer, but my features have always been cute. I figured learning how to be more expressive with it, in the right way, would take me far. And it did.

“Here she is,” Haruka hands me off to the staff member waiting outside.

“Yuzu, we’re running late. C’mon, let’s go,” the staff member takes my hand and, with brisk steps, guides me to the car.

The schedules I’m used to were radio schedules. They took place at night, so typically I never have to wake up earlier than the afternoon for personal schedules. But now that my popularity has risen, a few variety shows requested me, and they film SO early.

I think if there was any downside to this ‘work harder become more successful’ thing, it’s these obscene filming times interfering with my sleep schedule. Even with a face full of makeup and my pretty much complete (ignoring the bang roller) hair, I’m still not completely awake. I overslept, one of my members had to help me get ready, and now everyone’s waiting for me.

When the staff member opens the car for me, I yawn and step into a van with as much urgency as someone like me could have in the morning. I sit in a daze till the car door’s thunderous slam snaps me away from dreamland. Eyes wide and blinking for really only a few seconds, I fasten my seat belt and sit back in my seat.

If I can’t sleep in bed, I’ll sleep a little longer in the car. My arms cross around the other, pressing into my chest. I place my cheek against the car seat, facing away from the window behind me.

“Kagane!?”

She’s sitting across from me, observing me with bitter, squinted eyes and a grimace. Before she can say anything, the manager steps into the driver’s seat and complains.

“Kase, was it seriously too troublesome to wake her up?”

“It’s her responsibility to wake herself up. I’m not wasting my time to handle that for her.”

I’m so drowsy, I forgot I share this joint schedule with Kagane. Thinking about it now, I feel so energized.

Lately, we’ve been requested for different gigs together. Which means I’ve gotten to spend a lot of time with her. Which has been an absolute joy for me. For her, however, despite my efforts to stay out of her way, I believe it’s been aggravating. It kinda hurts, but what can I do? Kagane is simply too put together for someone like me to keep up with.

“I’m sorry, Kagane, I did set my alarm. Like twenty of them—”

“Yeah, I know you slept through all of them. I could hear it the whole morning,” she snaps. Sighing, she turns and looks out the window.

The car starts, and we’re on our way. The radio plays on a low volume as the manager speaks to someone on the phone. Kagane scrolls on her’s. She looks so normal and so pretty. Eventually, my view closes beneath my eyelids, and the events around me fade.

“We’ve arrived!”

My catch-up sleep was deeper than usual. Typically, I wake up a few minutes before we pull in, but only now am I waking up in front of the filming site.

The car windows show towering skyscrapers and a much brighter sun. From inside the car, the squeals and cheers from fans reach us in a muffled blur. Cameras and press hollering to one another in preparation for when we get out.

With everyone right outside, I’ll have to gather my bearings faster. I shorten my yawn and spread my arms for a quick stretch. But my hand doesn’t travel far before it runs into something. It’s a little warm. The car seat feels so warm, too. Is it because I’m lying against it, or did we get heated seats? But it’s a little softer than a car seat. When I press further against it, it doesn’t feel like leather at all. It’s soft.

It’s an arm.

What am I leaning my head against?

Kagane meets my baffled ogling with a heated scowl. She glowers down at me as my head rests between her heart and her shoulder. There’s nothing that could force me awake faster than that look.

The back of my head hits the window from the force I pull away, but I hardly mind the pain. “Kase! I’m SO sorry, I had no clue I did that. I was asleep! I quite literally have no idea I did that!”

“You choose the most interesting times to address me formally,” she opens the door and steps outside, closing it with a firm hand.

“Wait, Kagane!”

I chase after her. Crush aside, I obviously would never want to pass Kagane’s boundaries. Also, she’s scary, and I don’t want her holding a grudge. So now my legs are walking in two time speed to catch up to her long strides. She stops when I step in front of her with my hands pressed together in a plea.

“I’m sorry, Kagane. Really, I didn’t mean it! It must’ve happened when the car turned or something. I don’t know. I was so tired. You’re not mad at me, are you?”

Unlike before, she meets me with a neutral temperament. Whispers and confused utterances reach me. We’re in public for the world to see. Of course, she’d hide the true nature the public couldn’t handle or appreciate, but inside, I know it’s quite different.

I’ve come to her begging, preparing for a scolding for everyone to see, implying I have a reason to fear Kagane. Like an airhead, as always when it comes to her, I forgot that. When you’re a public figure, let alone an idol, you maintain public relations like walking a tightrope at a circus. Everyone wishes for a successful cross, but some watch with morbid curiosity for a fall. In that realm, Kagane walks the line like the stablest ground. But because of me, the rope has begun to tremble. She must be so pissed, not only did I sleep on top of her, but I possibly placed her in a scandal.

Her palm descends. Closing in from above, time slows down like it’s the end of my days. Everything from this morning till now flashes through her fingers. I might as well imagine the hospital lights from when I first opened my eyes. A fitting end regarding my transgression. It’s right to meet my fate with mine closed.

But I only feel a hand on my head. Soft and gentle too. Her fingers ruffle my hair in small movements as her palm slides back and forth across my hair. I thought she would grab my ears, pull my hair a little, and shake me around, but she’s… Is she? Is Kagane?

Is Kagane patting my head???

A thunderous roar of screams and squeals had long since erupted, and I know my thoughts to be true.

When she sees the bewildered look on my face, she pulls away. Her fingers bend then relax as they return to her side.

“You’re overthinking,” she says and passes me to the studio. Waving to fans with that graceful smile and posture of her’s.

Maybe the head pat was a distraction, but it seems no one cares if we were arguing, so maybe I was overreacting.

Later that night, I’m walking back to my bed after taking a shower to find that Kagane sent me a message. It’s an app that makes your phone vibrate and forces users to solve a puzzle before they can turn off their alarm.

The link came with an instruction, “Put it under your pillow.”

Surrounded by fluffy pastel plushies, Kagane lies far from consciousness. A sight that would conflict with many’s perception of her, that has become natural to me.

I would thank her, but there’s no way I can unless I wake her up. Which would not only ruin her perfect sleep schedule but also end my life. I opt to thank her in the morning, most likely the afternoon, depending on when I wake up.

Honestly, after today, I might sleep for a whole month, but I’ve been thinking that a lot recently