As expected, the app Kagane recommended worked wonders! I haven’t slept through an alarm since. Truly, I’ve been so punctual because of her. As always, she’s the best!

Still tired though.

I can’t help but yawn. Unlike those around me, I sit in my chair wrapped snug in drowsiness. The staff has piled us into a meeting room together to discuss the next single. The songs, concepts, who centers, and the possible promotions we’ll do.

“The center for b-side one will be Rina.”

Rina perks up from the announcement, mouth agape. Reality doesn’t settle in until the rest of us applaud her. In which her lips morph into a soft smile, quickly covered by the palms of her hands. As she leans back into her chair, bowing to every member’s praise. It’s her first center after all. Rina has her own unique, captivating energy, so it’s about time she got her chance to lead a song.

“Moving on to the final b-side,” the staff member cues another off to the side to press play.

Upbeat jazz melodies fill the air. The demo singer’s voice bounces between two tones throughout the song. The bridge slows with tentative piano, before exploding in the final chorus. Horns, saxophones, and vocals bursting and interlocking with one another. The song name is Hidden Desires, and it sounds like a hit. A fan favorite, at least.

“Sounds sexy!” Aoi raises her hand, “Has the center already been decided. Cause if not, let me be it!” Her outburst gains her groans and playful shoves from Bibi and Kasumi.

“This song is a duo subunit song with Kase.”

Simply uttered, her name sobers the room. Kagane sits in her seat, the corner of the oval table, with both her legs and arms crossed. She looks at the staff member intently, ignoring our stares, and the newfound tension in the room.

It’s not that Kagane is a bad person to work with. Quite the opposite, when I worked with her on a class project in college, she was so knowledgeable, focused, and always had something in mind to account for my failures.

It’s a little daunting, working with an intimidating person like Kagane. If you make a bad mistake, she won’t say anything and keep her thoughts to herself. But the glare she’ll give you makes her judgment clear enough.

Performing alongside such a strong idol can dull your shine. When you’re next to Kagane, you will pale by comparison. Not that group work is a competition, but that the difference detracts. Instructors commonly critique members to “pick it up a little” when they’re standing next to Kagane. Even if it’s a few seconds in the formation, within the crowd of ten members total, next to Kagane, you must give it your all. Lest you appear out of sync and lazy. I feel like she holds back because of this.

“Kase and who?” Another member asks.

But I don’t think Kagane should have to make herself smaller for the rest of us. As icy as she is, I can tell she wants to be in a group more than anything else. Investors and company figures have suggested a departure from the group for solo activities, and she turned them all down. Her care and dedication show through her hard work. What must she feel now that the announcement of a duo performance frightens her own members?

It would be nice if I could make things better for her. I want Kagane to feel as if she’s not a burden and to no longer feel the weight of the group’s prestige on her shoulders. That we can support the group as much as she does, and even though it’s a little daunting, we still enjoy working alongside her. At the very least, selfishly, I’d like to be the one person. Yet, realistically, I’m aeons away from being capable of that, let alone performing alongside her in a duo.

“Yuzu.”

“Hmmm?” I perk up when the producer calls my name.

I accidentally spaced out. Fortunately, they’ve gotten tired of scolding me for it. Now my group members giggle as they are now. The staff members typically wave it off, but today I’m met with a serious disposition as they reiterate.

“The subunit is you and Kase.”

I launch forward in my seat, drowsiness falling from my shoulders. “Wait, really?!”

“Yes,” the producer goes on to explain the general public’s interest in me and Kagane’s dynamic. The head pat Kagane bestowed upon me was as much of a shock to the public as it was to me. Now everyone yearns for more. Ratings of programs we attend together soar. Girls have been attending group shows to see if there are any more moments to witness. But truthfully, we don’t interact much on stage. Choreographers try to keep us at a distance. Skill gap and all.

I throw my hands in the air. “Yayyy!!!”

Who cares if it’s daunting? I wanna do it! Oh, I’m so excited. A subunit song, and a sexy one at that, with only the two of us. I’m gonna faint! These are the thrills that we live life for!

My outburst broke through the tension, gaining chuckles. Kagane scoffs, huffs, and rolls her eyes. She tightens the cross of her arms before glaring off to the side.

“Um, Kase,” Rina asks, “Are you uncomfortable with this?”

The woman’s eyes stay in the same place, practically burning the carpet with a scowl.

“No,” she utters, “It’s fine.”

Kagane may not have rejected me, but I still need to work hard to keep up with her. Ever since the announcement, I’ve been practicing more and more on my dancing and vocal technique. I don’t really know if I’m capable of blending in with Kagane, and I don’t know if I ever will, but I’ve set my sights on holding my own. I don’t want to make her look bad.

Recording the song in the studio proved that I still have much more to work on.

While Kagane sang all her lines perfectly, producer corrections slim to none, I struggled. The song was more vocally intensive than anything I’ve sung. There was a lot of trial and error from the producers and me to get the right result.

When I finished recording my lines, the producers praised me. They said my improvement was immense, and the session went way better than they planned. I worried I was wasting Kagane’s time. She couldn’t leave because after my solo lines, we would record the chorus. Sung in unison.

Throughout my half of the session, Kagane cycled through scrolling on her phone, typing a blog post on her laptop, taking walks outside the studio, and coming back to see if we were done. She never complained, but of course, you can tell.

I’ve been practicing my lines intensely ever since.

Sitting in the practice room, I’m rehearsing once again. When Kagane enters, placing her bag on the floor. She sees the way I’m looking at her (a little embarrassed), and her eyes dart away. She puts her hair into a high ponytail.

Today, we will be learning the choreography for the unit song. Kagane typically arrives early, after a quick jog, to stretch and warm up. I feel a little too embarrassed to practice singing in my room with Kagane right next to me and all. I don’t want to disturb my members either, so I came early as well. There’s nothing really honorable about how early I’ve arrived, but I say it anyway.

“Shocked, I came before you?”

Kagane answers with a “hmm,” which I can’t tell if it’s in agreement or dismissal. Her hands release from her ponytail, and it swings between her scapulae like a pendulum. She reaches down for her water bottle, causing it to fall over her shoulder, exposing how pretty her back is. Her head leans back, long necks stretching upwards, to take a sip. But not one drop comes out.

“Ah, mine is too,” my mouth moves on its own.

Kagane’s azure pupils swivel to me underneath those long eyelashes of hers, and it pushes me forward, “Like me to refill it for you? Both of ours. That way you can stretch before the choreographer arrives.”

“It’s down the hall. I don’t need you to do that for me,” she says, “Your water bottle is full. You clearly just refilled it.”

My water bottle has droplets running down the sides from when I refilled it about 2 minutes ago.

“You didn’t think I’d notice?” she turns to leave, bottle in hand.

“I didn’t think at all,” I say, and she pauses, “I told you, didn’t I. I can’t think around you.”

When Kagane snaps her neck to me, I come back to my senses. “I wanted to help you. You wouldn’t take my offer of kindness if I were upfront.”

“Is it an offer of kindness, or for benefits?” She spits.

It takes me a few seconds to really understand. “Hmm? You mean like because of my crush on you?” Kagane flinches at the word crush, “Is there really a need to separate the two? They go hand in hand, don’t they?”

“I like you, so I want to help you. For small things and the things you care about.”

Kagane bites the inside of her lip and swallows before replying. “Why?”

“Why?”

“I don’t get it. Why all this affection for me, when I’ve been nothing but abrasive to you and everyone?”

“Because some people are a little rough around the edges,” I say, “And you’re really not as abrasive as you say. You’re only like that when I aggravate you.”

“So you know you piss me off?”

I ignore her to finish my assurance. I want her to know this.

“All the members know you care so much and that you love the group. You’re so focused and dedicated. The hard work you put in, writing the blogs, practicing relentlessly, and staying so booked. It’s not only for yourself, and we all recognize that…

So I don’t want you to wonder why any of us or anyone would want to treat you with kindness. We care about you, too, you know.”

She doesn’t say anything. I watch to see if she understands, but I can’t tell if it’s seeping in or if she’s trying to block it out. Whenever Kagane looks puzzled, be it facing writer’s block, watching the instructor teach a new move, or mulling over something I said, she simply looks so cute to me. My heart melts a little.

“Plus, I kinda like it when you yell at me,” My hands find their way to my cheeks, “It’s like I can feel all of your passion!”

The puzzled levels in her brows morph into a unified sour tilt. Despite this, she still stands in front of me. Typically, she would’ve clicked her tongue and left me now. Everything from her stable, unapproving scrutiny to her firmly planted feet gives me this weighty feeling in my chest. My hands fall, and my fingers cascade one another.

“And since your passion comes from your care, that means you don’t completely hate me, right?”

Kagane’s moment of silence ends with two huffs. The first one was frustrated. She scans me up and down. For a second I think she’s gonna say, ‘of course, I hate you.’ But then comes the second. The burst of air holds not annoyance, but pompousness.

She cocks her head to the side. “Really? So supposedly, I care for everyone but possibly not you, is that correct?” She asks, “You really worry about that? You like me that much, do you?”

I thought I was being completely upfront, but for some reason, it’s like Kagane has seen straight through me to a secret unknown to me. Like defenses I never knew of, were destroyed.

“Yes, Kagane,” I breathe, “ Everything about you is so amazing in such a grand way. You’re amazing, there’s no way… I could like you less.”

“Hmm? And you mean that?”

I nod like an idiot, and she comes closer, hands on her hips, a slick sway with every step. I brave her approach like a deer staring down the lights of a semi truck. The shadow enveloping me in this brightly lit studio, the warmth of exhaust pipes painting my cheeks, the headlights blind my own pupils with a wide and excited smile on her face. One I’ve never seen before.

“Well, then, Yuzu,” she says, coming, lowering herself to my height, breath tickling my upper lip, “I’ll be holding you to that.”

Her eyes continue to penetrate me as mine blink; she waits till I swallow, watching my Adam’s apple before returning to scald me, “Don’t. Disappoint me.”

Unfamiliar smile dropping to her frown, Kagane grips me in her gaze, until she turns her back to me. She reaches for the water bottle she dropped and leaves the room. Never looking back, she slams the door, leaving me in a whirlwind.

What does she mean? I’ve watched Kagane for years as an admirer. Although I don’t understand her all the time, never has her words, behavior, body language, literally everything, been so foreign to me. I couldn’t understand any of it. What does she mean? Why did she do that? What will she do… to me?

I stand in the dark, empty room, fluorescent light sears me, as the questions repeat, amalgamate, break apart, scramble, conjoin with no end. Every gust of wind from the AC seems to touch me everywhere. Sounds filled with possibilities, opportunities, danger, all in my ear. I cannot decipher them.

The room is silent.