When Clay got to Horton Ravine where Tina lived with her mom and brother, she let him in with a nervous smile on his lips. She shut the door behind him and they stood staring at each other for an awkward moment.

"Oh, finaly. I thought you wouldn't make it." Her voice was light as she spread her arms wide and stepped forward to pull him into a swell hug.

Clay allowed her, folding his arms around her as she squeezed him tightly. He buried his nose in her hair and inhaled her familiar scent of lavender and floral shampoo — warmth and comfort. She was much shorter than him and felt small and delicate in his arms, although she wasn't a small woman. She was average built with generous curves that felt stony against him now despite years of familiarity.

But after weeks of being with Sam, it felt strange for Clay to be the larger person in an embrace again. Tina sniffled quietly and Clay caught the watery glint in her eyes when she pulled away. She wiped them with the back of her palm.

"I'm sorry" She apologized. "It's just that.. just that these past few weeks have been so strange without you, but I haven't spent them pining over you, just so you know.”

"It's fine." Clay felt the tight knot of emotion in his chest too. He understood perfectly what she was passing through.

"This is ridiculous." She managed a laugh. “I finally have you here with me after being apart for so long and I'm crying...” She laughed again and wiped her eyes.

"I understand." Clay smiled, nodding. "You look...different by the way. In a good way though."

She really did. Tina's cheeks was more full and had more colour than she'd had during the last few strenuous weeks before she moved out. She'd cut her flaxen hair to be shorter in a curt bob which suited her, framing her face and enhancing her features.

"Thanks." Her laugh was stronger and genuine now. "So do you. I always like your hair in a sleek ponytail. It tames your curls and makes you look hot."

Clay blushed, running a hand through his mop of hair. He liked it too, not changing outwardly even one bit since Sam came into his life. Sam liked to tangle his fingers in it when Clay plunged into him, and he suppressed a grin.

Yeah, the ponytail stays.

"Where are my manners, come have a drink dear." She moved to the kitchen, Clay following closely behind.

"Over there's your stuff" She gestured to a cardboard box tucked farther under the stairs. "Well, the pamphlets are the only thing of yours I've found so far. There might be other stuff."

"Thanks."

The kitchen was hot from the heat of the oven, and the smell of chicken saturating the air made Clay's mouth water. He'd finished the cleaning and writing in record time and had come straight here. It was nearly two thirty now and he hadn't eaten anything since Sam left.

"Beer? Lemon drop?" Tina offered, poised to open the cupboard Clay guessed contained the glasses. "I've got wine too."

"Beer's fine." He had to drive home later, so that seemed safer given the size of wineglasses Tina had purchased to take with her when she moved out.

"Oops, I just remembered l gave out the last bottle to James yesterday. Sorry. He's the one who normally drinks it whenever he comes over."

"Oh, of course. Well, lemon drop, then, thanks. I've never actually taken one to be honest."

Tina passed him a bottle filled with thick, creamy yellow liquid that fizzled in bright sparkles. She leaned against the kitchen counter, sipping at her own drink while he lifted his bottle and drank.

The lemon drop was sweet and sharp with an almost citrus taste to it. It was the best drink Clay had ever tasted.

"It's quite cheap by the way. A bottle costs ten dollars." She told him when he asked her about it. The drink was so cold, and it hurt slightly when swallowed, sending tendrils out into his bloodstream. He took another mouthful, savoring the delicate flavor.

"So, how's life in Bristol City?"

"It's okay," Clay replied. "I don't go out much so it's quiet for me. It's not that different with you away really. The flat's looking livelier now that I have Sam — "

The oven timer beeped, interrupting them. Clay was grateful for the timely distraction: he wasn't sure he was ready to let her know about Sam yet, unless she asked and also to start answering too many questions about his new life.

He watched as Tina did a silent dance around the kitchen, putting some bread in the oven to warm after she poked at a few chicken strips which she took out and placed on a hob. She lifted the lid off the dish and fragrant steam poured out. She stirred and tested a piece of it. "Perfect." She said, more to herself than Clay.

He got up to help her lay the table, getting out the water glasses and jug. He figured if he needed to get home early and into Sam's arms, he had to get this visit over with quickly. The once familiar kitchen dance of their two small bodies in a small space was already gnawing at his gut. He felt guilty. "Sorry." He jerked back as he bumped into her where she was bent over pulling plates out of a cupboard.

"It's okay. Please sit down, you're my guest. I've got this."

The food was great, chicken divan and hot bread with chunks of vegetables and barley in a rich, thick sauce. The bread was the perfect accompaniment. As they ate and conversed, their discussion gradually turned to mutual friends and acquaintances, then to reminiscing about old times and fond memories when they were still college students.

Tina fetched a second bottle of lemon drop for him and one more for herself from the fridge. “Here,” she offered.

Clay nodded, thanked her and poured some into his glass.

"Did you hear that Ralph finally put a ring on it and is now married to Evie?" Tina asked.

Clay shook his head, surprised. "No, didn't know. I thought he was bisexual and had broken up with her?"

Ralph was a friend from university, one of Tina's old housemates before she'd moved in with Clay. Clay remembered having a teeny weeny crush on him when he always came around to visit Tina.

"Yeah, but he went to a conversion camp and they patched up when he got back last month. They've been together for weeks and Evie's pregnant. A honeymoon baby I'm sure." Tina grinned, but there was a hint of wistfulness in her expression that shot Clay through with uneasiness. "I never thought he had it in him to.. change."

She was silent for a moment, mopping at the bread as though she'd spot a bug on it. Then she blurted out. “Anyways, that's his life. I'm seeing someone by the way. I just wanted to tell you." She glanced up at Clay, her green eyes bright and a smile tugged at her lips.

"That's great" he replied. "I'm happy for you. How did you both meet?"

"Well, at the coffee shop. Actually, I'd been stalking him even while we were still together. So when I moved out, I grew balls and went up to chat with him. We became friends and he asked me on a date. He's called Milo."

Clay didn't know what to say, and Tina went on talking. "He's so sweet and a nice guy.”

"So, what you both have going on... its serious then?" Clay thrummed his fingertips on the rim of his glass, running it around the edge and making it squeak.

"Somehow. I feel we're getting somewhere" Tina sighed dreamily, grinning. "Definitely getting somewhere." She picked up her glass again, holding it gently to her lips as she sipped. "It's really good to see you, Clay. Mother came by this morning with your favourite stack of brownies. I told her you'd come by this afternoon."

She touched the back of his hand lightly with her fingertips when she put down her glass. "I thought it might be here having you here, but it's fine. I'm happy we're still friends, we were
always good at that part."

"Yeah, we were." Clay's heart went out to her; an echo of the love he'd felt for her when he had thought that things were different, but he was different. He still loved her, and he always would but it was simpler now he was with Sam.

He was glad they could still be in each other's lives.

He helped her clear the dishes away and they went to the living room to sit beside each other on the sofa and she put her feet on his lap like old times when they watched TV together and for a moment, it felt as though the past three months had never happened.

Had it only been three months since Clay had turned their lives upside down? It felt like a lifetime ago since Clay sat like this with her back at his place, fooling himself thinking that was the life he wanted.

"So, what about you?" Tina's drowsy voice dragged him out of his musings.

"What about me?" He tried to play dumb, but he knew exactly what she meant from the look in her eyes.

"Are you seeing anyone?" She smirked at him. "Getting laid?"

He laughed, dropping his gaze to her feet instead of looking at her face. She was wearing comfy, fluffy socks designed for wearing around the house rather than under shoes, he presumed, because they were so thick and soft.

“Um... yeah. Kinda." He felt the heat crawl up his cheeks and waited for the onslaught of questions that were bound to follow.

"Tell me." Her voice was gentle, which surprised him.

It felt wrong talking to her about the arrangement with Sam but there was no one else to tell and she seemed keen to hear him.

"His name's Sam. He moved into our neighborhood the last time you visited. I think you even met him on your way out."

Recognition flared in those bright, green eyes. "Oh, my God, that sexy blond guy? Wow, who would've thought."

Clay nodded. "Yup. The darker guy is his brother." Clay relaxed a bit, leaning back on the sofa as he talked. Warmth and excitement unfurled in his chest as he thought about Sam. "He's older than me by a few years and mature too. He's really a nice guy and so easy to be around."

"And drop-dead gorgeous. He's such an eye candy and for a while back there I wanted to keep on seeing him. I didn't know he swinged your way. Thank goodness I didn't do anything stupid that day." Tina snuggled a little lower on her side of the sofa. "So, it's something serious right? You're blushing."

Not able to help it, Clay burst out laughing, struggling to play it cool. "I'm smitten, that's for sure. But — "

Admitting that out loud was oddly fleeting, as though he suddenly had the wind under his feet and could spread his wings out. "I like what we have between us. I mean, I like fucking him, Tina. And I also think I'm falling for him."

"Cut to the chase and tell me, you don't seem as happy as you claim."

Clay sighed. "It's a no-strings attached arrangement. A friends-with-benefits type of thing. That's what we had in mind in the beginning.”

"And it's no more the case now, right? It's gone past that for you, l can tell."

Clay nodded, thinking about Sam's one-sided smirk, his short but fulfilling laugh, the warmth of his muscular body spooning Clay at night and smiled. "Yes. I... love him, Tina."

"Why don't you tell him how you feel? You'd be shocked to discover he feels the same way."

"I don't know. I feel that telling him is going to ruin everything." Clay turned and looked at her. "He's the one who offered the experimentation. Telling him my feelings would imply I'm greedy and put me under a bad light before him. I mean, we both promised each other not to get attached." He felt his cheeks gathering heat. "I don't think he's expecting this to get serious. I have no idea if he'd want to be with me."

"You'll never know unless you ask him."

Tina rubbed her toes against his stomach, then retracted them. "So, what if he was giving you a few pointers on how to be gay? That doesn't mean you're not allowed to fall for him, does it? Do you need to sleep with more men to prove you like dick?"

"No I don't." He said sharply. "I knew I as gay before Sam came by, anyway. I just didn't know how to go about it as you know."

"So you're trying to say that you used this experimentation as a guise to get into his pants?" Her smirk was pure evil. In a good way.

Clay avoided her eyes. "Well, it worked both ways for us. And he proposed it, not me."

"Seriously Clay, the ball's in your court. If you really love Sam as you claim — and I think you do — then you should man the fuck up and tell him because it'd make a lot of things easier for the both of you. I'm positive he feels the same way, it's hard not to like you."

"But what if he doesn't? That would put an end to everything." Clay's voice rose in frustration. "He's a handsome guy. He doesn't do relationships. His former fuckbuddy wanted that with him but he refused. I don't want to risk scaring him off too."

"So how do you feel living a lie by pretending you're not in love with him and just carry on taking what you can get? You're letting him believe you're not interested in anything more than just his dick." Tina's words were harsh and the stark truth of them was unavoidable, but her tone was soft.

"You know what, forget it." Clay dropped the subject, unwilling to discuss it any further with her.

"Tell him Clay. You'd feel better even if he rejects you. At least you'd get it off your chest."

"Alright." Clay nodded, blinking back the tears that stung at the back of his eyelids. He knew Tina was right, but he was too scared of losing Sam if he came clean, "Let's talk about something else, please."

"Oh, baby boy." Tina whipped her feet off his lap and scooted closer to pull him into a hug. "I'm so sorry for being bossy. You know him better, you do, you do what you feel is right."

He returned the hug, angling his body to make it less awkward. "Thanks, Tina,” he muttered, kissing the top of her head.