(Madison)

We’ve been back at Kay’s new place for a couple of hours now. It’s evening, and I am definitely both ready for bed, and trying my best to postpone. I can read clearly enough my desire to go to sleep in the hope that I’ll see him again, so in a sort of rebellion against myself, if only to prove that I don’t want to, I push sleep off as long as possible. It does help that I know that he won’t be the only one waiting. I was hoping it wouldn’t happen again, but too often when I sleep away from home, I have nightmares. Or more so, night terrors as my therapist told me. I didn’t know that was what they were until a few years ago. I just always thought that they were my normal case of nightmares, but the very fact I’m conscious while it’s happening, whether my eyes are open or not, qualifies them.

Something about being in a foreign environment tends to cause me to be attacked. I don’t know what the reason is, just that it is. I’ve had night terrors in general for as long as I can remember, but something about being away from home makes them more consistent. That and nightmares in general. I’m almost certain they are some kind of spiritual attack, but it’s not like I can tell that to people so freely and they not think I’m crazy.

But… It didn't happen at Kalston’s.

Did it?

I try to think back, but I don’t think I did. I know that was my first night seeing… him, but there weren't any nightmares or terrors at all. It’s odd… but not something I’m going to question.

I have been texting Kalston throughout the day, and have found myself slipping back into hoping that maybe, things can be more with us. The longer today went, the more I forgot about… him, and held onto Kalston instead. Something else I’m grateful for.

You really are something, aren’t you?

Thank you, Lord. Please, just… let me love him. Let me be what he needs like he is for me. Help me to be better for him. For you of course, but you and him.

I know God knows my heart, but sometimes I feel the need to still voice…think? Clarify. Sometimes I feel the need to clarify what we both know is in my heart. Like bringing it out is the right thing to do.

“Hey, do you want me to pour you a glass?”

Kay asks me from the kitchen as I’m in the guest room that I’m currently using,when I stay here. I’m putting up the last box. This one was mine that I didn’t fully remember putting at her place until I was walking around the attic. The memory was sort of, just there.

“Uh, yeah, sounds great. I’ll be in there in a moment. Are we still ordering in, or do you want me to make something?”

I put the box on the bed as I look through it.

What’s even in here?

“I was going to order something. I was thinking about getting Chick-fil-a for Alice and I. Do you want the same, or something else?”

“Uh, yeah, that sounds fine. Let me know when you guys have your order in, and I’ll put mine in after.”

Is that where that went?

I see my old stuffed unicorn buried under some clothes.

I thought I lost this…

It’s the first thing that was mine. Mom said that it was the only thing besides some clothes that I had with me when I was brought to her. I take it out as Kay comes into the room

“Okay, I’m done, here- Oh! Hey, I remember that old thing. You used to take that thing everywhere. How did it end up in my place?” She asks as confused as I am.

Apparently me…

“I don’t know. I found it in this box. I think the box is mine, so I guess somehow it got mixed up in yours when you moved out.”

“Oh, well, at least now you have it back. What else is in there?”

She leans over my shoulder as I rifle through the box of old clothes. The clothes themselves seem like random ones we grew out of long before Kay moved out. I see a wooden jewelry box that I don’t recognize and open it. There is a small key on a necklace with a heart, and a ring. It has an amethyst surrounded by small diamonds. My heart drops as I pick it up.

“Is that yours too?”

…

I can feel myself wanting to cry, but I can’t understand why. I’ve not seen either thing before… but I think I have.

“Is that-” Kay begins to ask something before I cut her off.

“My engagement ring?” I don’t know how I know, but do. Something deep in me knows the importance of these things, and who…

What Am I Forgetting!

I know now more than ever that there is far more about my past that I can’t remember. Things that I should, and I don’t like it.

We were engaged?!

That realization breaks something in me, and I can see a glimpse in front of me of us in a small wooden shed as the ring sits in a little black box in my hands. Liam sitting in front of me, and me feeling happier than I ever have to have him with me.

The memory sparks something in me. Both like this flame of desire for him is lit, and as if my heart is ripped out of my chest all in the same moment, which leaves me standing there numb the next second as it’s too much for me right now.

No….

No.

“I didn’t know you guis… How about, we just… put the box up for now, and forget him for tonight.”

Kay takes the ring out of my hand to put it back into the jewelry box, and shuts it as I still only stand there trying to process it all.

I need to talk to him. He has to know, right? This is not all in my head…

What happened between us?

This whole time I thought he was some random boy who hurt my feelings over the summer, and I’ve been overplaying it this whole time, but it’s clear that’s not the case. He wasn’t just ‘some boy’, he was someone important to me.

So, Why Can’t I REMEMBER!?!

No, Kay’s right. I just need to forget this for tonight.

But, I'm tired of forgetting. Which makes it harder as we spend the night goofing off, and yet my phone keeps ending up in my hands. First it’s to check it to see if Matt responded before trailing off for a moment looking… him up. Then it’s responding to Kalston and feeling guilty because he deserves better. Next it’s a couple of glasses of wine in and Kay putting Alice to bed as I find his channel, and even a link to his social page.

"You're only going to hurt yourself, Darling. He forgot all about you, so forget about him.” Peter tells me as he sits in Kay’s seat on my left.

“Just let her get hurt then.” Another voice chimes in somewhere else in the room. It’s an attachment that seems to be here.

I try to ignore them, but it gets harder as more voices chime in. Being in an apartment building makes it to where entities come and go a lot more. It makes it harder to grow more attuned to knowing what to expect.

Maybe one message won’t hurt.

And as if a sign to put my phone down, the low battery warning flashes across the screen, and I realize that maybe it is time to call it quits for the night on it. I head to my room to unbox my new charger to hook it up. I forgot to grab mine before I left, so I had to snag one when we went by the store earlier.

I go ahead and get myself changed into P.J.s while I’m in the room, and Kalston texts while I do.

💬What are you up to tonight, Love? 

I’m spending time with Kay, what are you up to?🗨️

💬Missing you, but I’ll go ahead and tell you goodnight, so that you can enjoy your night. Sweet dreams, I love you, and the bed still stands not to be as comfy without you. I’ll think you’ll have to help me with that problem when you get back.

…

He deserves better than this.

Again, I’m back to hating myself more, and the weight is stronger with the third glass I’ve been sipping on.

Goodnight, Kalston, sweet dreams to you too.🗨️

I try my best to keep it as simple as possible because I know that I can always tell him later if I still believe that maybe… Maybe I should break things off, but if I make that decision now while my judgement is a little emotional, I might regret it later. Thankfully, I’m still in the right mind enough to be aware of that.