I was alone so it was finally my time to freely listen music. I turned on my laptop (not actually mine but father's). I opened Instagram because it was becoming a routine. As I log in, I am asked if I want to save info about my login. I choose don't save and open my chats. Hannah's chat on the third- she sent me a reel or maybe few reels. Nancy on second because she liked a message I sent. And my best friend, Shelly, on top; the last message she sent said- And there are a lot more things!!!

I felt a knot tighten in my stomach.

Wait… don't tell me she too has texted me to say sorry for things just like me?

I knew, I too wanted to hear an apology for how she had been hurting me without realizing or maybe I was just making up all that story of her hurting me, in my mind? Ugh, whatever. Let's just see what she has sent. I opened her chat. My heart sank as soon as I saw a big para- not seeking connection but describing in detail what I did wrong.

This couldn't be…

 I started reading it; it said-

Hello, you know, you have hurt me quite much. Like, one morning, you came to class and asked me if I wanted to join you and Nancy for going out, I said no, and you simply went out to Nancy without asking me twice or staying with me. I was very hurt that day. Also, remember that day I didn't bring tiffin but a packet of biscuit only? You asked me to open the packet of biscuit in middle of 3rd period and I said no and called you voracious to brush it off. During recess, I opened it and asked you say 'ah', you harshly said, "I am voracious, right? I don't want to eat it." I was so badly hurt, I just held back my tears that day.

There were 2 reels after that para, both funny and loving, followed by another message-

Also, I noticed that since you have grown closer to Hannah, you don’t even care if I am there or not. Like, you simply don't give a damn about my existence when you are with her.

Those messages hit me like the harsh reality had hit me 2 weeks ago(no one cares about me and will never be there when I need a shoulder). I didn't know what to do. How should I respond so she doesn't get hurt more. Also, how could I be so stupid to ask her to open that packet of biscuit when that was the only thing she brought to eat?! How can I be so dumb?! On that note, I remember that I could feel it back then, during exams, that Shelly wasn't approaching like she used to, it was Hannah instead. I didn't approach her either because I too was feeling down. I was tired of studying, I didn’t have the energy to go and approach everyone. Things felt very distant, everything felt. Cutter was the only friend who relieved my stress, actually, still does. A tear decided to cross the line of my eyelid and wet my cheek and so did another. I couldn't breathe, I was crying. No one can breathe when they cry, right?

Everything went blur. I quickly wiped my tears and opened ChatGPT (I know I shouldn't use AI for such purposes, I haven't even used it for days, as it uses our freshwater to cool down itself but who can control an emotionally overloaded but blank mind?), copy-pasted the para she sent me and asked it to make a list of my mistakes on the basis of the para she sent. A long list appeared in front of my eyes-

• Not checking in
• Assuming everything was alright
• Not communicating well
• Making her feel left out
• Joking rudely
• Not paying mind to her feelings
• Making her self-doubt
• Making her suppress her feelings instead of safely expressing them (she had to hold back her tears)
• Not being present when she needed you

I quickly started to apologise for all those mistakes. I know using ChatGPT seems insincere but trust me, I don't know how to apologise while making sure the other person doesn't get hurt anymore but instead feels better. I would never want to hurt her, not more. I sent a para, full para, apologising. Then thought of few other mistakes, like not being a good best friend, and said sorry for those mistakes too.

Three dots appeared in a small box under the texts I sent as soon as my messages got a seen mark.

Oh, she is online and is replying. I hope I didn't make her more angry or sad. Is she gonna say it's alright? And that I didn't have to apologise so much? Because I did write a very long message and there were several more following it.

Hmm, it's okay.

As the reply came, my hopes were extinguished again. Well, I knew I was a pick me sort of girl. Who would expect such things in return after hurting someone? I should be guilty and here I am, hoping for her attention. Hoping for her to notice my mental state in the middle of her own breakdown, nice. I should be full of remorse!

I just double tapped her message. Another message came-

Yk, I got a personal tab!

 I replied-

Oh, wow!

 I don’t know why it felt a bit dry. She sent more-

Aoweh

Now what the hell does this mean? I think I should just log out. Huh? Another text?

You don't love me?

Where's that coming from? Like literally? I just sent her so many paras saying sorry just because I don't love her or what? I should tell her I obviously do.

'What? I obv do!'

'Then why didn't you reply to my text?'

Oh! So that was why.

I just typed the answer and ended it with byeeee.

I logged out Instagram. It was enough for a single day. I don't know what to even think anymore.

I shut down the laptop, go to the washroom and wash my face. As I come out, my father returned and asked me, "When are you going to study? You don't study at all these days. When I saw you studying during the exams, I thought you finally got on the track but it seems like I was wrong."

I just nod and escape to my room.

Thank god my room is the nearest to washroom, just like my tears are nears my waterline again.

Tears roll down, wetting my cheeks again.