"If not…, why don't you give up everything, go far away from here and build a new life you would like to live? You are young and capable. You could write!"

Rudolf stared at her motionless, barely breathing. He felt a lump in his throat.

Running away, renouncing it all? Was he allowed? He felt that, somehow, this option had never been meant to be even considered; in fact, it hadn’t crossed his mind once. It seemed to him such a crazy idea that for a moment even Rose looked like a stranger. But her question was pretty reasonable. Yet he was completely panicking just at the thought of departing and leaving everything and everyone behind, and why on earth!?

Never again would he see her and Miklòs, who probably wouldn’t follow him, now that he had settled down with a good wife, whom he loved so tenderly. No longer would he join the usual patrons of the usual tavern, hear their dialect, join artists, writers and musicians at cafés and then stroll through the streets and look up at the spires of the Stephansdom, and bathe in the red hue of the city walls at sunset while reading a book near the Karlskirche. The thought of abandoning this kind of life, but also, on the other side, the chance of staying without even trying to solve the problems he knew were plaguing that city and the Empire, and for which he criticized his father so much… Would he be able to ignore all this, to be so hypocritical, coward and selfish? Most likely not, he would be even more disgusted with himself. Unbearable.

He was so distraught that he hadn't even noticed that his cheeks were streaked with tears. Rose felt deeply sorry for causing him so much discomfort. She somehow had imagined that whole monologue, even if he hadn’t muttered a word. His eyes were enough to read for her.

“Ru…I’m here, with you.”

He finally gave in, let her hold him tight in her arms and began to sob as if he were a child again. If such a luxury had been ever granted him.

"I'm damned scared! I'm afraid of failing, disappointing everyone and screwing up everything! I'm not strong enough, Rose, I'm not ready and maybe I will never be! I can't even make my father listen to me, how could I convince the others, all those idiot aristocrats?! Maybe it would be better if this whole dynasty ended here!!"

And what, then? There had been a long period of peace, so long compared to the past centuries that it was starting to feel too good to be true. He didn't know how much longer his father would have lived, and his brother as well, given his illness. And then what if he fails, once his turn comes? All the projects, the ideas he shared with Miklós... He had been given the same name as the great founding emperors of the dynasty, when little remained of that greatness and he was just a complete wimp! Rudolf my arse!

"Rudolf, stop it, breathe, and look at me. Do you know what your biggest flaw is?"

"Everything..."

Good God, Himml, Oarch und Zwirn! He was driving her mad.

"You think too much about the problems you might face, without even being certain of them, and too little about the rest. You isolate yourself, you are convinced that you are and must stay alone because of the fear of disappointing who believes in you, like me, your lovely idiot friend of yours Miklòs, that  Wachbirne, and even - what is the name of your new chamberlain, ah yes, Graf Bombelles-, who always turns a blind eye to your night dalliances! How could you disappoint us? Do you think we are close to you just because of your name, do you really think so!?"

"N-not at all, but-"

"Ah, thank goodness! Otherwise, you would have disappointed me indeed! That Hungarian would stick with you whatever choice you could make, if it really comes from your honest heart. Believe me, in this city it is now impossible to name one of you two without also thinking about the other. The reason he keeps spurring you is because he really thinks you could be a good ruler and make a difference, if only you had a little more confidence in yourself! And I believe it too. And you have also noticed that, at the end of the day, you hate the thought of giving up everything. You really care about all of this."

"It's difficult…"

"Of course it is! If you said it's easy, you'd be the same as those you criticize so much, wouldn't you?"

Rudolf had always been in a hurry for everything to work perfectly well immediately, for fear of falling behind, or disappointing someone, not being enough, as if he had to earn the right to be loved, or to live even. He was afraid of being left alone with his nightmares, but he did not want to rely on the support of others, as if he was forbidden to. On this aspect he was right: he was not yet ready to become the sovereign that he himself would have considered acceptable. He would crumble in an instant. But he could be able to find his way, Rose firmly believed it - precisely because he was aware of his faults.

After an endless round of sobbing and soaking the tissue she passed him, she heard him whimpering, his nose and lips brushing against her chest.

"If I will ever get married, willingly or unwillingly…and if I will ever be a father, you know... I would like the child to be a daughter."

Hearing a future ruler, or in general a future head of the family, not wanting a male child wasn't exactly something the countess would ever have expected to witness, but it made sense in its own way. After all, Rudolf wasn't just any man.

"She would be less targeted by the pitfalls of the court, I hope, and I would do anything to protect her, raise her and educate her so that she could, one day, be free and independent to do whatever she wants with her life."

"Mmm, this sounds like a nice plan indeed," she smiled at him, softly, combing his hair with her fingers.

"I should also let Herr Grillparzer know that I really enjoyed the tragedy he wrote, even if I missed the end. I hope there will be another opportunity."

"Of course, Rudolf, but let’s think about it tomorrow. Go back to sleep now, you need it."

He opened his eyes and from the sun shining outside the window, he understood it must have been late morning already. He had not woken up feeling so refreshed and rested perhaps since the last time he had slept at her place.

“Griaß di, Rudolf. You are finally awake.”

He turned on the other side but found the bed empty – she was standing at the door, carrying a tray topped with some inviting fresh krapfens. He was so happy to see her that his lips curved like he was a drunken fool.

“Gott, I’m actually starving.”

His rare smile was the best view she could have hoped for that morning.

“I have also been told that Prince Esterházy is waiting downstairs for you. He is worried and wants to apologise. It has been a decent while already to be precise, but I wanted to let you sleep. And…”

She set aside their breakfast for a moment and approached the bed with feline grace, untying her nightgown.

“I think that waiting a bit longer wouldn’t cause him any harm, don’t you think so?”

Rudolf pretended to deeply analyse the situation.

“Yes, I agree. Maybe this way he will think twice before blabbering nonsense next time,” concluded, throwing clothes and blankets on the floor.

He instantly forgot about the dessert to welcome something even softer and sweeter.

Or until the result of his horse fall got uncovered and Rose’s expression turned as livid as his bruise, and he found himself deeply regretting having disregarded those krapfens.